2008

I've been waiting for this day the entire year, but now that it's here it feels like it came really fast. I've learned so much, changed so much, made so many new friends, pretty much live for a totally different reason than I did at the start.

I'm so excited to start this new year. I can start off the year like I ended my summer. My new years resolution is to, step by step, have characteristics as Jesus did while he was here with us on earth.

A few of the lessons learned this year?

1. Boundaries are ESSENTIAL to healthy relationships
2. Sometimes you just have to do what you don't want to, because there aren't any other options. And instead of pouting about it, you need to find a lesson in it
3. There is a reason behind every single thing that happens. Find it
4. Our purpose in life is to spread God's word
5. Sometimes, all you can do is be Jesus to those who don't know him yet
6. There is no reason to fear. If you have a fear, overcome it. It will only hold you back
7. Don't let others make decisions for you. You need to make your own. Not only because you are the only one who really knows yourself, but it is also a good growing experience. You'll be making decisions your ENTIRE LIFE. get used to it now
8. Just because you are going away for college, or moving out of the state doesn't mean you should cut the people you love off now so it's less painful.
   
9. Take advantage of the time you have with the people you love. You never know how much time you have left
10. Just because someone is depressed, hurts themselves, or even takes their lives, it doesn't mean it's your fault. Sometimes, you just can't help people. Never take the blame for someone else's decision

I am so excited for 2009. I can definitely say it will be the greatest year of my life so far :]

Springhill, or no Springhill?

I would go for training June 4th through June 14th, and the first day of camp is June 14th. Last day is August 14th. 12 weeks, could earn almost 1,500 dollars. but gone. all summer. in Michigan, doing what I love. but pretty much leaving for college 3 months early.

so can I do that? leave my friends, my loved ones 3 months before I planned to? make good money I can save for visiting?
or should I stick around, get a job I won't enjoy as much and won't make as much money with, nad live at home longer?


i hate decisions

it's useful to have friends and siblings already in college :]

I just needed to put this list somewhere I could find it later on. so here we go, my trustee blog. gotta love it

• comfy chairs
• body size mirror
• hangers
• shoe organizer
• mattress pad [the things that go under the sheet, make it more comfortable]
• sheets
• pillows
• my big thick blanket
• extra blankets
• posters
• some type of decoration for the room... kayla suggests christmas lights
  
• big stuffed animal [BIG big]
• water bottles [the GOOD ones, re-usable ones]
• travel coffee cups
• books [ideas?]
  
• movies [ideas?]
  
• portable music player
• laptop
• backpack
• bike
• swimsuit
• running shoes
• shampoo/conditioner/shower gel/shower poof, as my sister calls
• bathrobe
• towels
• coffee maker
• mugs
• coffee
• throat coat tea
• vitamins
• that one flu resistant thing
• tissues
• hairbrush
• straightener
• curling iron
• hair dryer
• lotion
• make up
• hair stuff [bungies, bobby pins, hair spray, leave in conditioner]
• slippers
• LOTS of hoodies/sweaters/etc
• lots of WARM, FUZZY socks
• contact case, contact solution
• glasses, case
• laundry detergent
• coins [start a piggy bank]
• pajamas
• sweat pants [lazy clothes]
• tons of pens, pencils, high lighters
• post it notes, little notepads
• camera
• calendar
• bible/journal/devotional
• HEALTHY munchies
  

CHRISTmas

I was reading my friend Deanna's blog, and she had some really thoughtful stuff in it. This is one of my favorite parts;

Christmas is the most miraculous event in the Bible. The possibility of Jesus fufilling 1/3 of the prophecies (most notably the ones of his birth) are the same as taking a quarter and painting it black. Then filling Texas up with quarters to about 3 inches and sticking the black quarter somewhere in the middle. Then blindfolding a person and them choosing the one black quarter. When you think about it that way Christ's birth truly was the most miraculous in history.

Now Christ's birth was not only miraculous, but also humble. Think about it. Donald Trump paid millions for a craddle for his child, but God laid his only son in a manger. God could have woven his son's sheets out of silk, gold, or even clouds. He could have made the craddel out of gold and lined it with precious jewels, but instead he laid his precious head on hay. God gave the most perfect gift to the world and wrapped it in what seemed like day old newspaper or even a plastic bag. His son was a gift not only to man, but to all mankind, including the sub-human level shepards, the ones he blessed with a chorus of angels and the ability to wittness first hand the king of kings


I think that is such a great point. It also shows how much God DOESN'T care about looks and appearances. He loved His son as he was, a glorious miracle blessed to all of man kind. He didn't need to make sure he was the hottest babe with the clearest big blue eyes wrapped in the finest material you could ever find. He didn't care about having the hottest mom carrying His son, or what the kid would come out like. He cared about Mary's heart, and her devotion and loyalty. He cared about who Jesus would become, not what he was wrapped in when he first came to the earth. I think it is such an amazing thing, that we have such an awesome god that only cares about our INSIDES. It doesn't matter if we have the nicest clothes from the fanciest places, or if we do our hair with the newest trend. He just wants us to be ourselves and love Him with all of our hearts.

Fascinating. Our God is an awesome God.

this is family?

It breaks my heart that this is what I have to call family. this is what I'm stuck with, these are the only people I can truly count on being "there" my entire life. they're also the people I wish I could put on the back burner, not have to deal with.

It hurts more than anything that it's my family that's tearing me apart. arent they the ones who are supposed to love you unconditionally? arent they the ones who are supposed to back you up, no matter what?

i love how my family holds baggage. you can make one mistake. it could be huge, it could be small, but i can promise itll be remembered. not only remembered, but used against you. it could be something YEARS ago, when you were a completely different person, yet somehow they will figure out how it applies.

I always said I loved the holidays. Now I'm rethinking that. I mean, it's the one time of year where no matter what you WILL see your family members. where you have to spend ridiculous amounts of time with them.

I wish I could lock myself in a room during the holidays. i hate this crap


I can honestly say I would rather not have this family at all than have what I have now. It's destroying me. It's the one thing that needs to change, the last major thing. and I can't change it, because I can't get RID of it. no matter how much I "just take it" or let myself get walked over, nothing improves. the only thing thats happening is that i am getting hurt over and over again by the people who are supposed to care about me.


so there's my negative. and I'm gonna do what Brandie and Tim and charissa and everyone tell me to do... positives.

I leave in ... 243 days for college.
if I get this camp counselor job, I could leave in... 146 days.
thats only about 5 months for camp, about 8 months for college.
I can do this. I've done this for 17 and a half years, I can do it for another half a year. easy.

I also am extremely blessed with other "family", like the Raads, and all my best friends. you guys are my real family, and i love you so much. i couldnt make it through without you. my family doesnt love me, no. as a matter of fact, they dont even really LIKE me. but God has helped fill that empty hole with amazing people who could step in and fill the gap. so thanks to all of you for doing that.

I can't think of any other positives. I just gotta keep my head up so I can see the near future, or Ill lose all hope.

at the most, 8 months. I AM strong enough to do this. I CAN do this. no matter what they say.
and I CAN be a leader. and a darn good one. none of them will make me believe otherwise.


oh ya, one more positive
seeing this has helped me decide what ill do with MY family, when I get one
first off, I will marry a true believer. i wont let anyone else pressure me into marrying him, itll be my choice, and God's plan. I will not have so many kids that I can't afford to give them what they NEED. I won't say words like stupid or shut up. ever. I will love these kids unconditionally, SHOW them Christ, so they can go out and do the same. I will not be hateful, I will not raise my voice. I will not let these kids turn out nasty bc of anything going on in my life. While they are in my home, in my control, I WILL be Jesus to them. I won't do what my mother did, or what my father did. or even what my older brothers ended up doing. my children WILL NOT have to go through what I did. I would rather never marry or have children than make anybody go through this.

one of my biggest inspirations - Lena

[sunday, december 21st. 1:42 am]
i had a big epiphany. and it started with this quote by mother theresa.

"People are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered.
Love them anyway. If you do good, people may accuse
you of selfish motives. Do good anyway. If you are
successful, you may win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway. The good you do today may be
forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Honesty and
transparency make you vulnerable. Be honest and
transparent anyway. What you spend years building
may be destroyed overnight. Build anyway. People
who really want help may attack you if you help them.
Help them anyway. Give the world the best you have
and you may get hurt. Give the world your best anyway.

Basically, my thoughts are this: why do we spend so much time building walls? people always say that you can't appreciate the sun without experiencing the rain. so why do we run from rain? "because it hurts; it makes things messy." but how beautiful is that? when you go through the hardest times in life, you end up growing the most, improving yourself, learning more about yourself. thats awesome to me. here's another quote:

if having things turn out the way you wanted them to is
a measure of a successful life, then some would say they
are failures. the important thing is not to be bitter over life's
disappointments, learn to let go of the past, and recognize
that everyday wont be sunny. when you find yourself lost in
the darkness of despair, remember its only in the black of
night you can see the stars and those stars will lead you back
home. maybe you wont get everything you wish for, maybe you
will get more than you ever could have imagined. who knows
where life will take you. the road is long and in the end the
journey is the destination.

so, take control. realize where you came from, and know where you're going. make your life your own. embrace life for all God meant it to be. frustrating, upsetting, disappointing, exciting, aspiring, loving. maybe the problems you're trying to run from are supposed to be in your life. maybe you'll learn something amazing by going through them. you'll meet new people, learn new things, how unfortunate would it be for you to miss all that, just because you were scared of a little pain?

from now on, i'm going to love recklessly, live my life without holding back. because from now on, i'm not going to care. God didn't make us all just to be born, breathe, and die. he made us to do beautiful and amazing things. so i'm going to be "strong and courageous" and with his guidance, i'll do beautiful and amazing things. i'm not scared anymore. this is my life, and i'm living it.

yet another observation

an old friend of mine came back to visit today at school. wev had our ups and downs, but it was definitely good seeing him again. in a way, hes kind of been my older brother for like 6 years. so yeah. good to see him.

but anyway. it was WEIRD.
what really got me thinkin about it was when my friend mike was like "oh ya i saw him in the choir room! wat was his grand entrance?" [if you knew the kid who visited, you would know why mike asked that] and i was like "well... he didnt have. he was... chill, just kind of there" [saying it out loud shocked mike and i both into silence]

its weird how time changes people. this kid was the weirdest, most outgoing ridiculous person i knew. i loved him to death, he was amazing. when he came back today, it was like 20 yrs was added on his age [like yeah, he actually matured] and it was jst like WHOA. i could come back and visit next year, or people could visit me, and they could be completely different. or i could be completely different. and it was just... shocking. i didnt really know what to say to that.

its one of those tings you know are going to happen, but dont see it until it directly affects you.

weird

just an observation

I have been extremely negative in my blogs. but thats not my entire life. so i should probably be writing not all bad, so the people i know read this dont start tweaking. although one already has. ha. sorry ben.

so life. lets see.
well, for one, these nasty headaches suck. i cant even imagine what brandie goes through. they make me want to go to sleep and not get up until they are completely gone.

sorry thats not positive.

stuco. gaaah. i love stuco. the message last week was amazing
THATS WHAT ILL TALK ABOUT
[you see, thats why i talk so much. bc if yo talk enough, at some point, inspiration will hit you. no words are useless :D ok thats a lie but... oh well]

so at stuco this week. i was sitting there with megs and totally bawling my head off bc of realizations and some other stuff im not going to talk about on here. and i really felt God telling me to go talk to Melissa. and being the bad person i am, i refused. i had plenty of excuses, of course. other people might need her. she might think im stupid. i dont want to trouble them anymore. i dont want leaders knowing that im this upset [bc they obviously couldnt SEE me, right? ha]. well I kept feeling Him push and push and i refused and refused. and suddenly melissa walked up, put her arms around megs and I, and told us she felt God was really telling her to come pray with us. oh my gosh. i sobbed like no other. it made me feel so LOVED and CARED for. the fact that God was like ok, i know you cant come to me right now, so ill come to you. I could feel His arms wrap around me, and practically hear him whispering I love you in my ear.

amazing moment.
probably one of the best iv ever had


thank you to amazing leaders at CCC and StuCo and even my school and other churches that are available for Gods use. you have no idea the positive impact you are having on some people