well, time to go do something distracting

i hate those days when you're in a mood thats indescribable, but not in a good way.
and that's definitely today.



yesterday was tough. i was really looking forward to our concert, and as with every other big thing that im excited about, my mom ruined it for me. well, attempted to. i didnt let her.

i hate how when we get in a fight, she acts like im such a horrible horrible person. we dont fight that much, but when we do, she acts as if wev been fighting the whole time and never get along. but thats not true! we could get along for MONTHS. things could be going so well, and we're both really happy with each other. but one little fight and "BAM!" im back to this obnoxious teen she cant wait to move out. it hurts. it makes me not want to try and have a relationship with her because i know it doesnt matter if we get along, because as soon as we fight all the effort will be erased.

im tired of this. im just... tired. im trying so hard to live for the Lord and do what He wants but its so hard when your home life is crap. i know it's a big part of what i needed to change and the fact that I keep falling is a huge dissapointment. like I can't do anything right.

yet, besides home, everything is going SO well. i have awesome friends; megan, nernin, mitch, nicky, ethan, garret, matt, krystal, charissa, tim, shawn, rachael, marie... i could go on forever. i have AWESOME friends. and stuco is going great. im an official intern and i love helping out with stuff and really being a leader. even work is okay, and finding a new job is going well, too. i have nothing to complain about.

yet... im depressed. when im with friends or at stuco its so easy to smile and laugh but deep down i know im hurt. and i hate that iv gotten back to this place. its not bad. i mean i love life. that wont change. i have so many goals and dreams. yet i feel like im kind of just trying to get through day by day, fast forward to another time. i want to go back to where i loved life, and i was sad when a day passed, because it was one less day i could spend alive. now im just ready to jump to next year, next decade. i hate it.


i thought getting this out would make me feel better.
but i still feel just as gross.
like a huge rock is on my chest.
im not sure what it is yet, but it would be great to get off.