exactly what i need

so recently at a conference we were told that we need to schedule a day to do nothing to "recharge" ourselves not only as leaders but as people. so i was thinking about that and bc of cancelled plans im pretty much doing that today anyway, yet im not feeling recharged at all. and the problem is that even though i have nothing i have to be doing, im stressing out about all these other people. some friends, some close relationships, some of my own students; i cant catch a break for one second. i wish it were possible to just stop caring. not permanently, but temporarily, even if it was for a short few hours, just to give myself a break. its exhausting to care about so many people.

this is a boundary issue, yes, and iv been working on it and still am working on it. but at the same time... is that all it is? people are constantly saying you cant give what you dont have. i think im giving way more than iv been receiving. the people i do receive it from do a great job doing that. is it bad to say tahts not always enough? maybe i need more than 2 people to love me, to truly deeply care about me and want whats best for me. how can i care for so many people when i only have 2 caring for me? is that wrong? does it not work like that? i really am not sure. all i do know is i need a break, and i need one bad. and taking this day to do nothing isnt the cure iv been looking for

Time flies

I can't believe 2 weeks have passed just since my last post. Mike is gone, and Matt leaves tomorrow. I leave in less than 3 weeks.

tim keeps telling me i need to slow down and smell the roses. as much as i fought that, i know hes right. so i am. i was stressing stressing stressing about making plans with every single friend before i leave.well im not doing that anymore. i know ill see my closest friends. yes, there are people that aren't my closest friends, but if they want to see me, THEY are going to have to stress about it. i just cant. my migraines are coming back bc im freaking out so much, and im not willing to throw away these last few days.

hopefully no one will take that personally. i just dont have the time or the energy to stress over every last minute. im going to do whats best for me. im going to be selfish for once, and just plan for myself.

and being selfish means leaving everyone and going to michigan. im fighting myself on that one too. i know itll be good for me. everything about it, taht college, the fresh start, the people, etc. but man, i do not want to leave my loved ones behind...

Peace

We are quickly approaching September 7th. People keep saying “Oh that’s so late, that’s so late, that’s really far away,” and “that’s later than all the other schools.” Yes, well, it is not THAT late, when you think about it. No matter how LATE, its approaching must faster than I anticipated. I received a call today, and after having to bail on plans because of church meetings, I was informed my good friend leaves the Monday after this one. That’s less than two weeks. The heart wrenching part is that I am completely slammed the next few weeks, so I will see him once, if I’m even lucky, before he moves onto his campus. The week after that another close friend moves into his college dorm, and the same thing, we are both super busy and chances of seeing him are going to be extremely slim. Luckily I only have a few close friends going away for college, but then of course I have everybody else. Luckily a lot of those people I generally see pretty often, but there are also the select few I rarely see so there needs to be a SET time/date/location with them. I think that stresses me out more than seeing the frequent friends, but most of all are the people I see on a regular basis. It is stressing me out to realize I WON’T be seeing them on a regular basis. And I’m not really sure how to handle that yet.
But at the same time…
I can’t wait for college. The 24/7 community, the people, the worship, just the life I’m going to have in general. It’s going to be amazing.
But I’m so conflicted… this is so bittersweet. I get excited and then I feel bad because I remember everyone I’m leaving behind and I won’t let myself be excited anymore.
Peace. That would be nice. Mmm, I love peace.