does everyone deserve a second chance?

"does everyone deserve a second chance?"


I've read this question on surveys, been asked, heard conversations... and I always thought "no, not everyone".

how hypocritical.

I never realized how wrong that was until church today. it was all about pride and second chances. I mean, i know people screw up, and I always forgive them; holding grudges is for 5th graders. but I always said I would never give some people a second chance, like Jared, or Joel, and friends who betrayed me. and that's wrong. I mean you don't have to open yourself up and be vulnerable, and let people hurt you over and over and over again. That's not the point. but that doesnt mean you cant give another chance.

i have screwed up so many times. SO many times, with SO many different people. yet, I was given more chances. for example, with my mother. I screw up daily with her. im disrespectful, i dont do what im supposed to when im supposed to, etc. yet, every time, she gives me another chance and forgives me. another example, God. I have sinned innumerable times. turned my back, turned on Him, ignored Him, etc. Yet, He still loves me unconditionally and is 100% merciful.

and here I am. this kid hurt me, so im just gonna stop being friends with me. that girl lied to me, so im never gonna trust her again. he flirted with another girl, im never gonna date him again. seriously? i have done so much worse, and i keep getting more chances. not only 2nd chances, but 3rd, and 4th, 5th, 6th, etc. so why do i have the right to take chances away from other people?

i am no longer gonna shut down if someone screws up. i mean i always forgive them. but now its time to actually forgive and FORGET. if i deserve 2nd and 3rd and 4th chances, so does everyone else. maybe not to date, or let them get super close to you again. not if they hurt me really bad. but at least to the point where I give them a chance to change, or a chance to be my friend again. its only fair :]




Psalm 86:5 - For You, Lord, [are] good, and ready to forgive, And abundant in mercy to all those who call upon You.

well, time to go do something distracting

i hate those days when you're in a mood thats indescribable, but not in a good way.
and that's definitely today.



yesterday was tough. i was really looking forward to our concert, and as with every other big thing that im excited about, my mom ruined it for me. well, attempted to. i didnt let her.

i hate how when we get in a fight, she acts like im such a horrible horrible person. we dont fight that much, but when we do, she acts as if wev been fighting the whole time and never get along. but thats not true! we could get along for MONTHS. things could be going so well, and we're both really happy with each other. but one little fight and "BAM!" im back to this obnoxious teen she cant wait to move out. it hurts. it makes me not want to try and have a relationship with her because i know it doesnt matter if we get along, because as soon as we fight all the effort will be erased.

im tired of this. im just... tired. im trying so hard to live for the Lord and do what He wants but its so hard when your home life is crap. i know it's a big part of what i needed to change and the fact that I keep falling is a huge dissapointment. like I can't do anything right.

yet, besides home, everything is going SO well. i have awesome friends; megan, nernin, mitch, nicky, ethan, garret, matt, krystal, charissa, tim, shawn, rachael, marie... i could go on forever. i have AWESOME friends. and stuco is going great. im an official intern and i love helping out with stuff and really being a leader. even work is okay, and finding a new job is going well, too. i have nothing to complain about.

yet... im depressed. when im with friends or at stuco its so easy to smile and laugh but deep down i know im hurt. and i hate that iv gotten back to this place. its not bad. i mean i love life. that wont change. i have so many goals and dreams. yet i feel like im kind of just trying to get through day by day, fast forward to another time. i want to go back to where i loved life, and i was sad when a day passed, because it was one less day i could spend alive. now im just ready to jump to next year, next decade. i hate it.


i thought getting this out would make me feel better.
but i still feel just as gross.
like a huge rock is on my chest.
im not sure what it is yet, but it would be great to get off.

The irony of it all

I was sitting on facebook, messing around with pages and applications and talking to a few people, when I decided to update my fortune cookie. I clicked "get new fortune", and this is what I got; "stop sitting on the fence".

It cracked me up.

Our whole theme at CIY was MOVE, and do what God wants. Hand it over to Him and just RUN. I knew I was going to do it. The second night we were there I told God to fill me completely with His holy spirit, and that I was going to live for him 100%. So far, the change has gone well. The biggest thing I needed to work on was my anger. I have a thing with blowing steam by blowing UP, and I hate when I do that. It's the personality flaw that I can not STAND with myself. and, since I have been home, I've gotten frusturated and kind of ticked off, but I kept my cool. Where my anger comes out the most is at my mother, which is so wrong it's not even funny. She is the one who deserves the most love and care and respect of anybody I know, yet she's the one that I snap at constantly. And I know that has to change. So it is changing. and right now. God is really helping me know how to respond and react when people wrong me, and so far, so good. Hopefully that will keep working!

Another thing this week that was brought to my attention was living for him completely. I mean I already agreed to give up any career idea for Him and do what He wants me to [which is youth ministry] and for some reason I felt like that was enough. Like hey, I'm giving up my job to do a job for God, I'm living for Him.

Wrong.

Sure, my FUTURE was going to be for Him. My job/career that I would do my entire life would be the one He picked out for me. But that doesn't mean I'm LIVING for Him. Here I am, a Christ follower, who is going to go into ministry and do whatever He wants, yet some people have no idea I'm a follower. How can I say I'm living for Him when most people don't even know I go to church? So another goal I have coming off that trip is acting the part 24/7. At church, at school, at home, at my job, everywhere. I'll be the same person all the time, someone that I like and I know God is proud of. I usually am that person, but I slip up more than necessary. I'm so ready to hand it over and stand firm in my beliefs and be exactly who God wants me to be. I want to be someone He is proud of, someone He will stand up and applaud. I just want to make Him happy, because of everything He has done for me. It's the least I could do.

So there you go, my 2 main goals coming out of CIY 2008. I have so much support from so many people, and I am incredibly grateful for that. I have some awesome role models/friends in my life; I'm extremely blessed.

More updates later :]

oh its good to be home...

i walk in to my mom and brother fighting. hardcore fighting. from what she tells me they have been all week, and everythings just getting uglier.

the first person to ask me how my trip went was a little girl i tutored 3 years ago who found my aim screen name.
i was asked more than 6 hours after i had gotten home.


as some of the people know who went to CIY with me, i am struggling with a boyfriend situation. i deeply, deeply care about my boyfriend. i love him and have grown up with him. the LAST thing iwant to do is break up with him. iv been with him for quite a while. but this week at CIY God told me to get rid of my distractions and focus 100% on him. one of the first things he told me to get rid of was my boyfriend. i want to do whatever God wants me to, but that was something I knew would be hard. I struggled. ask Mitch, he knows. he sat with me as I cried and tried to explain it to my boyfriend, who talked me out of it. [for the moment] i knew i would still do what God wanted me to cause thats just the way it has to be. but it hurt. i cried and cried and felt so guilty and horrible to be hurting someone who hadnt done anything wrong.

that i had known of, at the moment.


i get home, and go on my facebook and myspace, and read this girls site. her status says: "at joels lakehouse for the weekend. call text meee. but well be having too much fun, i probably wont answer ;]" [joel is my boyfriend, btw].

lets just say i snapped.

joel, who iv been dating for months, told me that he couldnt bring anyone to the lakehouse when he goes.
more like anyone that hes actually dating.

i text the girl, her being my "friend" and all, and he obviously saw that and calls me, to say "hey, i just wanted u 2 know im at the lakehouse. and sam is with me. ok gtg bye" and literally hangs up on me before i get a word out.

he obviously knows what hes doing is wrong, or he wouldnt have called or acted like that on the phone. he would have told me ahead of time.



i trust God. even more now. He was obviously trying to protect me from staying with someone disloyal and dishonest. as soon as I see my boyfriend again he will be single. if not sooner than that. and i am NOT dating again. not anytime soon.



welcome home erin.
your family is all fighting.
nobody cares that your back.
and your boyfriend is cheating on you.


anything else you would like to know?

CIY 2008; Move

I'm too exhausted to write the full blog now, but the conference was amazing. I have definitely felt God move closer in my life, and i completely 100% handed myself over to him. With this came awesome feelings, and extremely difficult tasks. I feel that I have had the Holy Spirit within me for a while, but not all the way. So I asked Him to come in and fill me and He did, and when He did this I knew I had to give up all sinful habits and dedicate my life to the Lord. My biggest problem; my quick mouth. I tend to mouth off to my mother and be disrespectful, and that has been my most difficult roadblock for quite some time now. enough time to make me be sick of, and just want it to be okay. so that personality trait will be changing, as well as making sure people can tell just by knowing me that I am a Christ follower. It's something I really believe should happen with all Christ followers.


There's so much more, but I'm too tired to keep my eyes open.
more updates later tonight or tomorrow.