Something I have always struggled with is the idea of having patience. I have grown up as a very quick moving motivated person, so waiting for anything was out of the question. if i had to wait for someone else to do something for me, i would do it myself. I can't say that has changed. my patience only got worse over time. not only was i impatient with time, but i became impatient with people, circumstances. you could frustrate me in a heartbeat. a situation would make me want to freak within hours of it occurring.
i have always been aware of this problem. i think it was made super clear to me when i got my first and only speeding ticket. i was being impatient, as always, and the costs were $75, a mark on my record, and serious humiliation. as much as those 3 things didn't bother me, the whole idea that i was too impatient and that got me in trouble DID bother me.
over the past months i think what has helped me the most is being consciously AWARE of my emotions. especially when they slide towards the negative side of the teeter totter. ANY negative thoughts; i cant do this. that was frustrating. hurry up. stupid. irritating. blah blah blah. there are tons, really. it started with being aware. "oops, there i go again, always the Debbie downer". it slowly turned into me trying to stop the feelings. pretty unsuccessfully. then the bible came into it. and my accountability partner, who has impatience about as bad as i do, though i think I'm a little farther off.
people always say that God can help you, the Bible can help you! I have never doubted that God is my Savior and can do anything. but I thought this was just 100% up to me. which technically it is. but that doesn't mean God wont lend a helping hand, or give is the sufficient materials to help us reach our goals. iv read verse after verse just in the past 10 days that resounded with my problem with patience. and just in 10 short days, I have felt my patience lengthen by what seems like MILES. just because of some Scripture that I have read over and over and have dedicated myself to memorizing.
i was confronted with yet another frustrating experience today. since the start of the semester i have been sharing a book with someone who, to say the least, has not been grateful or respected me. i started sharing the book just to be nice, it wouldn't hurt me, why not help someone save 70 bucks? but since the first time i loaned it to her, she has given it back to me days after i asked her to return it, with not the littlest bit of gratitude. like i said, that was okay. i let it slide for a couple of months, never bothered me, wouldn't let it get to me. last month it got even worse, where she would start demanding that i give her the book because SHE needed to DO THE ASSIGNMENT. now, if you know me at all, you know i don't do well with disrespect. but i, being the worst of sinners, have no place to judge or criticize, and continued handing the book over with nothing but a smile and a request for when to get it back, knowing it wouldn't come back until at least a few days after i needed it. this week rolls around and its the final weeks of the semester, and we have a huge test the last week i need to seriously study for. sadly, it is 3 chapters out of that darn book. Monday i brought her the book w/o making her ask because i knew she needed to write 3 observations on the chapters. i asked for it back by that evening, over 8 hours later. after she promised to, i left. i stayed up til 2 am that night waiting for my book to come back, and it didn't. next morning i texted her and asked her if she could bring me the book when she woke up, and she responds no, that shes still using it. i think that was honestly the first time i actually felt FRUSTRATED with her. it is my book! i asked for it the night before and she didn't give it, and just ASKED for MY book BACK, and was just told NO. i responded calmly [shocker for me as well] and was only repaid with nasty anger. over and over, i responded calmly and she would have a harsh response. i finally told her it was not fair that i was being treated that way, and agreed i would just take the book when we met in class. she didn't show up to give the book, so after class i texted her asking if she was able to meet me in our dining area. she storms in, slams the book on the table, and walks away
now, the old me would have been furious. the old me would yell at her or say nasty things or just chuck the book at her head. i took deep breaths, counted to about 80, and patiently texted to ask what was up. after being blamed for being stupid and heartless and for "helping her fail again", i was able to just put the phone down.
yes, this was my decision, this was my will. but I never could have done it without those bible verses running through my head, knowing how many times Jesus has patiently sat and waited for me to come around, or just dealt with my fire. many people have had to do that. it was kind of nice to be able to extend the mercy that I've been given to someone else, expecting nothing in return. actually, i really liked it. and from that one little act of patience [my first in probably ever] i am motivated to be patient with as many people as i can. because it felt way better than losing my temper and being a jerk.
cool how God teaches us lessons, isn't it?
