H

I can't believe I'm sitting here, 2 years after the last post, and finally feeling real closure. Reading over that post from February 2015 made my heart ache, but it's oh SO clear that this door needs to be closed.

I have several friends trying to break themselves from long, painful relationships. I encourage and listened but often found myself getting frustrated with them, not understanding how they couldn't just leave this horrible person.

What a hypocrite.

Just months ago I found myself spending time with him, who treats me horribly, who doesn't value me, who has manipulated me and taken advantage of my weak and emotional moments.

I've realized that some people are just truly selfish. And even if they're "good people", that strong characteristic often wins. And he was just that. Selfish! So selfish. I sit here, finally mourning him and this friendship truly being over. And I have no desire to reach out and have a conversation because I know that boy feels not a thing. Not an ounce of regret or sadness or god forbid remorse. I've never received a real apology, and I let go of that hope about 23 months ago.

It took me this long to realize we are truly not friends anymore, and never will be again. This entire time, it wasn't our romantic relationship I missed but the deep friendship we had established for years before that. I've realized I quickly became nobody to him. As soon as I wasn't something he wanted or could do something for him, I was nobody. And I was treated as such. Why, oh why, did it take me so long to just let him go completely?

I am relieved to be here. Heartbreak takes so long to move past. And sadly I have an inkling that this will still be stirred in my future, but I'm relieved to be closing that door for good.

This will be my closure, my final conversation. My goodbye, my finish. Me no longer allowing you to have any power, or any control. I'm not bringing this heartbreak into my marriage and I'm not letting you ruin even one more day. I'm grateful for the friendship we had and I miss the person I knew. He's clearly gone and I'm done reaching out and pathetically hoping I can bring him back from the dead.

24

One of my favorite things to do is reminisce. Sometimes it can be a dangerous thing; as we all know, not all memories are warm and fuzzy. I look back at this past year of my life, and I definitely have some painful memories. Recovering from damaged friendships, saying hard and all too permanent goodbyes, struggling through working in a position I felt was sucking the life out of me, and a relationship that I let define my worth way too much. Yet, somehow, I think back and I feel peace. If nothing else, I have learned that life is 100% unknown. So, in honor of turning 24, I’ve decided to share 24 of my thoughts on this life, and lessons that really sunk in for me this past year.

1.      Like I mentioned above, there is no way to know what is going to happen. The future is completely unclear. What I learned? THAT IS OKAY

2.      Some friendships are meant to be part of your life for a long time, some are meant for a short time. Each one still brings significant meaning. No matter the ending, make sure you find that meaning; it makes some of those closed doors a little easier to face.

3.      Some friendships will fade. Maybe not for any horrible, rough, terrible reason. Simply that life is busy, we are adults, and we go separate ways.

4.      Every once and a while, take the risk of letting one of those friendships back in. It will be worth it. Some relationships are truly irreplaceable.

5.      Take time to sit and drink the coffee. [Personally, I feel smelling the roses is a bit overrated.] Sometimes sitting in quiet revelry of our God and His blessings is the best medicine.

6.      Laugh. Laugh daily. Laugh often, laugh hard.

7.      If you feel the need to dance, PLEASE just do it. Stop caring if someone is watching or if you look ridiculous. People will forget. Or they will record it, and if so, please encourage them to share it. Reasoning? Point #6.

8.      Say thank you, always.

9.      Smile at strangers.

10.  Talk to strangers. I have had some great conversations with people I knew for about 30 seconds. Some deep conversations, sure, but some were just hearing about their lives or what they’re feeling in that moment. Maybe you don’t always get a life changing message from what they have to say, but you listening may change theirs.

11.  Dress up sometimes. Just do it.

12.  If you need to rip the band aid, RIP THE BAND AID. You know you need to do it, and closure and healing will come so much faster if you just get it over with.

13.  Forgiveness is not easy.

14.  Forgiveness is worth it.

15.  Hug the people you love. Tight. You never know if you’ll have another chance to do it.

16.  Sometimes the best way to comfort those who are grieving is just to be present, and to listen. There are never magic words that can take that pain away. Just grieve with them.

17.  Sacrifice some sleep to invest in the people in your life. Those late night conversations are some of the best you will ever have.

18.  Invest in good running shoes.

19.  Go running.

20.  Be thoughtful. Try to be aware of the feelings of the people around you.

21.  Apologize when you mess up. Own it, and move forward.

22.  As cliché as this will sound, tell those people that love you how blessed you are to have them. Because you ARE blessed to have them.

23.  TAKE RISKS. Sometimes it bombs, sometimes they are successful. Always worth trying.

24.  And, most importantly of all, STOP LETTING PEOPLE DEFINE YOUR WORTH. You are WORTHY. You are loved, you are adored, you were created to be exactly what you are, in this moment. No person, no situation, no materialistic item, no relationship can change your worth. YOU ARE WORTHY. No ifs, ands, or buts. WORTHY.

I am blessed beyond belief. There are good seasons, great seasons, okay seasons, horrible seasons. And every single season is continuing to develop me and make me into the Jesus loving, emotional, energetic, laughing, passionate, hot headed, driven woman that I am. And I am grateful. For every season. And grateful for yet another year. Life may not be where I would have imagined. In some ways it’s better, in some ways I may be “behind”. And that doesn’t matter. This is my life, this is where I am. And I love ever moment, every breath, every memory.

When I think back, I don’t just feel peace. I feel JOY. I love this life I live.

Giving Up

I'm not one to give up. No. I don't give up easy. It's a strength, sure. My stubbornness and my loyalty, my love, my heart... It's just as much a weakness. 

I don't know how I always fall for the same type of relationship. The give and take. The passion, the excitement. At some point we share a dream, we share a love, and eventually I share my heart. 

I think I've confirmed that I'm attracted to the broken.  Maybe my own scars and baggage feel less obvious and heavy when I'm loved by someone who carries the same. I love those who are struggling and take it on as my own. 

I want to help you! Don't you hear me? I want to support you! Don't you see me? I want to love you! Don't you feel me? And then... My past. My baggage takes over and suddenly I'm slipping. The conflict comes, as it inevitably does. I'm scared I'll lose you. I'm scared I'll say the wrong thing, and that will be it. I'm scared this fight will be the reason you walk. I'm scared this argument will be the final straw. 

Jamie is over and where can I turn? Covered with scars I did nothing to earn. Maybe there's somewhere a lesson to learn. But that wouldn't change the fact, that wouldn't speed the time, once the foundation's cracked, and I'm still hurting. 

What am I doing? Why am I fighting? Why am I apologizing when you hurt me? Why am I saying I'm sorry when you lied and broke my heart? Of course it's a 2 way street. Of course I've made mistakes. I've hurt you. I've made you mad. But I never gave up on you. I never gave up on us, never gave up on who you were. Who you were to me. 

Why do I think you won't stay? Why am I scared this fight will be it? Why does conflict or your lack of responses terrify me? This is why. Somehow I knew. Someday I couldn't help you anymore. Someday I would be old news. You would use me just like everyone else did. Maybe even more so. And I'll have loved you, and I'll let you. And then... And then, the conclusion no one is surprised to read. 

People tell me that you care about me. You love me. You just can't love me enough. Can't love me the way I need you to. Can't be there, can't care for me. You've communicated you can't do these things. The expectations are too high. You could never reach my standards. 

Jamie arrived at the end of the line. Jamie's convinced that the problems are mine. Jamie is probably feeling just fine. And I'm still hurting. 

I can offer to change. I can try and change. Change expectations. Stop caring so much. Be okay that you don't care that much. I can smile. I can laugh. I can sweep my hurts under the rug. 

I don't know what happened. Or I do. Maybe I do. I lost myself and I let you become a big deal. I gave things to you I can never get back. I ignored the obvious signs of destruction, I ignored my heart. I ignored the pain as you hurt me. I drew closer in a desperate attempt not to lose what I had let become a real part of my life. You had become part of my mold. You were comfortable. An ear. A laugh. Arms to curl up in. You became right to me. I watched you slip right out of my fingers and run after something else. Someone else. Yet I continued to extend my hand. I wrapped my arms around you as you wept, as you vented. 

Oh, how I loved you. 

Today is day 4. They say it takes 21 days to break an addiction. My heart hurts as I feel myself care less and less. Distance increases and the time in between our conversations grows longer and longer. I left the ball in your court with no expectation for a return.

Who are you? What happened to you? When did you stop caring about me? When did I just become an object, someone unworthy of love and respect? When did you stop caring about me?

At some point, someday, somehow... You have to give up. 

Jamie is over and Jamie is gone. Jamie's decided it's time to move on. Jamie has new dreams he's building upon. And I'm still hurting. 

2014 - My Year in Review

It's that time again. Time to reflect back on the last 365 days [372, technically, since I am a week late]. It is hard to even know where to start this time. Typically I come into these blogs with something in mind; something in the year that stuck out as a main lesson or just an overall attitude going into the new year. This time, I'm not sure.

As I get older I am noticing the years move faster and faster. The months, the weeks the days. Time flies by. I can't believe I am sitting here, first 7 days of 2015 already passed. It has been over a year and a half since I started my career, over a year and a half since I graduated college. So many big milestones have been passed, and I really have no idea what kind of milestones are in my future.

This year the "Timehop" app was created, which has been a huge win and a huge pain all at the same time. It has become a daily ritual for me; I log in to see where I was last year, 2 years, 3 years, or even 6 years ago. Some days I laugh at funny memories. Some days my heart warms as I remember fond moments and think about how blessed I am. And some days... some days it rips at me all over again.

It is interesting to think about what will be popping up in my Timehop next year. My 2nd promotion in my fulltime career. Finally getting on staff at the church that I've dreamed of working for, and not in the role I ever would have expected. My best friend moving to Chicago permanently. Concerts, weddings, babies being born. There are a lot of things that WON'T show up in my Timehop... things I didn't want to share with the world. The bad moments, the anger, the heart break.

This past year was  the first time in a long time I felt I lost control of my heart a bit. Love is such a funny thing. It is so hard to love people. To let your guard down, to let them know who you really are. To trust they will care about you. I have been deeply wounded by a lot of people that I loved and cared about so, so much. When those people that you love break your trust... it causes some serious damage. Damage that maybe you aren't even aware of.

Starting 2015 I decided I really needed to take care of me. I needed to read my Bible more, I needed to get back into exercise and eating right. I needed to get a good amount of rest, I needed to have time to chill. This past week has been full of all of these things. And while doing this, I realized how damaged I had become. My heart is so fragile right now. I had no idea how crushed I was and how it was impacting my daily life. I have been a very confident, optimistic person for years, and that girl is no where to be seen right now. I find myself chasing after relationships that aren't pouring into me right now. I keep letting myself get hurt, letting myself get upset, get angry.

A concept I have come to struggle with is men "fighting" for us. Ladies, how are we to expect a man to fight for us if we won't even let them? We fall and we fall hard. We text them first, we try to call them, we try to make all the plans and schedule our lives around them. What do they even need to fight for, then? We are quite literally giving them everything they want. What are we trying to ask them to work for?

I have found myself in this horrifying position. I hate being that kind of girl. The pathetic, insecure girl that lets her life revolve around one person. Just the thought is making my stomach turn. Yet here I am. I don't even recognize myself anymore.

I have always found that in my confident times, men are pursuing and interested. In my insecure times, they seem to dwindle. I don't become insecure because of a lack of people caring; I become insecure and it drives people away.

I'm not saying women shouldn't be emotional, or be honest. What I'm saying is that women should have a spine.  Don't let anyone take that from you. They should be putting effort in, they should be fighting for you. I AM WORTH FIGHTING FOR. I know who I am, I know all that I have to offer. And I refuse to grab your leg and drag myself behind you. THAT is NOT who I am.

If you want to be part of my life.... you will put effort into our relationship. Or you won't be part of it.

Gamble

It has been far too long since I took the time to sit and breathe and try and communicate what in the world is going on in this head of mine. It is a little too early for my usual "year in review", but it is still interesting to look back on what has happened these first 10 months of 2014.

I wanted to write and decided to go back and read a bunch of my posts. I only revisited a few years, but it was so interesting for me to read what my heart was going through. Multiple break ups, losing significant friends or mentors in my life. The passion for ministry and Jesus was evident in so many of my posts. Young and naive and on fire for everything that was happening around me.

Those posts are only from a few years ago, yet I feel like I've aged a decade since then.

Heartbreak will change you. I never wanted to become bitter because of the pain I had gone through. Yet I am going through a difficult situation now and I know that the scar tissue from past wounds is making it harder for anyone to get through. I also feel another layer being added on, making it even harder for whoever hopes to reach me in the future.

I used to be a person with a million walls. There were versions of Erin, and depending on the type of person you were in my life or the level of friendship we had, you would see a specific side of me. I was able to heal significantly, and eventually I finally faded into 1 single person. A person with hope, crazy amounts of energy, and insane amounts of passion. I had learned to use the scars to help those around me. I used the painful memories to help steer me from similar situations I would still be confronted with.

Not many know my story. At least not all of the details. Recently I've been slowly letting someone in and digging up a little of the past. It may have just been a quick story to him, but for me it was like picking at old wounds. Some are healed, some are scabbed, some are still pretty fresh. It has been interesting to confront some of the things with my past that maybe I didn't even know were still haunting me. And along with that came the walls again.

Life is a gamble, and I feel like an addict. I get into these relationships with people who may truly love and care about me, but not in the way I need them to. Maybe they haven't gone through enough to be able to relate to my struggles. Maybe they don't have the capacity to care like I need them to, or the heart to truly love someone this broken. But instead of folding and walking away, I keep playing. I pull the lever over and over and over on the same or very similar machine, hoping for a different outcome. Hoping eventually I will hit the lottery. Instead I'm left with an empty cup, having spent more than I ever should have or more than I had to give away, with nothing I was hoping for in return.

So then what is the wise next step? Do you keep visiting the casino? Maybe just for drinks or a few hours of entertainment, because you know the place maybe has the possibility or really does fulfill you at times? Or do you stop going because you constantly get back into the habit of pulling that lever and hoping for the best?

My Year in Review - 2013

It is difficult for me to go back and read all of my blog and journal entries from 2013. My life has not lacked any kind of excitement or major events thus far, and 2013 definitely did not disappoint.


2013 has been a year that I can officially label as "whiplash". I have had emotions on every part of the spectrum; some on the fantastic end and some on the devastating end.


My life has had many meaningful moments and events this year; some good, some bad. Things like getting extremely close to a group at my college, having a roommate move out on rough terms, having my best friend move in, Rachelle and I finally getting to live together for a few months. Earning my Bachelor's degree, switching jobs multiple times, getting my first career job and now taking a big step forward in that career. Having extremely significant people leave my life, as well as having someone very significant come back and then leave for the second time. My grandmother passed away, which rocked me more than I ever could have expected. I made a handful of awesome friends at my new company, my nephew was born, and I started to make decisions for myself in a healthy way for the first time.


2013 has been a lot, and there is so much to talk about. And yes, this is all cliche, seeing that it is the end of the year and a new year is starting, etc. But I have been crazy blessed with an awesome job that I will be starting in just a couple short weeks. I am moving to a new city in a month, and even if it is just 30 minutes away, things are going to change. I am turning 23 years old this year, which still totally blows my mind.


I am excited to shake off 2013 and step into 2014 with my head held high. Life is good, and I am grateful to have even another day to be here.

I Melt - Pt II

Not even a week later and the tables have completely turned.

It is so hard to do the right thing for yourself when it means losing the one thing you really want.

I know I needed to walk away, but that doesn't make it any easier. He didn't appreciate me, he didn't love me. And my deal all along was if the feelings werent mutual I would walk.

So here I am. Without my best friend and the man I love like crazy. And I'm having to move on. Again. For the past year and a half I was doing the same thing, only to NOT finish, him come back, and now I have to start over.

I never wanted to live life without him. And now I'm choosing to, so I can move on, so hopefully someday I can love somebody else.

Life. Life life life.


It goes on.