I, personally, am not a fan of emotions. They can be good, if you don't let them get the best of you. But I have not obtained that skill yet.
I hate to admit it, but I am a very sensitive person. I think it comes from my insecurities and my past; I've been hurt a lot, and have not completely healed from that, so it is easy to hurt me now.
One thing I am extremely sensitive to is when people don't like me. I hate when people dislike me. I know I know, it's normal, not everyone can get along with everyone. But it just really makes me itch when someone just doesn't like who I am.
Today I was confronted with a similar situation. I was supposed to hang out with my best friend on campus and 2 of our friends tonight. While talking about plans, my best friend hesitantly informs me that the other 2 girls messaged her to ask that it would just be my best friend going over, and not me.
This should be something I should shake off. This shouldn't be something that gets to me. But I am at a loss, sitting here trying to figure out why in the world that would be the case. And of course, the only reason that comes to mind: they must not like me. First off, it is an assumption. I don't know that that's the case. One of them I have been friends with since the start of the year. But when I think about it, I can't find any other reason for what they said. And it is so upsetting for me. I am praying to stop being anxious about it and just let it go, but like I said at the start, handling my emotions is not a skill I have really gotten a grasp on.
You can't do everything right. You can't please everyone.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
As tears fall down
I remember the last time I really cried in front of people. Let it out for a while before shutting myself down.
It was March 26th, at Amber Jean's wake. It was the day before the funeral, a group of us drove out to Joliet to see her. I remember when it first really hit me. We were driving out there, and I took a wrong turn into the funeral home before hers. We were sitting there about to turn around, and something just completely fell apart inside of me and I lost it. I have never cried so hard in my entire life. It makes me tear up to think about it. I had to be moved from behind the steering wheel so we could make it the rest of the way, but it took quite a few minutes to even gain control of myself.
I haven't let myself cry like that since that day. I've cried alright, and I've cried hard. But my heart broke that day in a way it hasn't broken since. Thankfully. And as great as it is I haven't had to feel that again since, I've felt the ache of it every single day.
Sometimes I wish I could just cry. I have instincts, walls, that instantly go up when I start to cry. It's like I physically can not let myself cry. I can start... but I'll always stop, right away.
Sometimes I just want to curl up with someone I trust and cry until it's all out of my system. Cry about Amber Jean's death. Cry about my sister moving out. Cry about everything that happened with my mom. Cry about going away to college. Cry about lost friends. Cry about Jared. Cry about Lisa. Cry about my living situation. Just CRY. A good, healthy, get all the crap out cry.
I wonder if I will ever be able to let myself truly need someone again. I wonder if I will ever trust someone enough to let them in to that point. I wonder if I'll ever let myself cry like that again, even if it is in front of other people.
It was March 26th, at Amber Jean's wake. It was the day before the funeral, a group of us drove out to Joliet to see her. I remember when it first really hit me. We were driving out there, and I took a wrong turn into the funeral home before hers. We were sitting there about to turn around, and something just completely fell apart inside of me and I lost it. I have never cried so hard in my entire life. It makes me tear up to think about it. I had to be moved from behind the steering wheel so we could make it the rest of the way, but it took quite a few minutes to even gain control of myself.
I haven't let myself cry like that since that day. I've cried alright, and I've cried hard. But my heart broke that day in a way it hasn't broken since. Thankfully. And as great as it is I haven't had to feel that again since, I've felt the ache of it every single day.
Sometimes I wish I could just cry. I have instincts, walls, that instantly go up when I start to cry. It's like I physically can not let myself cry. I can start... but I'll always stop, right away.
Sometimes I just want to curl up with someone I trust and cry until it's all out of my system. Cry about Amber Jean's death. Cry about my sister moving out. Cry about everything that happened with my mom. Cry about going away to college. Cry about lost friends. Cry about Jared. Cry about Lisa. Cry about my living situation. Just CRY. A good, healthy, get all the crap out cry.
I wonder if I will ever be able to let myself truly need someone again. I wonder if I will ever trust someone enough to let them in to that point. I wonder if I'll ever let myself cry like that again, even if it is in front of other people.
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