How crazy to be back here at Spring Arbor. Definitely not what I saw coming. It is weird being away from home when I wasn't expecting to be. But I'm not even sure if I'm sad or not. I have days where I get really homesick, but it never lasts very long. I wish I could talk to people from home more, but I'm slowly getting used to having to miss it. I love being with my friends again here. But at the same time, that doesnt feel right either. I don't feel like I belong here, not 100%. Same at home. Last year I didn't feel like I was right at school or at home. This year I feel ... 75% right at both places. But not completely.
I am so sick of feeling like I am the one chasing everybody else. My friends here, my friends at home, family, etc. For once, I would LOVE to be the one being chased. I want my friends to reach out to ME to make plans. I would love people at home to text ME first.
People say how much they love me and how they love being my friend and having me in their life... yet... nobody will reach out first. It's like I made it this ridiculous expectation that I would do the majority or at least start the work in my relationships. and now it's been months or years and now they all think I'll be the one to do the work, and they don't do it first.
I guess I'm just getting frustrated and I am not feeling very worthwhile or important. Not a fun feeling.
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