Funny how life works. Get closer to God, lose people that I love. [Not because of getting closer to God.] I am lucky that my relationship with my heavenly Father was strengthened before the loss because I'm not sure how I would have held up. This is hard enough.
I'm trying to see everything as a lesson or a way that God is helping me grow. I feel like it is helping me get through things in a healthier way than I would have otherwise. But sometimes I just sit and cry and wonder why in the world it has to happen like it is.
sometimes, I think that the hard times are over. since I'm going to school to be a ministry major and use all my PAST hurts to help those who are struggling, I just figure it must go up from here. now is the time for HEALING and growth, and being able to move past all of it. sadly, i get a rude awakening on a horribly regular basis. life is not going to get easier. I pray and hope I will get better at handling the things thrown at me, but even if I do, things won't STOP getting thrown at me. I will always have burdens, always have walls to climb over, obstacles set in my path. but I am not doing this alone. I am blessed with a Savior who walks through my daily life with me, holding my hand and whispering in my ear that He loves me. I may not be able to do this, but with Him on my side, I can absolutely do anything.
relationships just aren't easy. it takes a constant renewal of my strength to wake up every day and interact with people again. I've been so hurt, so betrayed. sometimes I really have to wonder if this is worth it. every single person i have known has hurt me. people i trusted so incredibly much. people i opened up my heart to, people i let in to my deepest inner self. I'm so tired of trusting that people are going to be different just to get my heart ripped out.
I can't wait to be done with this earth. with its pains, its difficulties. I cant wait for the days I can just be with my Lord, and just feel His constant love in every way. I am so grateful to have my heavenly Father. what would I do without Him, honestly?
now You are sitting on Your heavenly thrown, soon You will be coming home... You're beautiful <3
1 comment:
I am not sure what all this post is referring too, and I hope it doesn't come as too big a shock that I am commenting on a blog post - however I find it ironic that I read this and on the same day read Luke 9:23-27. Yes, the good ole Message translation and as I have found to be the case the different langauge has caused me to look at passages in a different way. Here is specifically the phrase that has captured my attention. "Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self." I must confess I don't know what that means exactly. I know that I desire to be free of of the struggle and pain, similar to what you expressed. However as I read this passage I am confronted with the possibility that I may miss out on something extremely crucial if that were to happen. My true self. I am not sure I know what my true self is. I find that so often I feel like who I am is dictated by those I am around. There is a different me for every situation. Who is my true self? God apparently knows and desires to reveal it to me. And apparently He desires to use the process of self-sacrifice to reveal it to me. But yet I desire to be free from sacrifice. I desire to have an easier path. Who is my true self? Who is your true self? I don't know, but generally when I begin to hear similar things in multiple places it is God desperately trying to get my attention. Anyway, just thought I would share that. And remind you that yes, I do read your blog.
Love you!
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