My Year in Review - 2013

It is difficult for me to go back and read all of my blog and journal entries from 2013. My life has not lacked any kind of excitement or major events thus far, and 2013 definitely did not disappoint.


2013 has been a year that I can officially label as "whiplash". I have had emotions on every part of the spectrum; some on the fantastic end and some on the devastating end.


My life has had many meaningful moments and events this year; some good, some bad. Things like getting extremely close to a group at my college, having a roommate move out on rough terms, having my best friend move in, Rachelle and I finally getting to live together for a few months. Earning my Bachelor's degree, switching jobs multiple times, getting my first career job and now taking a big step forward in that career. Having extremely significant people leave my life, as well as having someone very significant come back and then leave for the second time. My grandmother passed away, which rocked me more than I ever could have expected. I made a handful of awesome friends at my new company, my nephew was born, and I started to make decisions for myself in a healthy way for the first time.


2013 has been a lot, and there is so much to talk about. And yes, this is all cliche, seeing that it is the end of the year and a new year is starting, etc. But I have been crazy blessed with an awesome job that I will be starting in just a couple short weeks. I am moving to a new city in a month, and even if it is just 30 minutes away, things are going to change. I am turning 23 years old this year, which still totally blows my mind.


I am excited to shake off 2013 and step into 2014 with my head held high. Life is good, and I am grateful to have even another day to be here.

I Melt - Pt II

Not even a week later and the tables have completely turned.

It is so hard to do the right thing for yourself when it means losing the one thing you really want.

I know I needed to walk away, but that doesn't make it any easier. He didn't appreciate me, he didn't love me. And my deal all along was if the feelings werent mutual I would walk.

So here I am. Without my best friend and the man I love like crazy. And I'm having to move on. Again. For the past year and a half I was doing the same thing, only to NOT finish, him come back, and now I have to start over.

I never wanted to live life without him. And now I'm choosing to, so I can move on, so hopefully someday I can love somebody else.

Life. Life life life.


It goes on.

I Melt

It has been 2 months since Mitchel came back into my life.

2 months since that shocking day he texted me back, 2 months since we talked on the phone for the first time in a year and a half.

I sit here and I can barely wipe the smile from my face. I can feel my heart, huge and exploding, all over again.

Joy. Such incredible joy. Love. Hope. Laughter. But most of all, joy.

It has been a rough 2 months, and I am sure the roller coaster will continue. I have strong days where I believe in us and believe him and believe in where this is going. I have days that aren't so strong. Days where I cry, days where I get angry. Days where I get scared and want to run away. But in the end... joy.

Mitchel is the best thing that has ever happened to my life. He was years ago when he first came into my life, and he is still today. Mitch cares about me. Mitch knows me better than anyone in the entire world. He reads me so well he is practically reading my mind. And best of all... Mitch loves me. And Mitch loves me like no one ever as.

Joy. This is what I want to remember. On the days I am feeling insecure, or the days he hasn't texted me yet. This is what I want to remember. How he makes me feel so important, so cared for. How he reminds me that I am so worthy of love, and of loyalty. How he makes me laugh, how he makes me smile. How just the mention of his name makes me melt.

I don't understand life. Life is all over the place, life is crazy, life is hard to understand. But oh life... life is good.

Gone Gone Gone

When life leaves you high and dry
I'll be at your door tonight if you need help, if you need help
I'll shut down the city lights,
I'll lie, cheat, I'll beg and bribe to make you well, to make you well
When enemies are at your door I'll carry you away from war
If you need help, if you need help
Your hope dangling by a string
I'll share in your suffering to make you well, to make you well

Give me reasons to believe that you would do the same for me

And I would do it for you, for you
Baby I'm not moving on
I'll love you long after you're gone
For you, for you
You will never sleep alone
I'll love you long after you're gone
And long after you're gone gone gone

When you fall like a statue
I'm gon' be there to catch you
Put you on your feet, you on your feet
And if your well is empty
Not a thing will prevent me
Tell me what you need, what do you need

I surrender honestly
You've always done the same for me

So I would do it for you, for you
Baby I'm not moving on
I'll love you long after you're gone
For you, for you
You would never sleep alone
I'll love you long after you're gone
And long after you're gone gone gone

You're my back bone, you're my cornerstone
You're my crutch when my legs stop moving
You're my headstart, you're my rugged heart
You're the pulse that I've always needed
Like a drum baby don't stop beating
Like a drum baby don't stop beating
Like a drum baby don't stop beating
Like a drum my heart never stops beating

For you, for you
Baby I'm not moving on
I'll love you long after you're gone
For you, for you
You would never sleep alone
I'll love you long after you're gone
For you, for you
Baby I'm not moving on
I'll love you long after you're gone
For you, for you
You would never sleep alone
I'll love you long, long after you're gone

Like a drum baby don't stop beating
Like a drum baby don't stop beating
Like a drum baby don't stop beating
Like a drum my heart never stops beating for you
And long after you're gone gone gone
I love you long after you're gone gone goneSend "Gone, Gone, Gone" Ringtone to your cell

Straight Line

All this time we were waiting for each other, all this time I was waiting for you.

Just two months later, and my mind is racing.

Two months ago, I had to remove some pretty significant people from my life. It was painful, it was unexpected, and it wasn't what I wanted. It was a healthy step, though, and it has been a good two months of healing, with significantly less pain and stress in my life.

Two months ago, I had to remove some pretty significant people from my life. And last night, someone really significant came back. Two months ago I was telling God I didn't understand why He took so many away from me, and last night, one returned.

A year and a half ago I finally said goodbye to my best friend. After months of painful abandonment and confusion, I had to close the door to the friendship. I had to stop hoping he would come back. Stop hoping it was all a bad dream, stop hoping he still loved me and still cared about me. I had to stop hoping things would go back to normal.

A year and a half later, and he returns a text message. A year and a half later, and we finally talk.

Shock is the only emotion that can describe what is happening with me right now.

"That would be a dream come true." Dream come true. Interesting phrase. What about the dreams we are too scared to dream? What happens then, when those "dreams" come true?

I have no idea what to think. What to say, what to do. I never imagined this scenario because it was pointless. I never imagined this because I never, EVER thought it would happen.

I figured writing would help, and I sit here with nothing left to say. I can't even sort out the sentences in my mind, let alone get them out of my mouth or onto a piece of paper.

He told me he was back. He promised me he would never again do what he did, he would never leave like that again.

What am I supposed to believe? I have experienced a lot of heartache in my life, but that year getting over him was by far the worst. Do I let that back in? Do I trust him? Do I love him? Do we fix things?

Yet here I sit. About 14 hours since we talked. I sit here, going crazy, wishing he would text me or like something on facebook, or do ANYTHING to reach out and make some kind of connection.

I don't think I have wrapped my mind around him being back. I don't think this has become real yet. I also think my heart is wanting to make up for a year and a half without him in my life.

So what do I do with that?



I'm straight in a straight line, running back to you.

Sometimes

Sometimes, you just don’t understand. Sometimes things happen, and you have no control over them. Situations lead to decisions that have to be made, and sometimes, you don’t understand the outcome.

Sometimes, it feels like God is really far away. Sometimes it feels that no one really gets it, and there’s no way to make the situation better. Sometimes, the situation just sucks, and that’s all there is to it.

Sometimes God places people in your life. Sometimes for years, sometimes for months, sometimes for forever. Sometimes God removes someone when you don’t want Him to. Sometimes God leads you away when you don’t feel ready. 

Sometimes, you get your heart broken. Sometimes, you have to feel some pretty terrible pain. Sometimes you have to walk away when all you want to do is hold on tight. Sometimes, you just don’t understand. 

But always, God is there. God is loving. God is compassionate. God is in control.

Sometimes, you just don’t understand.

But always, God is good.