H

I can't believe I'm sitting here, 2 years after the last post, and finally feeling real closure. Reading over that post from February 2015 made my heart ache, but it's oh SO clear that this door needs to be closed.

I have several friends trying to break themselves from long, painful relationships. I encourage and listened but often found myself getting frustrated with them, not understanding how they couldn't just leave this horrible person.

What a hypocrite.

Just months ago I found myself spending time with him, who treats me horribly, who doesn't value me, who has manipulated me and taken advantage of my weak and emotional moments.

I've realized that some people are just truly selfish. And even if they're "good people", that strong characteristic often wins. And he was just that. Selfish! So selfish. I sit here, finally mourning him and this friendship truly being over. And I have no desire to reach out and have a conversation because I know that boy feels not a thing. Not an ounce of regret or sadness or god forbid remorse. I've never received a real apology, and I let go of that hope about 23 months ago.

It took me this long to realize we are truly not friends anymore, and never will be again. This entire time, it wasn't our romantic relationship I missed but the deep friendship we had established for years before that. I've realized I quickly became nobody to him. As soon as I wasn't something he wanted or could do something for him, I was nobody. And I was treated as such. Why, oh why, did it take me so long to just let him go completely?

I am relieved to be here. Heartbreak takes so long to move past. And sadly I have an inkling that this will still be stirred in my future, but I'm relieved to be closing that door for good.

This will be my closure, my final conversation. My goodbye, my finish. Me no longer allowing you to have any power, or any control. I'm not bringing this heartbreak into my marriage and I'm not letting you ruin even one more day. I'm grateful for the friendship we had and I miss the person I knew. He's clearly gone and I'm done reaching out and pathetically hoping I can bring him back from the dead.