matt

i miss you matt. idk what it is lately, but i cant stop thinking about the fact that your gone.

meg talked about you in a video at church a few weeks ago. just hearing your name makes me cry. i miss you like crazy.
yesterday i went with her to get her tattoo. your dates on it. i told her it would mean a lot to you, bc i know it does. when i got home i cried for hours.


i cant believe your gone. sometimes i get so mad at myself for not realizing you werent happy. maybe i could have done something. maybe someone could. anyone. why didnt you just tell us? why couldnt we help you? why did you just have to leave? you werent supposed to die yet. we all loved you. so many people loved you. your friends, family. people who had just met you. your so amazing. i just dont understand how you could do this.

i always felt so guilty. like i failed you. but you failed me. you failed all of us. you just left, you didnt even warn us. we all loved you so much. why wasnt it enough? why werent we good enough?

i miss you. i dont care about any of that. i dont. i miss you so much matty. i need you. you always brightened up my days, no matter what. why did you have to leave?

one more day. i would ask for just one more day. just to hug you and tell you how much i love you and everyone else and how much you mean to me, and how you improved my life by leaps and bounds. just one more day. gosh i would be happy with just an hour. i just miss you so much. i need you. i need you here. i cant remember your laugh anymore. i cant remember it and i need it and i need you and i hate this. i hate this. i hate that you left. i almost wish i could hate you for it. maybe this would be easier. so much easier.


death sucks. i hate it. i HATE it. why do people have to get taken away? why the BEST people? lisas grandma, matt, christian, david, aaron. its not fair.

i also hate missing people. i hate having to go through your day like normal when theyr not there anymore. its NOT normal, its not the same. and it wont ever be again. it cant be. and i hate having to pretend like it is. its stupid and its fake and i want to go back to how it was.

damn it matt. damn it.
i cant bear this. i miss you so much. so frickin much