the Ups and the Downs

Life being compared to a roller coaster is a frequent comparison. You go through the good parts, you go through the bad. For me, the significance of life being a roller coaster is very true and meaningful to my life.

Just like everyone, my life has its ups and downs. I am blessed beyond belief. I am healthy. I am going to a fantastic college, where I am not only being educated but I am being challenged and I am growing spiritually as well as emotionally. Not only am I attending this college but I don't need to stress about the finances thanks to my generous grandparents, and the blessings THEY have received. I have a warm comfy safe dorm to live. I have food whenever I need it. I have clothing I need, the school supplies I need, safe water to drink and a shower whenever I want one. I have great mentors, great friends, great professors, great people surrounding me. I could go on for a long time listing all of the things God has given me, few things that I have actually EARNED.

And, just like everyone, I have my downs. But I do not exactly consider them "downs" anymore. The reason that the roller coaster metaphor means more to me now is because, while riding a roller coaster, people feel joy. During the ups, during the downs, during the slow parts, whatever, people have a thrill and a joy that they long for, which is why we ride roller coasters in the first place. Life has a thrill and a joy for me that I long for, which is why I do this thing called Life. Up or a down, it doesn't matter, I am filled with joy.

I am filled with joy because I have an amazing savior. A savior that died for me. A savior that loves me more than anyone else could ever do, more than I could ever comprehend. A savior that blesses me even if I don't deserve it. A savior who GIVES me grace and blessings, and does not wait for me to EARN it, because we all know I never could. My savior protects me from evil, protects me from harm. My savior gave His son, His life, for ME. Even if there was not one other person who needed to be saved, Christ STILL would have died on that cross, even if it was for me alone. He has placed in me a joy, a burning passion for Him and for life, that can never be put out.

Instead of putting a cover on this fire, from now on I will be adding sticks to it. I will praise God when I am going through the downs, because I know He is just shaping me into the person He longs for me to be, and is preparing me for future trials and pains. I am blessed. And I am joyful. This, in a way, has become my "mission statement", my goal. No matter how long, or how short, this roller coaster will be, I will remain joyful throughout the entire ride.

one is silver, the other is gold

One thing most people fear going to college is the friends part. Will I meet a lot of new people? Will I like people? Will people like me? Will I make new friends? Will I make best friends? Will I make life long friends? Will I find my husband? Will I find my wife? Will I make enemies? Will people dislike me? yada yada yada. I could go on for a while. I am not immune to these insecurities, especially going to a college out of state where none of my friends go.

I definitely had my moments before school, and even the first week or so here, wondering if I would meet people I would really connect with. I still to this day wonder if I have a group where I really "belong". But when it comes to friends, I have been extremely blessed.

First and foremost, my CORE group. They were the first people I met on campus. That first day, sitting in a circle out on the grass by the WGB, I looked around and wondered who exactly of this group I would really get close to. I can tell you right now there were a few people in that group I never would have expected to be close to. One of those that I figured weren't really the "type" I usually click with is now one of the girls in the group I have bonded with the MOST. My CORE has given me over a dozen awesome students to hang out with, talk with, laugh with, cry with, eat with, etc. But not only did they give me great friends, they helped break me out of my habit of judging people. I didn't consider what I did a type of judgement, but really it is. And man have they proved any stereotypes I had wrong. I love every single person in my CORE, and care about all of them deeply. I am blessed with an incredible group of freshmen, lemme tell ya.

I have a lot of other people I have gotten to be friends with. Random people, from all over. Upperclassmen, freshmen, girlfriends of my friends, kids in my classes, my small group girls, people just hanging out in the Lowell lobby, friends of friends, etc. You name a way to meet people, and I can pretty much promise I have done it here. I have connected with some of the most random people, and it has been such a blessing. I have people I can talk to when I'm down. I have people I can cry with. I have people I can just marvel about God with. I have people I can laugh with. I have people I can debate with. I have people I can play video games with. I have people I can read the bible with. I have people I can pray with. I have people I can watch TV with. I have people I can just talk with. I have people I can watch movies with. I have been blessed with a large range of friends, and friends I can do what I usually do with, and feel totally comfortable. I haven't felt even one day on campus I had to be someone I'm not. Who can say that about their college? Who can say that about the people they're around? Who can say that about every single one of their friends?

I am glad I am here. I am here for a reason. And I am so incredibly grateful for the friends God blessed me with to get me through those hard days I don't want to be anywhere but home.

I will be here still

I have had a lot of moments since I got here where I wished someone at home would be here. My best friend. My girls. My dad. My small group leader. The people I find comfort and/or joy in. This often made me extremely homesick, because I COULDN'T have these people. I had a moment last night where all I wanted was to be home on the sofa, only seconds away from my family. But here I was instead, hours away from my loved ones.

While working on homework, I decided I would listen to the new Kelly Clarkson album since I haven't heard it that much. The song "If No One Will Listen" is the one that really stood out to me. This is the chorus:

If no one will listen, if you decide to speak
If no one is left standing after the bombs explode
If no one wants to look at you for what you really are
I will be here still

Obviously, Kelly Clarkson is not a Christian writer, so this was in no way her writing what God is saying to us, but that's how I took it. Because in reality, he is the only one who can REALLY say this. I will be here still...

This also goes back to something I am working through right now. I have had a lot of people walk out of my life and not love me like they should. I often wonder who will still be in my life in 20 years, 10 years, 2 years, 6 months even. I can't say. But no matter what, God will be here still. He will never leave me. I can be scared of losing loved ones, losing people who mean something to me. But no matter what, God will be here still. I find that extremely comforting, today especially, as I sit here missing loved ones like crazy. I am not alone, God will be here still.

Border Busters

In CORE this week we responded to some "sealed orders" that were from our Cedar Bend trip last weekend. Each letter was reflecting on the story "The Dream Giver" by Bruce Wilkinson. Sealed Order #3 was all about the people you will meet at the border of life now and your dream. Border bullies, border buddies, and border busters were the 3 types of people you would confront at this signifant place of your life.

I have been blessed to be placed with some amazing border busters. 3 of them being Charissa, Brandie, and Tim. These are the 3 people who encouraged me no matter WHAT. If my success was leveled off of how much they believed in me, I would achieve anything I ever reached for. I remember in times of frustration, times of pain, times of joy, these were the people I always wanted to contact first. These are the people who have stretched me the most in my faith, my personal life, pretty much anything I have come in contact with. I would have done a lot less, and been a lot worse of a person if it weren't for these 3 people.

While I was on my canoe trip at Cedar Bend, I was sharing with my canoe buddies, Sarah and Brendan, a small glimpse of what my "home" life was like. Sarah said something along the lines of "I'm sorry you had to go through all of that", and it made me just kind of pause. Am I sorry? Do I regret it? If I had the option, really had the option, would I change it? It was pretty much an immediate no, and I firmly stand on that decision. If it weren't for that, I would never have needed my small group leader like I did. I wouldn't have spent so much time at her house and with her, and we wouldn't be as close as we are now. If it weren't for that, I wouldn't have spent so many days at the Raad's after school watching nasty TV shows and just hanging out and talking with Brandie. I wouldn't have needed Brandie for serious advice, or needed someone who had gone through what I was and could look up to. If it weren't for that, I wouldn't have needed a father figure to really step in my life and change it. I wouldn't have needed Tim to build me up, and drive me to college. If I didn't need them, I wouldn't have them like I do now. And I wouldn't change it for the world. They mean SO much to me. I wouldn't erase the pain if it meant erasing my relationships with them.

I can look back at pretty much every situation I have gone through and apply the same kind of thinking. I wouldn't have gone to this church, I wouldn't have met that person, I wouldn't be going to this university, I wouldn't have done this, wouldn't have done that. I find it extremely cool how God, in my opinion, kind of rewards you when you make it through hard times. Maybe that sounds stupid and simple, but I have been blessed with so many incredible people and situations, and I sure couldn't have earned them just being me. I've read some passages in the bible where David or Paul, I can't remember which one, are begging God just to bring on the storm, bring on the rain. I'm almost to the point where I can say the same thing, because I know after the storm, the rainbow I will receive will be more than worth it.

I haven't blogged in almost a month, so here we go

The past few weeks I keep having the "I feel like blogging" thought, and then as soon as I sit down, nothing comes to mind that I feel is worth writing about. But oh well, I'm writing this time anyway.

This past month has been pretty crazy for me. A lot of ups, a lot of downs, a lot of steady inbetweens. First the positives. I love the college life. Sleeping later, less time spent in classes, running your own life, running your own time. I feel a lot more freedom than I did at home. And you are LIVING with friends, so you're around people you like all the time. The community here is fantastic, you're pretty much never alone. Which can be a negative, but I'll choose to keep it as a positive for the sake of this blog. Because generally speaking, it is.

Negatives... for those who know me these are pretty well known. I miss home. I miss my church. I love change yet hate it at the same time. The family/home situation has become pretty apparent since I got here, and I feel like I've been challenged with a lot more of that. Which is horribly painful, anything but pleasant. Yet at the same time, it gives me a weird sense of hope, knowing I'm working these things out, and maybe, one day, they can be resolved. Crazy thought. But definitely makes me feel more optimistic.

I received a letter last week from my darling Ceri. I cannot get over how much that one page note meant to me. The moment I opened my mailbox and saw the stickers on the envelope, my heart jumped. I was beaming as I practically ran back to my dorm to tear the letter open and read what she wrote. Once I did read it, I cried some pretty unexpected tears. It amazes me how the love of someone you care about can touch your heart and change you. After that letter I realized how much Ceri, and my other girls, have helped change me for the better. For one, I am a much stronger individual. I am also a better leader [I kind of have an idea of what I'm doing now!] I also have gotten rid of a lot of bad habits and improved myself as a person. At first it was because I was now an example to people. It then was because not only was I an example, but I was someone they looked up to. And then it was not only for them, but it was for me, and for God. I just wanted to be the best person I could be. But it was those 7th, 8th, and 9th grade girls who ignited that fire in me.
And I don't know if Ceri reads these or not, but I am just going to put a thank you out there again, because I really couldn't say thank you enough. That letter meant so, so much to me. It touched my heart in a way I never guessed it would. I am so grateful for that symbol of your care and your love. That letter has become something extremely significant to me, just like you have over the past year and a half. I love you!

I feel like I now have a ton of topics to talk about, but I'm saving the next one for tomorrow [or should I say later today].