7 Years

It's interesting to me how quickly things can bring you back to your past. It can take things as simple as a song, a picture, a scent, a place, a person, a certain word or action. I love memories. Some make me smile, some make me excited, some make me happy, some fill me with joy. But some memories are still unbearable. A stroke of my cheek, or tucking my hair behind my ear. The hand on my back, or singing Rent at the top of our lungs. The scent of the perfume I wore then, or the cologne he wore. DDR, rock band, Ne-Yo, gas stations, walks in the dark, swingsets, stars, oven mitts, creepy rooms, snow days, bowling... my list could go on forever. And that's the problem. It's not that the memories themselves are too painful. Maybe the post break up thougths are painful, but not the friendship. I have gotten to the point where I can think of them without it even working me up. But sometimes they are so FREQUENT. I see someone eating plain pasta, and then 5 minutes later I see a red Taurus, and then I smell Axe, and see someone watching Blade. It's when things are repeated, over and over again, that I can't get the memories out of my head.

I can sit here and talk about him with a smile on my face. What an improvement. I can remember all the good times we had together, and can I smile. But part of me still wonders if he thinks of me, or ever regrets how it ended. Part of me is lonely, and wishes I could just hold his hand, even for a few minutes. My heart aches for the friend I had in him, the comfort, the acceptance.

I am always asking myself if I will ever be completely over him. I can be happy, and I don't regret it. But will I ever stop loving him? Hard to believe I will. Maybe I just need someone else to come in and love me even better than he did. If only I were open for that. I don't believe I will ever let a man have that again. Ever. I've always wanted to think the most of him, believe he is the wonderful person I knew for so long.




Maybe to become open to people loving me like he did, I have to stop hoping he will come back.





It is so incredibly hard to give up on someone you loved that much.