I can't believe I went almost 2 months without writing at all. I'm hoping if I begin blogging my thoughts again, the nightmares will begin to fade and I'll be able to sleep.
I'm not even sure where to start. I feel like I have such a ridiculous amount of words built up inside, and if I start to let it drip its gonna flood.
I feel like lately I am getting so many lessons on relationships. and I'm not sure any of them are good ones. I'm not perfect at them, at all. Actually, I'm pretty darn bad at them. But I'm trying so hard, I really am. Right now I'm just struggling to see WHY I'm trying so hard.
I think my biggest motivation is fixing my relationships and my problems so that I can be a good youth pastor. I don't want teenagers to have to go through what I did alone. I'm so afraid I'll try and do ministry and something about ME is going to get in the way of helping someone else. It hurts my heart just to THINK about that situation. I just want to help people. Maybe because I know I need the help so badly, and it makes me want to help others even more.
When I feel worn out, I just turn to other people who are struggling and focus on them. I'm worried I'm continually shoving myself aside, over and over. The healthier erin is screaming and fighting, and the old erin just shoves her back and keeps going.
Why is it that when people finally acknowledge my feelings I blow it off so they stop? Stupid. And I complain about people not listening to me or understanding. I won't LET them.
I'm sick of messing up. I'm sick of feeling like I am doing something wrong all the time. I just need to be loved right now. I just don't know what to do right now.
Did I make a mistake?
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