Returning to the writing world...

I've been too caught up in everything going on to blog, and at first i didnt care, but i realize now its been like not journaling for weeks, and its really starting to take a toll. not only have i been grounded from the world, but i feel uncomfortable bc iv been dumping so much junk on brandie and tim and matt, so iv been keeping my mouth shut [well, slightly, at least]. so now i have all this built up emotion i havent even been able to get out in a JOURNAL. definitely not healthy. so here we go

of course i decide to start blogging again the day i realize iv been acting like a moron. tonight the msg was about hope. obviously, since i teach small group, i didnt hear the msg, but i was in the service when they played the last song, which was "song of hope". a lot of the lyrics are pretty much about hitting rock bottom and how things cant get worse, but not losing hope or faith in God. and i realize that iv totally been failing as a Christ follower the past 2 weeks. iv been miserable. and totally falling apart. and instead of clinging to God and my faith and having hope that he will pull me thru, i let the sorrow totally consume me. and now that iv kind of surfaced, i realize how dumb its been to kind of.. let myself drown.

im done feeling stupid and crying and feeling hopeless. im done. no, things at home are not going to change right now. no, there nothing i can do about it. yes, i can find the positives in all situations. yes, right now, this is where god wants me to be. and yes, thats for a reason.

stupid stupid stupid. im done. im done being such an idiot. i miss who i was 2 weeks ago. i always said i refused to let my mom change who i am. yet, iv let her do it. why?? because i was an idiot. and im done. im done letting her break my heart, put me in the worst mood ever. i shouldnt let anyone ever have that power. so im taking it back.

i have a purpose. i have so much going for me. i can still reach my goals even when she is trying to hold me back.

ahh ha!!! i feel so much better now. so much better