Bust your windows

I was recently faced again with a situation that has not always been the most pleasant for me. on New Years Eve my best friend, Jenna, and I went to visit an old friend of mine, Lisa, who we found out was accompanied by Jared.

Jared is one of those tricky situations I do not talk about. Jenna informed me after our visit she had no idea what the Jared "story" was. His name might come up on conversation, but I avoid the emotions of it as much as possible.

This visit did not help me do that.

I have gained so much from having Jared in my life. First and most importantly, my church. Along with that were many many great relationships that are still extremely valuable to me. I hit rock bottom, which might seem like a bad thing, but it was what finally turned me around and helped get me where I am now. but sometimes I can't help but wonder... what would it be like if it had never happened? some people deny you can truly love as a teenager, but I firmly believe that kid was my everything, and he was. I loved him with everything I was, and sacrificed everything for him, only to have him completely break my heart. what would it be like if I didn't have that scar as a constant reminder? what would it have been like if I never became codependant, never lost friends for him, because of him... ? so many things... sometimes I wonder if I knew the difference, if I would have chosen to avoid the whole situation. was the pain worth the years that I felt complete?

sometimes I honestly wonder if I will ever love someone again like I loved Jared. Anytime I start liking someone I just want to step back, or run completely. I don't want to get married, I don't want to have a real relationship, or one at all, knowing that as much as I deny it, part of me is still attached to Jared, and i dont know if that will ever change. it's like the phrase "damaged goods"; it's definitely what a future boyfriend/husband would be settling for.

healing sucks. moving on is difficult. forgiving is hard. forgetting is next to impossible.