Family

Making wise decisions is probably one of my least favorite things to do. Not because they are good, or right, or because I will probably benefit from them. I hate making wise decisions because they are usually very HARD to make. Wise decisions rarely mean happy decisions. They are decisions I HAVE to make BECAUSE they are the wise thing to do.

I really hate crying. And I don't usually cry in front of other people. AT ALL. I went through a patch the last month or so that I was getting emotional in front of people way more often than I wanted to. My best friend had moved back to Michigan, relationships were still in a sour state, the stress of school was setting in, and the next thing I knew I was getting teary-eyed in front of people.

As much as crying in front of people says that I am struggling, that is not what tells me it is time for change. When I start crying after leaving situations time and time again, and when thinking about a certain thing makes me sob every time it comes to mind, that is when I know there is a real problem. I really am not much of a crier. I find it embarrassing and weak, and I don't like to do it.

I don't always understand how I can be so completely and utterly weak yet strong and brave all at the same time. I have gone through a lot and as much as it has gone away, it still exists. There is a lot of pain, a lot of wishing, a lot of heart break. Yet through the destruction and the fear somehow I am okay. I always have something to turn to, someone to care about me. I am not alone, and I never will be. I know my purpose, I know my mission, I know my desires, I know who I am. I will lose people, relationships will change, people will walk away and I won't be good enough for others. But I can still walk forward, head up, moving forward in life, believing in myself and what I am doing.

I am beginning to wonder if I will ever settle down. If I will ever stop moving, ever stop changing, ever stop running. I have quick feet, I make quick decisions, and I want to do it all. I wonder if I will ever have a place that is home not just physically but home to my heart. I wonder if I will ever have a family I can be close to and call my own, people that love me so crazy much that they would do anything for me. That's really all I want in life. Just a family.