24

One of my favorite things to do is reminisce. Sometimes it can be a dangerous thing; as we all know, not all memories are warm and fuzzy. I look back at this past year of my life, and I definitely have some painful memories. Recovering from damaged friendships, saying hard and all too permanent goodbyes, struggling through working in a position I felt was sucking the life out of me, and a relationship that I let define my worth way too much. Yet, somehow, I think back and I feel peace. If nothing else, I have learned that life is 100% unknown. So, in honor of turning 24, I’ve decided to share 24 of my thoughts on this life, and lessons that really sunk in for me this past year.

1.      Like I mentioned above, there is no way to know what is going to happen. The future is completely unclear. What I learned? THAT IS OKAY

2.      Some friendships are meant to be part of your life for a long time, some are meant for a short time. Each one still brings significant meaning. No matter the ending, make sure you find that meaning; it makes some of those closed doors a little easier to face.

3.      Some friendships will fade. Maybe not for any horrible, rough, terrible reason. Simply that life is busy, we are adults, and we go separate ways.

4.      Every once and a while, take the risk of letting one of those friendships back in. It will be worth it. Some relationships are truly irreplaceable.

5.      Take time to sit and drink the coffee. [Personally, I feel smelling the roses is a bit overrated.] Sometimes sitting in quiet revelry of our God and His blessings is the best medicine.

6.      Laugh. Laugh daily. Laugh often, laugh hard.

7.      If you feel the need to dance, PLEASE just do it. Stop caring if someone is watching or if you look ridiculous. People will forget. Or they will record it, and if so, please encourage them to share it. Reasoning? Point #6.

8.      Say thank you, always.

9.      Smile at strangers.

10.  Talk to strangers. I have had some great conversations with people I knew for about 30 seconds. Some deep conversations, sure, but some were just hearing about their lives or what they’re feeling in that moment. Maybe you don’t always get a life changing message from what they have to say, but you listening may change theirs.

11.  Dress up sometimes. Just do it.

12.  If you need to rip the band aid, RIP THE BAND AID. You know you need to do it, and closure and healing will come so much faster if you just get it over with.

13.  Forgiveness is not easy.

14.  Forgiveness is worth it.

15.  Hug the people you love. Tight. You never know if you’ll have another chance to do it.

16.  Sometimes the best way to comfort those who are grieving is just to be present, and to listen. There are never magic words that can take that pain away. Just grieve with them.

17.  Sacrifice some sleep to invest in the people in your life. Those late night conversations are some of the best you will ever have.

18.  Invest in good running shoes.

19.  Go running.

20.  Be thoughtful. Try to be aware of the feelings of the people around you.

21.  Apologize when you mess up. Own it, and move forward.

22.  As cliché as this will sound, tell those people that love you how blessed you are to have them. Because you ARE blessed to have them.

23.  TAKE RISKS. Sometimes it bombs, sometimes they are successful. Always worth trying.

24.  And, most importantly of all, STOP LETTING PEOPLE DEFINE YOUR WORTH. You are WORTHY. You are loved, you are adored, you were created to be exactly what you are, in this moment. No person, no situation, no materialistic item, no relationship can change your worth. YOU ARE WORTHY. No ifs, ands, or buts. WORTHY.

I am blessed beyond belief. There are good seasons, great seasons, okay seasons, horrible seasons. And every single season is continuing to develop me and make me into the Jesus loving, emotional, energetic, laughing, passionate, hot headed, driven woman that I am. And I am grateful. For every season. And grateful for yet another year. Life may not be where I would have imagined. In some ways it’s better, in some ways I may be “behind”. And that doesn’t matter. This is my life, this is where I am. And I love ever moment, every breath, every memory.

When I think back, I don’t just feel peace. I feel JOY. I love this life I live.

Giving Up

I'm not one to give up. No. I don't give up easy. It's a strength, sure. My stubbornness and my loyalty, my love, my heart... It's just as much a weakness. 

I don't know how I always fall for the same type of relationship. The give and take. The passion, the excitement. At some point we share a dream, we share a love, and eventually I share my heart. 

I think I've confirmed that I'm attracted to the broken.  Maybe my own scars and baggage feel less obvious and heavy when I'm loved by someone who carries the same. I love those who are struggling and take it on as my own. 

I want to help you! Don't you hear me? I want to support you! Don't you see me? I want to love you! Don't you feel me? And then... My past. My baggage takes over and suddenly I'm slipping. The conflict comes, as it inevitably does. I'm scared I'll lose you. I'm scared I'll say the wrong thing, and that will be it. I'm scared this fight will be the reason you walk. I'm scared this argument will be the final straw. 

Jamie is over and where can I turn? Covered with scars I did nothing to earn. Maybe there's somewhere a lesson to learn. But that wouldn't change the fact, that wouldn't speed the time, once the foundation's cracked, and I'm still hurting. 

What am I doing? Why am I fighting? Why am I apologizing when you hurt me? Why am I saying I'm sorry when you lied and broke my heart? Of course it's a 2 way street. Of course I've made mistakes. I've hurt you. I've made you mad. But I never gave up on you. I never gave up on us, never gave up on who you were. Who you were to me. 

Why do I think you won't stay? Why am I scared this fight will be it? Why does conflict or your lack of responses terrify me? This is why. Somehow I knew. Someday I couldn't help you anymore. Someday I would be old news. You would use me just like everyone else did. Maybe even more so. And I'll have loved you, and I'll let you. And then... And then, the conclusion no one is surprised to read. 

People tell me that you care about me. You love me. You just can't love me enough. Can't love me the way I need you to. Can't be there, can't care for me. You've communicated you can't do these things. The expectations are too high. You could never reach my standards. 

Jamie arrived at the end of the line. Jamie's convinced that the problems are mine. Jamie is probably feeling just fine. And I'm still hurting. 

I can offer to change. I can try and change. Change expectations. Stop caring so much. Be okay that you don't care that much. I can smile. I can laugh. I can sweep my hurts under the rug. 

I don't know what happened. Or I do. Maybe I do. I lost myself and I let you become a big deal. I gave things to you I can never get back. I ignored the obvious signs of destruction, I ignored my heart. I ignored the pain as you hurt me. I drew closer in a desperate attempt not to lose what I had let become a real part of my life. You had become part of my mold. You were comfortable. An ear. A laugh. Arms to curl up in. You became right to me. I watched you slip right out of my fingers and run after something else. Someone else. Yet I continued to extend my hand. I wrapped my arms around you as you wept, as you vented. 

Oh, how I loved you. 

Today is day 4. They say it takes 21 days to break an addiction. My heart hurts as I feel myself care less and less. Distance increases and the time in between our conversations grows longer and longer. I left the ball in your court with no expectation for a return.

Who are you? What happened to you? When did you stop caring about me? When did I just become an object, someone unworthy of love and respect? When did you stop caring about me?

At some point, someday, somehow... You have to give up. 

Jamie is over and Jamie is gone. Jamie's decided it's time to move on. Jamie has new dreams he's building upon. And I'm still hurting. 

2014 - My Year in Review

It's that time again. Time to reflect back on the last 365 days [372, technically, since I am a week late]. It is hard to even know where to start this time. Typically I come into these blogs with something in mind; something in the year that stuck out as a main lesson or just an overall attitude going into the new year. This time, I'm not sure.

As I get older I am noticing the years move faster and faster. The months, the weeks the days. Time flies by. I can't believe I am sitting here, first 7 days of 2015 already passed. It has been over a year and a half since I started my career, over a year and a half since I graduated college. So many big milestones have been passed, and I really have no idea what kind of milestones are in my future.

This year the "Timehop" app was created, which has been a huge win and a huge pain all at the same time. It has become a daily ritual for me; I log in to see where I was last year, 2 years, 3 years, or even 6 years ago. Some days I laugh at funny memories. Some days my heart warms as I remember fond moments and think about how blessed I am. And some days... some days it rips at me all over again.

It is interesting to think about what will be popping up in my Timehop next year. My 2nd promotion in my fulltime career. Finally getting on staff at the church that I've dreamed of working for, and not in the role I ever would have expected. My best friend moving to Chicago permanently. Concerts, weddings, babies being born. There are a lot of things that WON'T show up in my Timehop... things I didn't want to share with the world. The bad moments, the anger, the heart break.

This past year was  the first time in a long time I felt I lost control of my heart a bit. Love is such a funny thing. It is so hard to love people. To let your guard down, to let them know who you really are. To trust they will care about you. I have been deeply wounded by a lot of people that I loved and cared about so, so much. When those people that you love break your trust... it causes some serious damage. Damage that maybe you aren't even aware of.

Starting 2015 I decided I really needed to take care of me. I needed to read my Bible more, I needed to get back into exercise and eating right. I needed to get a good amount of rest, I needed to have time to chill. This past week has been full of all of these things. And while doing this, I realized how damaged I had become. My heart is so fragile right now. I had no idea how crushed I was and how it was impacting my daily life. I have been a very confident, optimistic person for years, and that girl is no where to be seen right now. I find myself chasing after relationships that aren't pouring into me right now. I keep letting myself get hurt, letting myself get upset, get angry.

A concept I have come to struggle with is men "fighting" for us. Ladies, how are we to expect a man to fight for us if we won't even let them? We fall and we fall hard. We text them first, we try to call them, we try to make all the plans and schedule our lives around them. What do they even need to fight for, then? We are quite literally giving them everything they want. What are we trying to ask them to work for?

I have found myself in this horrifying position. I hate being that kind of girl. The pathetic, insecure girl that lets her life revolve around one person. Just the thought is making my stomach turn. Yet here I am. I don't even recognize myself anymore.

I have always found that in my confident times, men are pursuing and interested. In my insecure times, they seem to dwindle. I don't become insecure because of a lack of people caring; I become insecure and it drives people away.

I'm not saying women shouldn't be emotional, or be honest. What I'm saying is that women should have a spine.  Don't let anyone take that from you. They should be putting effort in, they should be fighting for you. I AM WORTH FIGHTING FOR. I know who I am, I know all that I have to offer. And I refuse to grab your leg and drag myself behind you. THAT is NOT who I am.

If you want to be part of my life.... you will put effort into our relationship. Or you won't be part of it.