It has been far too long since I took the time to sit and breathe and try and communicate what in the world is going on in this head of mine. It is a little too early for my usual "year in review", but it is still interesting to look back on what has happened these first 10 months of 2014.
I wanted to write and decided to go back and read a bunch of my posts. I only revisited a few years, but it was so interesting for me to read what my heart was going through. Multiple break ups, losing significant friends or mentors in my life. The passion for ministry and Jesus was evident in so many of my posts. Young and naive and on fire for everything that was happening around me.
Those posts are only from a few years ago, yet I feel like I've aged a decade since then.
Heartbreak will change you. I never wanted to become bitter because of the pain I had gone through. Yet I am going through a difficult situation now and I know that the scar tissue from past wounds is making it harder for anyone to get through. I also feel another layer being added on, making it even harder for whoever hopes to reach me in the future.
I used to be a person with a million walls. There were versions of Erin, and depending on the type of person you were in my life or the level of friendship we had, you would see a specific side of me. I was able to heal significantly, and eventually I finally faded into 1 single person. A person with hope, crazy amounts of energy, and insane amounts of passion. I had learned to use the scars to help those around me. I used the painful memories to help steer me from similar situations I would still be confronted with.
Not many know my story. At least not all of the details. Recently I've been slowly letting someone in and digging up a little of the past. It may have just been a quick story to him, but for me it was like picking at old wounds. Some are healed, some are scabbed, some are still pretty fresh. It has been interesting to confront some of the things with my past that maybe I didn't even know were still haunting me. And along with that came the walls again.
Life is a gamble, and I feel like an addict. I get into these relationships with people who may truly love and care about me, but not in the way I need them to. Maybe they haven't gone through enough to be able to relate to my struggles. Maybe they don't have the capacity to care like I need them to, or the heart to truly love someone this broken. But instead of folding and walking away, I keep playing. I pull the lever over and over and over on the same or very similar machine, hoping for a different outcome. Hoping eventually I will hit the lottery. Instead I'm left with an empty cup, having spent more than I ever should have or more than I had to give away, with nothing I was hoping for in return.
So then what is the wise next step? Do you keep visiting the casino? Maybe just for drinks or a few hours of entertainment, because you know the place maybe has the possibility or really does fulfill you at times? Or do you stop going because you constantly get back into the habit of pulling that lever and hoping for the best?
