Have you ever felt like you are fighting for a life that you don't have? Fighting to be the exact person you want to be, have all the qualities you want to have... I feel like I am fighting this fight on a daily basis.
Shauna Nieguist has a chapter called "Shalom" in her book Cold Tangerines, and it says what I am thinking extremely well, so I'm just going to write that.
"There is a way of living, a way of harmonizing and hitting a balance point, a converging of a thousand balance points and voices, layering together, twisting together, and there are moments when it all clicks into place just for a split second - God and marriage and forgiveness and something deep inside that feels like peace - and that's the place I'm trying to get to."
Equilibrium. I would love for my life to feel like it has some sort of equilibrium. Frantic roller coaster is not really my thing when it comes to relational problems. I don't like having them. I don't like feeling that I have let someone down, or that I have wronged someone or hurt their feelings. In the same sense, I don't like BEING wronged, or hurt, or let down.
There has to be some sort of balance between being walked on and walking on others. There has to be a balance between fixing things and letting it go on terrible for as long as you please. There has to be a balance.
When do you say no? When do you say enough is enough? When do you say things can't be fixed? When do you let conflict reside? When do you say enough damage has been done? When do you just walk away?
When do you have to decide that uprooting a major part of your life is what NEEDS to happen, and in the long run will be better? Do we HAVE to make those sacrifices? Do we HAVE to make those changes? What's okay to stay the same and what has to change? Where is the line? Where is the balance?
Why are we asked to be the bigger person, and take the higher road? Sometimes I really just don't want to. Sometimes I want to say how hurt I am, how mad I am, how betrayed and targeted I feel. Is THAT ever okay, instead of just taking it?
Where is the line?
