I feel like this question has come up for me many, many times these past few weeks, and really, the past 6 or 7 years of my life; what is love?
I believe there are different kinds of love, different types and amounts of love. I also believe there are different ways to love.
I have been challenged with many relationships lately. Many that are still going completely fine, but have had me thinking about how they are REALLY doing. If I am doing the relationships the right way. A few of the relationships have been struggling or just simply failing, which had made me thinking about them.
I finally decided to give my all, and stop being concerned about losing people and failure, and I would love people with all of my heart. But what does that even entail? As soon as I made that decision, roadblocks were thrown at me from all directions.
I will be broken down and have to climb back up hundreds of times, and I believe I am come to the point where I am okay with that. But sometimes, I can't help but wishing that this wasn't what I was given. Yet I look around, and I see all the blessings I am surrounded and covered with, and I can't be angry or bitter or regret anything that's happened.
I am who I am because of what I've gone through. I am continually being shaped by what I am going through. I like who I am becoming, and I am excited to leave home who I used to be.
The pain that I am feeling can't even compare to the joy that is coming.
Through the pain, I will thank God for shaping me.
If we want to become fit, we have to work out; we will have sore muscles and tired and aching bones when we work, but after much practice and continued work, we will have the body we hope for. I believe it is the same spiritually and emotionally; the conditioning may be painful, and may seem constant and non stop, but the outcome will be better than what we ever could have dreamed of.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Test of Faith
Sometimes I smile at how hard satan tries. Mostly it makes me angry, and I cry a lot because of him, but in the times where it is just so much I have to take a step back and look around... I almost laugh.
Sometimes things feel next to impossible. Sometimes I still have the urge to just give up. The pain is too much, the hurt is too frequent, the wounds seemingly open and sore forever. I sit here with an aching heart, wishing that it would all just go away.
It is interesting to observe my own reactions to what's been happening. In the moment, I feel like I have nothing left. I have moments where I just curl up and cry my heart out because I have no idea what to do. But then, I often kind of "wake up" from that, and look at the bigger picture. I can see that it will work out, I remember that God is working in and through this, and He is on my side. It doesn't make the pain go away; I sit here with a heavy heart, but at least I have hope knowing that God will not let go of me.
Sometimes things feel next to impossible. Sometimes I still have the urge to just give up. The pain is too much, the hurt is too frequent, the wounds seemingly open and sore forever. I sit here with an aching heart, wishing that it would all just go away.
It is interesting to observe my own reactions to what's been happening. In the moment, I feel like I have nothing left. I have moments where I just curl up and cry my heart out because I have no idea what to do. But then, I often kind of "wake up" from that, and look at the bigger picture. I can see that it will work out, I remember that God is working in and through this, and He is on my side. It doesn't make the pain go away; I sit here with a heavy heart, but at least I have hope knowing that God will not let go of me.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Decisions
I feel like I will never truly be able to figure life out. The control freak planning part of me does not like that; I want to be able to know how stuff should work, what I should do, what my future will look like. But the other part of me is okay with this. I almost take comfort in knowing I can't control my future.
I am learning very quickly that decisions are going to get harder and harder, and have more and more of an impact on my life. I never would have guessed all that would happen just for choosing to go to Spring Arbor. Knowing that and have experienced that now, I am anxious and excited to see everything that will happen this coming fall. Already that decision has affected a few things, and I can only imagine what actually going to the school could do for me.
I am quickly becoming so tired of living this life for myself. My wants, my desires. I want this life to be God's, not my own. I only want to do what He wants me to do, what He desires for me. I want to be a changed person. I never want to complain, I never want to whine. I never want to get frustrated or angry. Realistically I know I will. It will take years and years of practice to become the person God desires me to be. It is nice to know that through all of the training and the effort, God will love me regardless.
I am about to enter into a new area of my life. It will be the first summer living with the Raads, 2nd summer moved out of my house. 2nd summer with an "internship" at church, 2nd summer attending New Orleans with StuCo. When I think about it, I start feeling anxious, scared, concerned in general. That's who I am, and it will take a long time to cure myself of that fear as well. But then I remember that my God is holding me, my God loves me, my God is my Protector and my Provider. My God has a plan, and my God will see it through. I just have to trust, and have blind faith, knowing my Lord will be here with me all along.
I would love to be known for my faith. Not that I was an idiot and did whatever, believing God would rescue me. But that I would go where God was leading me, live life without fear simply because I know God will work it out. And I know He will. Things could happen that could tear me down and make me feel helpless and worthless and scared and alone. But no matter what, my God is my Savior, and He will be there ready to help me right back on my feet. Nothing is too much for me, nothing is more than I can bear. I can do everything through Christ who strengthens me.
As scary as this summer looks, I am excited for what God is going to do in my life. I have surrendered myself and I am willing to go where He leads, wherever He takes me. Fear is only going to ruin me, and there is too much good for me to do here to let it control my life.
I am learning very quickly that decisions are going to get harder and harder, and have more and more of an impact on my life. I never would have guessed all that would happen just for choosing to go to Spring Arbor. Knowing that and have experienced that now, I am anxious and excited to see everything that will happen this coming fall. Already that decision has affected a few things, and I can only imagine what actually going to the school could do for me.
I am quickly becoming so tired of living this life for myself. My wants, my desires. I want this life to be God's, not my own. I only want to do what He wants me to do, what He desires for me. I want to be a changed person. I never want to complain, I never want to whine. I never want to get frustrated or angry. Realistically I know I will. It will take years and years of practice to become the person God desires me to be. It is nice to know that through all of the training and the effort, God will love me regardless.
I am about to enter into a new area of my life. It will be the first summer living with the Raads, 2nd summer moved out of my house. 2nd summer with an "internship" at church, 2nd summer attending New Orleans with StuCo. When I think about it, I start feeling anxious, scared, concerned in general. That's who I am, and it will take a long time to cure myself of that fear as well. But then I remember that my God is holding me, my God loves me, my God is my Protector and my Provider. My God has a plan, and my God will see it through. I just have to trust, and have blind faith, knowing my Lord will be here with me all along.
I would love to be known for my faith. Not that I was an idiot and did whatever, believing God would rescue me. But that I would go where God was leading me, live life without fear simply because I know God will work it out. And I know He will. Things could happen that could tear me down and make me feel helpless and worthless and scared and alone. But no matter what, my God is my Savior, and He will be there ready to help me right back on my feet. Nothing is too much for me, nothing is more than I can bear. I can do everything through Christ who strengthens me.
As scary as this summer looks, I am excited for what God is going to do in my life. I have surrendered myself and I am willing to go where He leads, wherever He takes me. Fear is only going to ruin me, and there is too much good for me to do here to let it control my life.
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