My life is changed, I wanna be with you

I have now been at Spring Arbor for a week, and I have not blogged yet. I think it was almost too much to blog about, too much going on, too much emotion. It's been a week now and I'm getting the swing of things, getting my schedule set, so I have time to write again.

So this first week has been quite eventful. driving up was really good, spending those last hours with my best friend was definitely good for me. hard to say goodbye, but not as crippling as I expected it to be. still strenuous but it didn't kill me. those first few days almost did though. we were kept extremely busy, almost like a camp or CIY experience. Which only made it harder when that ended, and I realized it wasn't camp, it wasn't a trip, I wasn't going home. iv had some rough times this past week, certain nights or moments where I felt like i just couldn't go on here, I needed my family I needed home. Luckily I have someone to talk to during those times, but he wont let me give up, no matter how much I want to. and I know he's right, I know this is good for me, I know I belong here. It's just hard to go through some of this stuff without my usual support group and my usual friends.

This is definitely forcing me to rely on myself a lot. I grew up only relying on myself, but then it was an unhealthy kind of self help, where I did it because I had nothing else, I didn't have the people I needed. I then went through a patch where I ONLY relied on other people, kind of took all of the weight off of my own shoulders as I healed and shaped into a person who could take care of myself. Now that I am that person, I NEED to take care of myself, even if I want to still lean completely on others. It's a good lesson, good practice for me. Luckily God didn't remove those people from my life, He just set them out of my reach. My best friend hasn't changed, and luckily I get to talk to him on a regular basis, and I'm sure that will continue. I have someone to share my joys with, my disappointments with, and just talk through things that are tough. I am also blessed to be meeting some really great people here who are filling some friend spots, which is definitely what I need.

Week one down, so many more to go. So far I've loved it. Chapel is amazing, the community is amazing, the people are amazing. I already feel so much closer to God, like I finally slowed down and stopped focusing on everything else and am focusing on the Lord. This is not only strengthening my relationship with Him but helping me become a better person. I have found myself a lot slower to anger, and when I do get angry, I can calm down pretty much right away. I find myself dealing with pet peeves and irritation a lot better than I did before, and I feel myself building myself up. Which NEVER happens.

So far, this experience has already been a good one for me. I miss my family and my loved ones desperately, and I wish I could see them way more often. I know if I did though, it would lessen this experience, and I wouldn't have as much opportunity for growth. So I am excited to see what God does not only the next few months but the next few days. I am blessed to be here. Blessed and extremely thankful.


Verse that stood out most in my bible reading today:
Jeremiah 1:7 - "Do not say, 'I am only a child.' You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you," declares the Lord.

Looking up

It always impresses me what having faith in God can do. The start of this week was terrible, probably the worst of my summer. I felt in the pits and on the point of depression, not wanting to get up or do anything or really move at all. But I trusted God and that He would teach me something out of this, and He has. For one, my relationship with Tim is a lot stronger. I think I finally learned that it is OKAY to disappoint him sometimes. I have always been so horrified by the thought of that because I was so scared he would walk away and I would lose him. Yet... here we are, a few days later, and I feel like we're even closer than before. You know why? Because not only do I trust him more, but I have way more faith in our relationship. Why do I think we can't make it through a measly fight? I mean more to him than that, and he means more to me than that, so of course we're going to make it through. Silly, childish fears. Thank you Lord for placing someone in my life who can show me the kind of love I can actually BELIEVE in. It's really an awesome feeling, knowing you are worth something, and being reminded of it.

So college is in 4 days. I have officially hit the point where I am CRAZY excited. I was so scared and dreading this so much, and I honestly thought my last few days here would be miserable. But I'm so happy and so ecstatic to go to college, that the bad feelings are being easily ignored. I officially finished packing tomorrow and I didn't feel bad about it, it just made me more excited. I can't wait to go!

College is seriously going to be completely amazing. I know I've been nervous and fearful about going so far away but God put me here for a reason, and if I'm missing everyone at home and scared of what's going to happen without me I'm not going to be listening to God, and I won't hear the purpose for all of this, and I won't learn or grow from it, or be able to use my gifts for God because I'm so focused on using them back at home.

4 days... I probably won't blog until after I am there. Can't wait!