Conditional

I have a feeling that the more I read Cold Tangerines, the more I will be blogging.

I was able to hear Shauna Nieguist speak on Friday at our Chicks and Chocolate event. I was so intrigued by everything she had to say. I felt like this was a cool older sister talking - finally a speaker that spoke my same language. It was pretty dead on, too. Topic after topic pulled my heart strings, and she was so casual and herself that I couldn't help feeling comfortable, too. She is an incredible speaker and refreshingly genuine and sincere. I'm pretty sure all of us walked out thinking she was our new best friend.

I'm only on page 50 of the book and there is quote after quote I have been jotting down. I keep trying to read but I can't get too far before something hits me so hard I have to stop and text someone it made me think of, or even come to this and really spill out what I'm thinking.


"Friendship is about risk. Love is about risk. If we can control and manage it and manufacture it, its something else, but if its really love, really friendship, it's a little scary around the edges."


How many of my friendships are so full and sincere that I would fight for them? That I would give anything to make sure those people stay close in my life? How many friendships are there that I would be okay with leaving, or that are slipping away now and I'm not doing anything about? How many friendships are there that are gone, or have become insincere that I haven't confronted? I have multiple answers for every one of those questions.

Friendship is not an easy task. I feel like they are harder now than ever before. A large portion of my friends are in college. So many of them have no idea who they are - they are changing, experimenting, trying to figure it out. And for some reason, I find this so incredibly frustrating. I see someone acting a way they normally don't and I get all fired up, because they can't just be themselves and be who they are. And then I realize they aren't really sure who they are. I realize they are still figuring it out, still going through the steps. They don't know if they're going to be stylish or nerdy or cool or clutzy. They don't know who they want to be yet and not only is this okay, this is great. My friends are going through exactly what they NEED to be going through, exactly what I'VE gone through. Yet my patience and my grace is lacking for them. I get mad because I feel like they are being fake to ME, and I get hurt and upset that they would do that.


It is hard to find a balance. I want my friends to be who they are, figure it out and not change after that. Just BE. Instead of loving unconditionally I am loving CONDITIONALLY - I will love and accept you if you are the person I have always known you to be. When you act different, I will get pissed off and not approve, and most likely, you will be well aware.

I'm tired of it being about me. I'm ready for it to be about people. About love, about what they need.