i can never think of good subject lines. ever.

so im trying to make the best out of whats going on. something that would be really great, though, would be knowing why im grounded. but every time i ask my mom, she changes her reason
uuuurgh

but anyway...

i love justice. i do. i love working there. BUT. there are a lot of downsides. you dont have a set schedule. unless its the holiday season, hours are crap. and because im still a student i almost always have to close, and closing SUCKS. my favorite manager left. and as soon as the holidays are over, the manager who came back will be firing half the girls on staff. and since she doesnt know me, that will probably include me.

good news?

since it doesnt look like my mom is going to be letting me move out, i decided to do childcare at home. pays 8 bucks an hour, about 3 hours a day, 5 days a week. 15 hours a week is about how many hours im going to be getting a MONTH at justice [@&#*$%*@] thats about 120 a week, 240 a paycheck. thats way better than what im getting now, so im quitting justice. i was hesitant to do this bc i want to move out and dont want this holding me back. but if i move out, its just one way of showing my mom ill be sticking around. but it doesnt look like shes going to let me move out, so whatever...

Bs funeral was pretty. but hard to see... oh well. i miss her. im not happy about the fact that shes gone. who would be? whatever. it was good to go to church again, see everybody. always cheers me up. it was smart to go there after the funeral, i needed the comfort.


alsdfjalsdf. life. its crazy.
i cant wait for college.
165 days now? until i move out, that is. maybe 167. i cant remember.
whatever, close enough :]

Returning to the writing world...

I've been too caught up in everything going on to blog, and at first i didnt care, but i realize now its been like not journaling for weeks, and its really starting to take a toll. not only have i been grounded from the world, but i feel uncomfortable bc iv been dumping so much junk on brandie and tim and matt, so iv been keeping my mouth shut [well, slightly, at least]. so now i have all this built up emotion i havent even been able to get out in a JOURNAL. definitely not healthy. so here we go

of course i decide to start blogging again the day i realize iv been acting like a moron. tonight the msg was about hope. obviously, since i teach small group, i didnt hear the msg, but i was in the service when they played the last song, which was "song of hope". a lot of the lyrics are pretty much about hitting rock bottom and how things cant get worse, but not losing hope or faith in God. and i realize that iv totally been failing as a Christ follower the past 2 weeks. iv been miserable. and totally falling apart. and instead of clinging to God and my faith and having hope that he will pull me thru, i let the sorrow totally consume me. and now that iv kind of surfaced, i realize how dumb its been to kind of.. let myself drown.

im done feeling stupid and crying and feeling hopeless. im done. no, things at home are not going to change right now. no, there nothing i can do about it. yes, i can find the positives in all situations. yes, right now, this is where god wants me to be. and yes, thats for a reason.

stupid stupid stupid. im done. im done being such an idiot. i miss who i was 2 weeks ago. i always said i refused to let my mom change who i am. yet, iv let her do it. why?? because i was an idiot. and im done. im done letting her break my heart, put me in the worst mood ever. i shouldnt let anyone ever have that power. so im taking it back.

i have a purpose. i have so much going for me. i can still reach my goals even when she is trying to hold me back.

ahh ha!!! i feel so much better now. so much better

is it possible to remove tear ducts?

its funny. some days i long just to be able to lose it. sob like crazy, cry until i run dry. and then... theres the days it happens. and i wish i could build a dam, or clog it, or something.

i dont know what to do. i cant change this. i seriously think it cant get worse and then it does. i miss being optimistic. more than anything. i wish feeling HOPE.

empowered

i never thought i could love again
i never thought id let somebody else in





goodbye. thank you for screwing up my life
im ready to really let you go
i dont need you
this is a fact
i also dont need to keep letting you get to me
its not gonna help me
and your not worth my time



GOODBYE
GOODBYE. GOODBYE. GOODBYE.


i honestly feel better already
AH HA!
i can do this
i. can. do. this.


peace out, loser

dream so i dont forget it

with a bunch of other people
captured somewhere, we couldnt leave or do what we wanted or we would be physically punished
there was a guy who was in charge of everything
there was one point where we had to rip off the ears of the person by us, and we had to team up with someone of a different race. we were all black and white. and the person closest to me was chas howard, so i was supposed to rip his ears off. we all headed outside to do it, but i hid. from that point on, i kept my hair over my ears so he didnt know i still had mine


freakiest dream ever. i already forgot most of it, but my heart is STILL pounding, and i woke up over 30 minutes ago.

definitely one of the scariest dreams iv had. i could actually feel every emotion i had in the dream, and the other people's emotions in the dreams around me.

matt

i miss you matt. idk what it is lately, but i cant stop thinking about the fact that your gone.

meg talked about you in a video at church a few weeks ago. just hearing your name makes me cry. i miss you like crazy.
yesterday i went with her to get her tattoo. your dates on it. i told her it would mean a lot to you, bc i know it does. when i got home i cried for hours.


i cant believe your gone. sometimes i get so mad at myself for not realizing you werent happy. maybe i could have done something. maybe someone could. anyone. why didnt you just tell us? why couldnt we help you? why did you just have to leave? you werent supposed to die yet. we all loved you. so many people loved you. your friends, family. people who had just met you. your so amazing. i just dont understand how you could do this.

i always felt so guilty. like i failed you. but you failed me. you failed all of us. you just left, you didnt even warn us. we all loved you so much. why wasnt it enough? why werent we good enough?

i miss you. i dont care about any of that. i dont. i miss you so much matty. i need you. you always brightened up my days, no matter what. why did you have to leave?

one more day. i would ask for just one more day. just to hug you and tell you how much i love you and everyone else and how much you mean to me, and how you improved my life by leaps and bounds. just one more day. gosh i would be happy with just an hour. i just miss you so much. i need you. i need you here. i cant remember your laugh anymore. i cant remember it and i need it and i need you and i hate this. i hate this. i hate that you left. i almost wish i could hate you for it. maybe this would be easier. so much easier.


death sucks. i hate it. i HATE it. why do people have to get taken away? why the BEST people? lisas grandma, matt, christian, david, aaron. its not fair.

i also hate missing people. i hate having to go through your day like normal when theyr not there anymore. its NOT normal, its not the same. and it wont ever be again. it cant be. and i hate having to pretend like it is. its stupid and its fake and i want to go back to how it was.

damn it matt. damn it.
i cant bear this. i miss you so much. so frickin much