Dependence

Those who meet me would most likely say I am an independent woman. I declare that men are ignorant and that I will not be married; I am outspoken; I am confident in who I am, especially who I am as a woman; I like the idea of taking care of myself, I don't like accepting help; I'm diving head first into a team of all men, not worried one bit about the fact that we aren't alike, not worried that I can't measure up. I have not always been the most independent person. I was, until Jared. And then once again after Jared, just to a much stronger extreme.

I have never thought of independence as a bad thing. I could take care of myself, I didn't need anyone, didn't need to lean on anyone.

Wrong.

During teaching team this week, our entire talk and message we were working on was about the idea of depending on God. That was the first time this week God really laid that on my heart, and again tonight at StuCo we talked about not being able to do this alone.

As independent as I feel I am, I still have needs. I need someone to comfort me when I am feeling down. I need someone I can turn to when something goes wrong. I need someone to set me straight sometimes, to be a shoulder to cry on... I need help. And not in the mental state, though that could be argued. I need help in life. I can't do this on my own. But at the same time, it's not the people here on earth I need to be depending on. It's God. God is my peace, God is my salvation, God is my rescue, God is my comfort, God is my security, God is my everything. I must depend on God.

Something that has been a constant fear in my life for almost a year now is where I would live. I am always worrying about it, always wondering what my next step is. But as I look back, I see that God has always provided a place for me. God has always been there, even the nights I didn't think I had a bed to sleep in. God has always been there for me, He has not let me down. I realize that I may not get the results I want. I may not get the answer I am looking for, especially when I am looking for it. I may never get an exact answer. But the fact of the matter is that God has me in His hands, and I am safe, I am protected, and I am loved. God will not let me down, my expectations might be let down, but that's my fault for wanting results. My God never fails. My God will never leave me. My God loves me, so completely and unconditionally that it blows my mind.

I can't do this alone, and I can't do it myself. I need people to help me, and I need my God to take control.