Time to Come Back Home

I am slowly beginning to love being challenged. Lately the metaphor of the overflowing cup has applied to my life quite frequently. Sometimes when I am challenged, I can feel like the cup tilts a little bit. But in the end, it is always set back up right. And not only is it set straight, but even more is poured in. I feel like recently, I am just overflowing.

Today was an abnormally painful day. Multiple people who were close to me hurt my feelings. I was challenged on some touch decisions, and I made a decision I knew would let someone down. Disappointing others hurts me more than most other things do. I fear that when I let someone down, the chances of them leaving are raised greatly. In the past, when I disappointed someone, I would slowly start preparing for their exit. More recently, I have realized that by preparing for people to walk out of my life, I gave them more of a reason to leave. Given, this in itself does not change how I handle disapproval. Even today, I still started to guard my heart, fearful of the result of this decision. For once, instead of the person agreeing with my opening the door for their exit, soemone stood up to me.

My life has always been about what I do. Decisions I make, how much I help around the house, what I say, who I choose to be friends with, how far I am willing to go, etc. For once in my life, I have relationships that are based off of who I AM. This itself brings me to tears.

I feel loved by my Savior; I always do. Overwhelmed with love from my Savior. But it is rare that I feel love from others. Not always because it is not given; a lot of the time it is because I do not receive it. Fear has been ruler of my life for far too long. Fear that if I accept love, it will only hurt more when I lose it. Fear that I will lose all the love I have. Fear that I will lose everyone and everything that matters to me.

I am so tired of being afraid. I know that even after I write this, I will still be fearful of losing those I love. But I think I am finally willing to let it go. Fear is my comfort zone, as odd as that sounds. Pain is where I am comfortable, hurt is where I am comfortable, betrayal and loss is where I am comfortable. I'm tired of waiting to be hurt. I'm ready to accept and feel love.

For once, I can say this and actually believe it, and mean it: I DESERVE to be loved.

And now I'm finally ready to be.