Round 2

Round 2. The second time. Repeat. It's hard to know what to do. You would think since I have been in this place before I would be more knowledgable, but that's not the case.

This past winter was the 3 year mark of when I was baptized and gave my life to Christ. This past spring was the 3 year marker to when absolutely everything was ripped from my life. This summer is 3 years since I decided ministry would be what I would live for. This past month is when I felt that spring 3 years ago happening all over again. But this time, it hurt even worse.

Back then, I think I knew. I knew I wasn't living for the right reasons. I knew that all of my focus being on Jared would end up hurting me. Back then, I think I knew. But now?

I have never been so shocked in my life. I have never been so caught off guard, so thrown off, so surprised. I don't know which is worse, knowing it was coming or having absolutely no idea. But I do know that when what happens is mostly your fault, the pain is much worse.

I have way too many things to process right now. Between New Orleans and Haiti, I was already overwhelmed. And now all of this. Who am I, really? Who am I as a leader? Where is my heart? What are my intentions? What is God going to do with my life? What should I be doing? Who should I be? What should I be striving for? Is this yet another mistake that is going to make me who I am, and change how people see me? Could all of this have been avoided? When will it stop hurting? Will I ever feel better about it? Is it possible for tear ducts to be overused? HOW DO I FIX THIS?

I am the classic people pleaser. I do nice things to make people happy. I try to go above and beyond to get approval. I try to make everybody like me. And when they don't... it hurts. I act like I don't care what people think about me when it is exactly the opposite. And I shouldn't care about what other people think. Or should I?

I feel like everything I've known has been stripped from me. I feel like I have no idea what's going on or what's right. I feel out of control, like I can't do anything about it. I feel broken, all over again. I have realized that dreams I had will go unachieved, and goals will not be reached. I am just unbelievably sad. I am sad things had to happen like this. I am sad it wasn't stopped. I was sad I didn't realize it. And I am sad because I don't know where to go from here, and part of me just wants to stop TRYING to go.

I've been working so hard to become the person God wanted me to be, and to be better, and to show Christ to people. And I screwed up. I was trying SO. HARD. Unbelievable amounts of effort just to have everything blow up in my face? And I didn't even get better. Obviously everything was just as bad. So is it worth it? Am I just supposed to keep trying knowing that last time I didn't improve at all?

I have no idea where to go from here. I wish I had an answer. I wish I didn't feel so utterly alone, and I wish I had a clue.