Decisions

I feel like I will never truly be able to figure life out. The control freak planning part of me does not like that; I want to be able to know how stuff should work, what I should do, what my future will look like. But the other part of me is okay with this. I almost take comfort in knowing I can't control my future.

I am learning very quickly that decisions are going to get harder and harder, and have more and more of an impact on my life. I never would have guessed all that would happen just for choosing to go to Spring Arbor. Knowing that and have experienced that now, I am anxious and excited to see everything that will happen this coming fall. Already that decision has affected a few things, and I can only imagine what actually going to the school could do for me.

I am quickly becoming so tired of living this life for myself. My wants, my desires. I want this life to be God's, not my own. I only want to do what He wants me to do, what He desires for me. I want to be a changed person. I never want to complain, I never want to whine. I never want to get frustrated or angry. Realistically I know I will. It will take years and years of practice to become the person God desires me to be. It is nice to know that through all of the training and the effort, God will love me regardless.

I am about to enter into a new area of my life. It will be the first summer living with the Raads, 2nd summer moved out of my house. 2nd summer with an "internship" at church, 2nd summer attending New Orleans with StuCo. When I think about it, I start feeling anxious, scared, concerned in general. That's who I am, and it will take a long time to cure myself of that fear as well. But then I remember that my God is holding me, my God loves me, my God is my Protector and my Provider. My God has a plan, and my God will see it through. I just have to trust, and have blind faith, knowing my Lord will be here with me all along.

I would love to be known for my faith. Not that I was an idiot and did whatever, believing God would rescue me. But that I would go where God was leading me, live life without fear simply because I know God will work it out. And I know He will. Things could happen that could tear me down and make me feel helpless and worthless and scared and alone. But no matter what, my God is my Savior, and He will be there ready to help me right back on my feet. Nothing is too much for me, nothing is more than I can bear. I can do everything through Christ who strengthens me.

As scary as this summer looks, I am excited for what God is going to do in my life. I have surrendered myself and I am willing to go where He leads, wherever He takes me. Fear is only going to ruin me, and there is too much good for me to do here to let it control my life.