It's that time again. Time to reflect back on the last 365 days [372, technically, since I am a week late]. It is hard to even know where to start this time. Typically I come into these blogs with something in mind; something in the year that stuck out as a main lesson or just an overall attitude going into the new year. This time, I'm not sure.
As I get older I am noticing the years move faster and faster. The months, the weeks the days. Time flies by. I can't believe I am sitting here, first 7 days of 2015 already passed. It has been over a year and a half since I started my career, over a year and a half since I graduated college. So many big milestones have been passed, and I really have no idea what kind of milestones are in my future.
This year the "Timehop" app was created, which has been a huge win and a huge pain all at the same time. It has become a daily ritual for me; I log in to see where I was last year, 2 years, 3 years, or even 6 years ago. Some days I laugh at funny memories. Some days my heart warms as I remember fond moments and think about how blessed I am. And some days... some days it rips at me all over again.
It is interesting to think about what will be popping up in my Timehop next year. My 2nd promotion in my fulltime career. Finally getting on staff at the church that I've dreamed of working for, and not in the role I ever would have expected. My best friend moving to Chicago permanently. Concerts, weddings, babies being born. There are a lot of things that WON'T show up in my Timehop... things I didn't want to share with the world. The bad moments, the anger, the heart break.
This past year was the first time in a long time I felt I lost control of my heart a bit. Love is such a funny thing. It is so hard to love people. To let your guard down, to let them know who you really are. To trust they will care about you. I have been deeply wounded by a lot of people that I loved and cared about so, so much. When those people that you love break your trust... it causes some serious damage. Damage that maybe you aren't even aware of.
Starting 2015 I decided I really needed to take care of me. I needed to read my Bible more, I needed to get back into exercise and eating right. I needed to get a good amount of rest, I needed to have time to chill. This past week has been full of all of these things. And while doing this, I realized how damaged I had become. My heart is so fragile right now. I had no idea how crushed I was and how it was impacting my daily life. I have been a very confident, optimistic person for years, and that girl is no where to be seen right now. I find myself chasing after relationships that aren't pouring into me right now. I keep letting myself get hurt, letting myself get upset, get angry.
A concept I have come to struggle with is men "fighting" for us. Ladies, how are we to expect a man to fight for us if we won't even let them? We fall and we fall hard. We text them first, we try to call them, we try to make all the plans and schedule our lives around them. What do they even need to fight for, then? We are quite literally giving them everything they want. What are we trying to ask them to work for?
I have found myself in this horrifying position. I hate being that kind of girl. The pathetic, insecure girl that lets her life revolve around one person. Just the thought is making my stomach turn. Yet here I am. I don't even recognize myself anymore.
I have always found that in my confident times, men are pursuing and interested. In my insecure times, they seem to dwindle. I don't become insecure because of a lack of people caring; I become insecure and it drives people away.
I'm not saying women shouldn't be emotional, or be honest. What I'm saying is that women should have a spine. Don't let anyone take that from you. They should be putting effort in, they should be fighting for you. I AM WORTH FIGHTING FOR. I know who I am, I know all that I have to offer. And I refuse to grab your leg and drag myself behind you. THAT is NOT who I am.
If you want to be part of my life.... you will put effort into our relationship. Or you won't be part of it.
