Ever since the divorce, I have felt completely betrayed and back stabbed by my father. Because, frankly, that's exactly what he did and continues to do. I have tried, for 7 YEARS now, to work things out with him, not only because I knew it was right but because I wanted a dad. But it's not like I suddenly lost him, he hasn't been much of a dad my whole life, with him traveling 24/7 with work and doing his own thing. But it was more obvious when my parents divorced and his nasty side came out. Well, I guess when he decided to show his TRUE side.
They split when I was 9 years old, and we moved here to Illinois when I was 10. I always wanted to be "daddy's little girl", and in a way I kind of was. I loved him and wanted to be around him, but he definitely didn't return the favor. When they first split I was thrown off but I don't remember ever being upset. I mean I was upset, yes, to be moving far away from the people I grew up with, to have people stop talking to our family because "divorce was bad". But I wasn't upset he wouldn't be living there. I knew it wouldn't be much of a change.
By the time I was 12 I had gotten old enough to see who my dad really was, and I also figured out why they divorced in the first place. I lost all respect for my dad, and also found it extremely hard to love him.
I still do.
We've tried counseling. Not only between just the two of us but we actually got a professional to try and help. But my loathing for him was and is so strong, nothing could be changed. I tried to forgive him, and I let my guard down, only for him to hurt me [and my family] again.
Lately, it's only gotten worse. Saying I can't go on family vacations [of course he took that one back, considering his parents would get involved]. Skipping out on child support and getting away with it, turning my sister, my baby sister, my best friend, completely against our family, and then completely taking her OUT of it. Jerking my mom around, jerking ME around, etc. I can't stand that guy. I have so much built up anger towards him that I am sizzling 24/7. And it sucks. I mean I hate the man that is my "father". I hate not having a dad. I always prayed and prayed my mom would remarry so I could have a new, REAL dad, but it didn't happen. Sometimes it hurts horribly, to think I don't really have a father. Usually I can ignore it. But then of course my sister moves in with him and she is the king of his world. she's spoiled, treated like such an angel, when all along he treated me like scum. He would hurt me and disrespect, then pull the whole "i love you and always care" card. BS. The day he can prove it I'll believe it.
But i was sitting on my bed today and I was writing out my prayer requests and just crying thinking about how my dad is totally screwing us [as in my family] over. and I looked over and suddenly it hit me like a brick and I just full out SOBBED. My bible was sitting next to me. And I realized even if my "dad" is gonna be a jerk, I'll always have my REAL dad. and that's God. And oh man did I cry. I've always had a relationship with the Lord but I mean He's my father and He wants to be and do for me exactly what I need. If I need a dad that's what He wants to be. If I need a friend, a protector, a THERAPIST, He is always there to be that. Man did that hit me hard. I wish that had truly sunken in years ago, so I hadn't had as much of my heart shattered. But at least I know now.
Just felt like sharing that... it was quite a hit to the gut.
Quite a nice hit to the gut :]
2 John 1:3 - Grace, mercy, and peace will be with you from God the Father and from the Lord Jesus Christ, the Son of the Father, in truth and love.
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