Moving on

I’ve always been a big fan of reminiscing. I love getting together with people, especially ones I haven’t seen in a while, and just thinking back on our lives and just laughing at ourselves, remembering the smiles, the tears, the dumb conflict. I think it’s healthy to look back after a while and talk over it. Almost like letting it go, verbally making it obvious that we are better off now, any bad things have been forgiven, and the good stuff stored deep in our memories.

Getting together with the group of friends I did last night was interesting. The only people of real significance in that group to me were lisa and jared. Talk about memories. Lisa was my best friend from 6th grade to junior year. 5 years. We learned how to kiss at the same time, first dated at the same time, had the same friends, had the same classes, went to funerals together, went to weddings together. We were the typical inseparable duo. Jared and I met before freshman year. Which is so weird to me. When I think about Jared and I, it feels like it was years and years. But we were only friends for 2 years. We hit it off INSTANTLY, which im sure is part of the confusion. We were instantly best friends; I told him everything, he told me everything, we talked every day, every moment we could. It’s silly for me to recap our entire friendship, nor do I want to. But I made the mistake of making Jared my everything. He was all I focused on, all I cared about, all I wanted to be with.

Obviously I am struggling today to get Jared off of my mind. A lot of the reminiscing we did last night was incredibly painful, dagger after dagger to the heart. He joked about times he freaked out because he thought I was hurt. The times he cried because he didn’t know how to help me, and it’s all he wanted to do. The times we would go on walks that lasted for hours, just so we could hold hands and talk without our parents bugging us. Our late nights, the times we kissed, when we planned our lives out. Last night I laughed and smiled, and brought up memories of my own, but it felt like my insides were collapsing. All this time I had tried to persuade myself I wasn’t special, I wasn’t significant. And that was actually what helped me move on; I was just one of the dozens. And it was like my boat was hitting an iceberg, hearing that he did in fact love me, and did in fact care. It has been 4 years of me trying to persuade myself otherwise. And I did, actually, pretty successfully. To the point where I did in fact move on.
I don’t think last night changed my feelings toward jared. I have no desire to be with him anymore. I know that I love him, and I always will, but not the same way. I’m still not even sure if I even want to be his friend.

It’s funny, really. I keep thinking about him, but there’s one specific feeling that keeps coming back to me.

I remember when Jared and I first broke up, and he was in the hospital. Everywhere I went made me cry. Everything I did made me cry. Everything I listened to made me cry. After a while I just had no hope. Anything I had done for the past 2 years had been with him, anywhere I had gone he had been with me. I felt that no matter what, I wouldn’t be able to move on, wouldn’t be able to forget him, because the entire WORLD for me WAS him. Its funny remember feeling like that, because I feel it like it was recent, yet obviously that isn’t still how I feel. I don’t actually know when that feeling went away; I’m sure it was gradual. And SLOW. But now, I go where we went and I don’t think of him. I do things we did and I don’t think of him. I mean, given, there are times he comes to mind. But he isn’t all this town is to me anymore. That went away. But that feeling of hopelessness is what stayed with me. I remember that pain like it was yesterday. It’s like God is making sure THAT is the feeling I remember, so I don’t make the mistake of thinking it is ever okay to let that happen again. With him or even someone else.

I’m done with letting Jared think that I have to EARN him, or that I don’t deserve him. Because you know what? Jared doesn’t deserve ME. He doesn’t deserve to have me as his girlfriend, or to be loved by me, or even deserve to be my friend. Jared thinks he is the STUFF, and that he can use women and treat them however he pleases. I don’t care how much he used to love me or care about me. He is not the type of person I desire to have in my life, to be around me, or to influence me. He doesn’t deserve to spend time with me, or get to make me smile or hear me laugh, or comfort me when im upset. Jared doesn’t deserve to know what’s going on in my life, or what I want to do when I finish college. You know what Jared deserves? Jared deserves to be crossed out of the picture, pushed out of the box. Jared deserves to be erased from my memory, erased from my heart. Jared deserves to be forgotten. I know that I’ll never be able to get rid of all of it, but I know im finally on the right track. I’m not nervous I’ll run into Jared, or nervous I’ll look bad or won’t make him think about what he’s missing. Because you know what? this was HIS loss. I can find someone to care about me and love me. I HAVE those people in my life. But until Jared changes, he isn’t going to find someone like me again. Someone that will challenge him to change, who will love him and be there for him unconditionally, who isn’t just in it for some physical fun because he’s a got a hot body and a charming personality. When Jared and I see each other in public I’m going to walk proud, because he LOST me, HE doesn’t have another chance, and I’VE moved on.

Take that.