I and Thou

Relationships has always been one of the more difficult parts of my life. Either with having them, getting rid of them, forgetting them, forgiving them, correcting them, whatever it may be, I am always at work in some way with a relationship of some kind. Since I first started coming to StuCo, my mentors at the church were always talking to me about boundaries. I don't know if it was because of the codependant relationship I entered that youth group with, or because that is a struggle all teenagers have, but I was hit with it hard.

I used to be the type of person who was nice to everyone. Nobody had anything against me because I was the nice, quiet girl. I never said no, I never fought, I never argued, I never frowned, I never turned away. I was the nice girl who was willing to do anyone for anything and would not stand up for myself if that was ever taken advantage of.

When Jared came into my life he helped me know that I could be truly loved by someone. And I believe that was the start of the turn. A lot of girls disliked me being Jared's best friend. In the past, that would have been something that would make me run from the situation, get out of it and fix all negative feelings towards me. But when I was with Jared, it was a different story. It was still upsetting to me that anyone would feel opposition to who I was, but I did not run away from it. I still didn't fight it, but I was not willing to give up the relationship I had with Jared for some jealous high school girls to remain my friends. As Jared became the most significant relationship in my life, I slowly stopped caring about all the rest. If someone came up with something they could be angry with me for, I shook it off and walked away. I did not cause trouble, but I would not take it.

When Jared and I broke up I really had no idea where to go with my relational habits. I started as the girl who would take anything, only to shift to an unhealthy level of apathy towards pretty much everyone in my life. Once Jared and I broke up, it was almost like a whole new me was released. Suddenly, if you said the wrong thing, I would be the first to tell you how I felt about it. Suddenly I was opinionated. Suddenly I just would not take your crap. Suddenly it was all about me. Protecting myself. Defending myself. Making sure I was not the lowest of the low, even if that meant putting you down. I wanted so badly to have back what I had with Jared that anyone who became significant in my life were suddenly given all of me, and I would let them trample all over me, only to get hurt again and regain my nasty confidence.

I have been challenged over and over to set boundaries. Not to let people hurt me, but not to let myself hurt them. Not to let people in too far, and not to get myself in too far. And I think something I have been challenged with more recently is to give people a chance.

There are people back at home that drive me out of my mind. People back at home who have absolutely torn my heart out. People back at home who I think are the lowest of the low. But every name on those lists are people I have hardened my heart towards, which is wrong. I don't have to be vulnerable, or open myself up to getting hurt. But I do have to act like Jesus would.
We betrayed and hurt Jesus so many times. Every single time I curse or judge someone or lie or gossip I am hurting Jesus. But Jesus has neverending mercy and compassion for me; no matter how many times I screw up is heart does not harden. So who am I to harden my heart to the person whose ego gets on my nerves? Or the one who seems like the center of my life's drama? Or the one who betrayed my trust, even though the person knew how much I had been hurt in the past? God tells us to forgive and forget, and not just move on, but look at things from a fresh perspective.

I and it relationships are when you are looking to see what you can get out of the relationship. I and thou relationships are real, meaningful relationships, when you are trying to help the other person and become better together. God wants every single one of our relationships to be I - Thou relationships. Looking at it that way, I have a lot of relationships that need some work. Maybe not because it is a relationship I am trying to get something out of, but because it's a relationship I think negatively of.

James 4:11-12
Brothers, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgement on it. There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destory. But you- who are you to judge your neighbor?

Let God Hurry

Every day, before I begin my bible study, I pray that God will help me understand what He is trying to say, and that something will stick out to me. Today in my devotional I started reading Isaiah. Chapter 1 passed, nothing stood out. Chapter 2, chapter 3, chapter 4, and still nothing. Once I had reached chapter 5, I was already frustrated. Why isn’t anything clicking? Why do I feel like God is not speaking to me? I kept reading against my own will, irritated, and then I got to this verse.

Isaiah 5:19 – Woe to those who say, “Let God hurry, let Him hasten His work, so that we may see it. Let it approach, let the plan of the Holy One of Israel come, so we may know it.”

“Woe to those who say let God hurry…” Wow. What a statement. Right before I read this verse I had sinned against God. I was impatient, wishing He would speak to me faster than He was. I cannot tell you how many times I do this in my daily life. God, help me understand why this is happening, not later, but now. God, answer my prayer. God, speak to me. God, comfort me. God, help me feel you here now. God, give them the answers. God, give me the answers. God, fix this. God, do that. I can just imagine God laughing, “Is this a joke?” God asks me to read my bible. God asks me to be in constant prayer with Him. God asks me to love my neighbors, and myself. God asks me to be like Him, and act like Christ. God asks me to speak with a loving tongue, and never against others. God asks me to have a positive attitude. God asks me to tell everyone I meet about Him. But do I do all of these things? No, I don’t. So who am I to rush Him? Who am I to think that God does not have a perfect plan for me, that He is not with me, and has it all ready to go?

“Woe to those who say let God hurry…” My goal is to be more faithful, and have more peace in God’s plan for me. To become more patient, in every aspect of my life. Time for a change.