Dad?

I have decided that there is no better time than now to get back into blogging. I am struggling to ever verbalize my feelings, so I'm going to start writing them out again. Usually does wonders.

I am not sure why everything this summer has made me think so much about the fact that I am a daughter. I think it has mostly made me think of how much I want a DADDY.

Sometime in the last year, I was talking to someone about my junior high choir director and how much he meant to me, and the person I was talking to made a comment about how I've had a lot of father figures in my life. At first, I felt guilty. I was embaressed and ashamed by this comment, and felt that multiple father figures shouldn't have been the case. I later realized that this situation was in no way a fault of mine.

It is hard to know what we should and should not expect out of people. My real father? I can't say I expect much. If he expects me to act like a daughter, I expect him to act like a father. Check up on me, care if I'm alive, maybe even help with some expenses. I have suffered through many weekends and mid-week visits, and never were those for my benefit. I believed in return I deserved to at least be loved, and when I didn't feel that, I gave nothing.

The father figure I have now suggested I read a book that I am assuming he felt would help me respect him more, and know HOW to respect him. But it is doing more than just that.

Unconditional love is something I desire from those that I love. But do I give it? On the opposite hand of that is unconditional respect. The phrase makes me sigh out of frustration, just imagining all the effort that would have to go into that. But when I think about it, it is absolutely something I need to work on. The people that I love, shouldn't I always respect them? I may not always love something someone does or says, but do I still love the person? Absolutely. In the same way, I may not always respect something someone does or says, but do I still respect the person? I absolutely should.

I am struggling with loving people unconditionally. Loving people who get on my nerves, or that I disagree with, or really just don't like. Jesus loves them past their flaws. Jesus loves ME past my flaws. Why should I not do the same? And with loving people unconditionally, I should be respecting them unconditionally. Every person deserves love. And along with that, every person deserves respect.

Of course my writing rambles seem to have gone off topic, but they are closely linked. I have always wanted my dad to love me for me. But the fact is, I really never respected him. I want the one I call dad NOW to love me, but I have gone down the path of treating him in disrespectful ways as well. Pattern? Maybe.

I have had lots of father figures. My older brothers, my junior high choir teacher, my high school volleyball coach, my high school choir director... I could even name a few more. All that I have listed are no longer father figures to me. Either I no longer am in contact with them, they had children of their own, they dropped the ball, etc. There are tons of excuses they could give. I have had lots of people walk out on me. So here I am with someone who loves me like his own daugther, and has yet to walk out on me, even after big mistakes. So what am I doing disrespecting him, or really doing anything that may jeapordize the opportunity I have to be mentored by him? If I so badly want to be loved, I need to make sure I am not only loving but respecting in return.

I am a blessed young lady. I hope I never forget that, not even for a moment.

Round 2

Round 2. The second time. Repeat. It's hard to know what to do. You would think since I have been in this place before I would be more knowledgable, but that's not the case.

This past winter was the 3 year mark of when I was baptized and gave my life to Christ. This past spring was the 3 year marker to when absolutely everything was ripped from my life. This summer is 3 years since I decided ministry would be what I would live for. This past month is when I felt that spring 3 years ago happening all over again. But this time, it hurt even worse.

Back then, I think I knew. I knew I wasn't living for the right reasons. I knew that all of my focus being on Jared would end up hurting me. Back then, I think I knew. But now?

I have never been so shocked in my life. I have never been so caught off guard, so thrown off, so surprised. I don't know which is worse, knowing it was coming or having absolutely no idea. But I do know that when what happens is mostly your fault, the pain is much worse.

I have way too many things to process right now. Between New Orleans and Haiti, I was already overwhelmed. And now all of this. Who am I, really? Who am I as a leader? Where is my heart? What are my intentions? What is God going to do with my life? What should I be doing? Who should I be? What should I be striving for? Is this yet another mistake that is going to make me who I am, and change how people see me? Could all of this have been avoided? When will it stop hurting? Will I ever feel better about it? Is it possible for tear ducts to be overused? HOW DO I FIX THIS?

I am the classic people pleaser. I do nice things to make people happy. I try to go above and beyond to get approval. I try to make everybody like me. And when they don't... it hurts. I act like I don't care what people think about me when it is exactly the opposite. And I shouldn't care about what other people think. Or should I?

I feel like everything I've known has been stripped from me. I feel like I have no idea what's going on or what's right. I feel out of control, like I can't do anything about it. I feel broken, all over again. I have realized that dreams I had will go unachieved, and goals will not be reached. I am just unbelievably sad. I am sad things had to happen like this. I am sad it wasn't stopped. I was sad I didn't realize it. And I am sad because I don't know where to go from here, and part of me just wants to stop TRYING to go.

I've been working so hard to become the person God wanted me to be, and to be better, and to show Christ to people. And I screwed up. I was trying SO. HARD. Unbelievable amounts of effort just to have everything blow up in my face? And I didn't even get better. Obviously everything was just as bad. So is it worth it? Am I just supposed to keep trying knowing that last time I didn't improve at all?

I have no idea where to go from here. I wish I had an answer. I wish I didn't feel so utterly alone, and I wish I had a clue.