As tears fall down

I remember the last time I really cried in front of people. Let it out for a while before shutting myself down.

It was March 26th, at Amber Jean's wake. It was the day before the funeral, a group of us drove out to Joliet to see her. I remember when it first really hit me. We were driving out there, and I took a wrong turn into the funeral home before hers. We were sitting there about to turn around, and something just completely fell apart inside of me and I lost it. I have never cried so hard in my entire life. It makes me tear up to think about it. I had to be moved from behind the steering wheel so we could make it the rest of the way, but it took quite a few minutes to even gain control of myself.

I haven't let myself cry like that since that day. I've cried alright, and I've cried hard. But my heart broke that day in a way it hasn't broken since. Thankfully. And as great as it is I haven't had to feel that again since, I've felt the ache of it every single day.

Sometimes I wish I could just cry. I have instincts, walls, that instantly go up when I start to cry. It's like I physically can not let myself cry. I can start... but I'll always stop, right away.

Sometimes I just want to curl up with someone I trust and cry until it's all out of my system. Cry about Amber Jean's death. Cry about my sister moving out. Cry about everything that happened with my mom. Cry about going away to college. Cry about lost friends. Cry about Jared. Cry about Lisa. Cry about my living situation. Just CRY. A good, healthy, get all the crap out cry.

I wonder if I will ever be able to let myself truly need someone again. I wonder if I will ever trust someone enough to let them in to that point. I wonder if I'll ever let myself cry like that again, even if it is in front of other people.