Dad?

I have decided that there is no better time than now to get back into blogging. I am struggling to ever verbalize my feelings, so I'm going to start writing them out again. Usually does wonders.

I am not sure why everything this summer has made me think so much about the fact that I am a daughter. I think it has mostly made me think of how much I want a DADDY.

Sometime in the last year, I was talking to someone about my junior high choir director and how much he meant to me, and the person I was talking to made a comment about how I've had a lot of father figures in my life. At first, I felt guilty. I was embaressed and ashamed by this comment, and felt that multiple father figures shouldn't have been the case. I later realized that this situation was in no way a fault of mine.

It is hard to know what we should and should not expect out of people. My real father? I can't say I expect much. If he expects me to act like a daughter, I expect him to act like a father. Check up on me, care if I'm alive, maybe even help with some expenses. I have suffered through many weekends and mid-week visits, and never were those for my benefit. I believed in return I deserved to at least be loved, and when I didn't feel that, I gave nothing.

The father figure I have now suggested I read a book that I am assuming he felt would help me respect him more, and know HOW to respect him. But it is doing more than just that.

Unconditional love is something I desire from those that I love. But do I give it? On the opposite hand of that is unconditional respect. The phrase makes me sigh out of frustration, just imagining all the effort that would have to go into that. But when I think about it, it is absolutely something I need to work on. The people that I love, shouldn't I always respect them? I may not always love something someone does or says, but do I still love the person? Absolutely. In the same way, I may not always respect something someone does or says, but do I still respect the person? I absolutely should.

I am struggling with loving people unconditionally. Loving people who get on my nerves, or that I disagree with, or really just don't like. Jesus loves them past their flaws. Jesus loves ME past my flaws. Why should I not do the same? And with loving people unconditionally, I should be respecting them unconditionally. Every person deserves love. And along with that, every person deserves respect.

Of course my writing rambles seem to have gone off topic, but they are closely linked. I have always wanted my dad to love me for me. But the fact is, I really never respected him. I want the one I call dad NOW to love me, but I have gone down the path of treating him in disrespectful ways as well. Pattern? Maybe.

I have had lots of father figures. My older brothers, my junior high choir teacher, my high school volleyball coach, my high school choir director... I could even name a few more. All that I have listed are no longer father figures to me. Either I no longer am in contact with them, they had children of their own, they dropped the ball, etc. There are tons of excuses they could give. I have had lots of people walk out on me. So here I am with someone who loves me like his own daugther, and has yet to walk out on me, even after big mistakes. So what am I doing disrespecting him, or really doing anything that may jeapordize the opportunity I have to be mentored by him? If I so badly want to be loved, I need to make sure I am not only loving but respecting in return.

I am a blessed young lady. I hope I never forget that, not even for a moment.