The Lord gives strength to His people; the Lord blesses His people with peace (Psalm 29:11)
Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it (Psalm 24:14)
Consider the blameless, observe the upright; there is a future for the man of peace (Psalm 37:37)
I will listen to what God the Lord will say; He promises peace to His people, His saints - but let them not return to folly (Psalm 85:8)
Great peace have they who love your law, and nothing can make them stumble (Psalm 119:165)
You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord, is the Rock eternal (Isaiah 26:3-4)
"Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the Lord, who has compassion on you (Isaiah 54:10)
You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you (Isaiah 55:12)
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light (Matthew 11:28-30)
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid (John 14:27)
I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world (John 16:33)
For God is not a God of disorder, but of peace (1 Corinthians 14:33)
Now may the Lord of peace Himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you (2 Thessalonians 3:16)
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:6-7)
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit (Romans 15:13)
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Family
Making wise decisions is probably one of my least favorite things to do. Not because they are good, or right, or because I will probably benefit from them. I hate making wise decisions because they are usually very HARD to make. Wise decisions rarely mean happy decisions. They are decisions I HAVE to make BECAUSE they are the wise thing to do.
I really hate crying. And I don't usually cry in front of other people. AT ALL. I went through a patch the last month or so that I was getting emotional in front of people way more often than I wanted to. My best friend had moved back to Michigan, relationships were still in a sour state, the stress of school was setting in, and the next thing I knew I was getting teary-eyed in front of people.
As much as crying in front of people says that I am struggling, that is not what tells me it is time for change. When I start crying after leaving situations time and time again, and when thinking about a certain thing makes me sob every time it comes to mind, that is when I know there is a real problem. I really am not much of a crier. I find it embarrassing and weak, and I don't like to do it.
I don't always understand how I can be so completely and utterly weak yet strong and brave all at the same time. I have gone through a lot and as much as it has gone away, it still exists. There is a lot of pain, a lot of wishing, a lot of heart break. Yet through the destruction and the fear somehow I am okay. I always have something to turn to, someone to care about me. I am not alone, and I never will be. I know my purpose, I know my mission, I know my desires, I know who I am. I will lose people, relationships will change, people will walk away and I won't be good enough for others. But I can still walk forward, head up, moving forward in life, believing in myself and what I am doing.
I am beginning to wonder if I will ever settle down. If I will ever stop moving, ever stop changing, ever stop running. I have quick feet, I make quick decisions, and I want to do it all. I wonder if I will ever have a place that is home not just physically but home to my heart. I wonder if I will ever have a family I can be close to and call my own, people that love me so crazy much that they would do anything for me. That's really all I want in life. Just a family.
I really hate crying. And I don't usually cry in front of other people. AT ALL. I went through a patch the last month or so that I was getting emotional in front of people way more often than I wanted to. My best friend had moved back to Michigan, relationships were still in a sour state, the stress of school was setting in, and the next thing I knew I was getting teary-eyed in front of people.
As much as crying in front of people says that I am struggling, that is not what tells me it is time for change. When I start crying after leaving situations time and time again, and when thinking about a certain thing makes me sob every time it comes to mind, that is when I know there is a real problem. I really am not much of a crier. I find it embarrassing and weak, and I don't like to do it.
I don't always understand how I can be so completely and utterly weak yet strong and brave all at the same time. I have gone through a lot and as much as it has gone away, it still exists. There is a lot of pain, a lot of wishing, a lot of heart break. Yet through the destruction and the fear somehow I am okay. I always have something to turn to, someone to care about me. I am not alone, and I never will be. I know my purpose, I know my mission, I know my desires, I know who I am. I will lose people, relationships will change, people will walk away and I won't be good enough for others. But I can still walk forward, head up, moving forward in life, believing in myself and what I am doing.
I am beginning to wonder if I will ever settle down. If I will ever stop moving, ever stop changing, ever stop running. I have quick feet, I make quick decisions, and I want to do it all. I wonder if I will ever have a place that is home not just physically but home to my heart. I wonder if I will ever have a family I can be close to and call my own, people that love me so crazy much that they would do anything for me. That's really all I want in life. Just a family.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Conditional
I have a feeling that the more I read Cold Tangerines, the more I will be blogging.
I was able to hear Shauna Nieguist speak on Friday at our Chicks and Chocolate event. I was so intrigued by everything she had to say. I felt like this was a cool older sister talking - finally a speaker that spoke my same language. It was pretty dead on, too. Topic after topic pulled my heart strings, and she was so casual and herself that I couldn't help feeling comfortable, too. She is an incredible speaker and refreshingly genuine and sincere. I'm pretty sure all of us walked out thinking she was our new best friend.
I'm only on page 50 of the book and there is quote after quote I have been jotting down. I keep trying to read but I can't get too far before something hits me so hard I have to stop and text someone it made me think of, or even come to this and really spill out what I'm thinking.
"Friendship is about risk. Love is about risk. If we can control and manage it and manufacture it, its something else, but if its really love, really friendship, it's a little scary around the edges."
How many of my friendships are so full and sincere that I would fight for them? That I would give anything to make sure those people stay close in my life? How many friendships are there that I would be okay with leaving, or that are slipping away now and I'm not doing anything about? How many friendships are there that are gone, or have become insincere that I haven't confronted? I have multiple answers for every one of those questions.
Friendship is not an easy task. I feel like they are harder now than ever before. A large portion of my friends are in college. So many of them have no idea who they are - they are changing, experimenting, trying to figure it out. And for some reason, I find this so incredibly frustrating. I see someone acting a way they normally don't and I get all fired up, because they can't just be themselves and be who they are. And then I realize they aren't really sure who they are. I realize they are still figuring it out, still going through the steps. They don't know if they're going to be stylish or nerdy or cool or clutzy. They don't know who they want to be yet and not only is this okay, this is great. My friends are going through exactly what they NEED to be going through, exactly what I'VE gone through. Yet my patience and my grace is lacking for them. I get mad because I feel like they are being fake to ME, and I get hurt and upset that they would do that.
It is hard to find a balance. I want my friends to be who they are, figure it out and not change after that. Just BE. Instead of loving unconditionally I am loving CONDITIONALLY - I will love and accept you if you are the person I have always known you to be. When you act different, I will get pissed off and not approve, and most likely, you will be well aware.
I'm tired of it being about me. I'm ready for it to be about people. About love, about what they need.
I was able to hear Shauna Nieguist speak on Friday at our Chicks and Chocolate event. I was so intrigued by everything she had to say. I felt like this was a cool older sister talking - finally a speaker that spoke my same language. It was pretty dead on, too. Topic after topic pulled my heart strings, and she was so casual and herself that I couldn't help feeling comfortable, too. She is an incredible speaker and refreshingly genuine and sincere. I'm pretty sure all of us walked out thinking she was our new best friend.
I'm only on page 50 of the book and there is quote after quote I have been jotting down. I keep trying to read but I can't get too far before something hits me so hard I have to stop and text someone it made me think of, or even come to this and really spill out what I'm thinking.
"Friendship is about risk. Love is about risk. If we can control and manage it and manufacture it, its something else, but if its really love, really friendship, it's a little scary around the edges."
How many of my friendships are so full and sincere that I would fight for them? That I would give anything to make sure those people stay close in my life? How many friendships are there that I would be okay with leaving, or that are slipping away now and I'm not doing anything about? How many friendships are there that are gone, or have become insincere that I haven't confronted? I have multiple answers for every one of those questions.
Friendship is not an easy task. I feel like they are harder now than ever before. A large portion of my friends are in college. So many of them have no idea who they are - they are changing, experimenting, trying to figure it out. And for some reason, I find this so incredibly frustrating. I see someone acting a way they normally don't and I get all fired up, because they can't just be themselves and be who they are. And then I realize they aren't really sure who they are. I realize they are still figuring it out, still going through the steps. They don't know if they're going to be stylish or nerdy or cool or clutzy. They don't know who they want to be yet and not only is this okay, this is great. My friends are going through exactly what they NEED to be going through, exactly what I'VE gone through. Yet my patience and my grace is lacking for them. I get mad because I feel like they are being fake to ME, and I get hurt and upset that they would do that.
It is hard to find a balance. I want my friends to be who they are, figure it out and not change after that. Just BE. Instead of loving unconditionally I am loving CONDITIONALLY - I will love and accept you if you are the person I have always known you to be. When you act different, I will get pissed off and not approve, and most likely, you will be well aware.
I'm tired of it being about me. I'm ready for it to be about people. About love, about what they need.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Wake me up when September ends
"I can't handle anymore things that are not quite right in my life, because I feel like that's all I've got. I feel like every single part of my life has bumps and bruises and broken pieces. I want to be all shiny and new, all put together, and I just can't get there . The things I try to forget don't go away, and the mistakes I've made don't go away, and I'm a lot like my old house, cracked and mismatched and patched over."
I am realizing lately I have had a lot of extremely emotional days. Little things make me cry, kind words make me insecure, and laughter seems to have escaped me.
I think about my dear friends moving to Haiti and I am so overwhelmed with pride for them, joy, encouragement, and hope for Haiti. And then my heart hurts thinking of them so far away, and having to go on a trip to Haiti without them [though more likely than not I would see them there!] The Savini's have become such a comfort to me, and that shocks me. I am not one to open up, especially not one to let someone be significant to me. But Jen and Chris are very significant to me. I look up to them, and I love them, and I know they care about me, too. I am incredibly blessed to know them, and be on this journey with them and have them be a part of mine.
It has been interesting for me as the date for them leaving was made official, and has quickly been coming towards us. I am not sure right now what my road looks like, what my path is going to be. I don't know if I am going to move to Haiti or never return. I don't know what God's plan is, and frankly I don't even know what I would like it to be. One minute I feel so moved to start saving and planning and sell all of my belongings and just go. The next moment I am so paralyzed with fear. Fear of what people will think, fear of not getting enough financial support, fear that I am making the wrong decision, and fear of what a hard, difficult choice that would truly be.
Relationships are such a major part of life for me. They hold so much weight in who I am. I let my past regrets and mistakes define my relationships now. Sometimes it is a good thing - I know when to have boundaries and when to let my walls down, what bad habits I have formed and when to watch out for them. But they affect me a lot more mentally than I should let them. It's like Shauna Niequist says in her book Cold Tangerines, which is the quote above. I want to be all shiny and new, all put together, and I just can't get there.
I expect to be able to get it right. I have figured out my problem, I know what needs to change, now it should be perfect. Now my relationships shouldn't have conflicts. Now I shouldn't get hurt, now I shouldn't get angry. Now I shouldn't get jealous, or mad, or insecure. Yet somehow, all of these things keep happening. I have friends that let me down. I disappoint people who mean the world to me. We fight, we get frustrated, we get annoyed.
What Shauna continues with in her book is what really catches me.
"On my worst days, I start to believe that what God wants is perfection. That God is a new-house God. That everything has to work just right, with no cracks in the plaster and no loose tiles. That I need to be completely fixed up. I always think that God's kind of people are squeeky-clean people whose garages don't leak, but really a lot of the people God uses to do amazing things are people who don't necessarily have it all together."
I know I'm getting there. And I need to remember that. I'll never have it perfect or get it completely right. But as long as I keep trying, as long as I am striving to be who God wants me to be, to fix what I can and learn from what I can't - as long as I am taking steps and believing God is here with me and loving me all the way - I will be just fine.
I am realizing lately I have had a lot of extremely emotional days. Little things make me cry, kind words make me insecure, and laughter seems to have escaped me.
I think about my dear friends moving to Haiti and I am so overwhelmed with pride for them, joy, encouragement, and hope for Haiti. And then my heart hurts thinking of them so far away, and having to go on a trip to Haiti without them [though more likely than not I would see them there!] The Savini's have become such a comfort to me, and that shocks me. I am not one to open up, especially not one to let someone be significant to me. But Jen and Chris are very significant to me. I look up to them, and I love them, and I know they care about me, too. I am incredibly blessed to know them, and be on this journey with them and have them be a part of mine.
It has been interesting for me as the date for them leaving was made official, and has quickly been coming towards us. I am not sure right now what my road looks like, what my path is going to be. I don't know if I am going to move to Haiti or never return. I don't know what God's plan is, and frankly I don't even know what I would like it to be. One minute I feel so moved to start saving and planning and sell all of my belongings and just go. The next moment I am so paralyzed with fear. Fear of what people will think, fear of not getting enough financial support, fear that I am making the wrong decision, and fear of what a hard, difficult choice that would truly be.
Relationships are such a major part of life for me. They hold so much weight in who I am. I let my past regrets and mistakes define my relationships now. Sometimes it is a good thing - I know when to have boundaries and when to let my walls down, what bad habits I have formed and when to watch out for them. But they affect me a lot more mentally than I should let them. It's like Shauna Niequist says in her book Cold Tangerines, which is the quote above. I want to be all shiny and new, all put together, and I just can't get there.
I expect to be able to get it right. I have figured out my problem, I know what needs to change, now it should be perfect. Now my relationships shouldn't have conflicts. Now I shouldn't get hurt, now I shouldn't get angry. Now I shouldn't get jealous, or mad, or insecure. Yet somehow, all of these things keep happening. I have friends that let me down. I disappoint people who mean the world to me. We fight, we get frustrated, we get annoyed.
What Shauna continues with in her book is what really catches me.
"On my worst days, I start to believe that what God wants is perfection. That God is a new-house God. That everything has to work just right, with no cracks in the plaster and no loose tiles. That I need to be completely fixed up. I always think that God's kind of people are squeeky-clean people whose garages don't leak, but really a lot of the people God uses to do amazing things are people who don't necessarily have it all together."
I know I'm getting there. And I need to remember that. I'll never have it perfect or get it completely right. But as long as I keep trying, as long as I am striving to be who God wants me to be, to fix what I can and learn from what I can't - as long as I am taking steps and believing God is here with me and loving me all the way - I will be just fine.
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