Lord I'm tired, so tired from walking. And Lord, I'm so alone. Lord, the dark is creepin in, creepin up to swallow me. I think I'll stop, rest here awhile. This is all that I can say right now, this is all that I can give. This is all that I can say right now, and this is all that I can give. That's my everything.
Did you see me crying? Oh and did you hear me call your name? Wasn't it you I gave my heart to? Wish you'd remember where you set it down. And this is all, this is all that I can say right now. I know it's not much, but this is all that I can give. That's my everything. This is all that I can say right now, right now, I know it's not much. Well this is all that I can give, and that's my everything.
Didn't know that you were standing here. Didn't know that that was you holding me. I didn't notice you were crying, too. I didn't know that that was you washing my feet. And this is all, this is all that I can say right now. Oh I know it's not much. This is all that I can give, yeah that's my everything. This is all that I can say right now, right now, I know it's not much. But this is all that I can give. Yeah that's my everything. This is all that I can say right now, oh and I know it's not much. This is all that I can give, and that's my everything, my everything. Everything.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Chosen
I haven't been doing a great job of reading my Bible the past few weeks, since my accountability partner and I decided to no longer be accountability partners. Right after we had decided that I went through a few rough patches, and my desire to talk to God or hear from God definitely increased. I've felt challenged over and over since I stopped reading to start again, and this week I finally caved. I was surprised at how relieved I was to read it again. I started in Proverbs, read through a few chapters, and read a few Psalms.
I am finding that my desire to grow is stronger now than it probably ever has been. I am leading groups to Haiti and leading teams at StuCo, but most importantly, I have influence on a lot of teenage girls. Between girls I would call sisters and girls I had led in small group at some point in time, I am shocked to find out how many of them still really look up to me.
I remember in junior high how easily it was for me to consider someone one of my role models. I wanted someone to look up to so badly. Sometimes I chose great influences, sometimes I chose really bad ones. Even still now, it is easy for me to meet someone and grow to respect and really admire them. I remember how important it was to my life growing up, and how important it is to my life now. And then I just feel blown away. Who am I to be influencing other people? How was I given the honor of being a role model?
This is a great, and humbling reminder that God chooses us. We can't buy these kind of honors, or even earn them. God CHOOSES us.
More often than not I don't feel like I deserve these girls' admiration. But this is where God has placed me, and I want to live up to that. Not so I can get a pat on the back or be the hero to many teens acros the nation. But simply because I love God. And this is how God is asking me to help Him. He doesn't NEED my help. He's LETTING me.
What a huge honor and huge responsibility, to be leading teenagers in their lives and their walks with Christ.
I am finding that my desire to grow is stronger now than it probably ever has been. I am leading groups to Haiti and leading teams at StuCo, but most importantly, I have influence on a lot of teenage girls. Between girls I would call sisters and girls I had led in small group at some point in time, I am shocked to find out how many of them still really look up to me.
I remember in junior high how easily it was for me to consider someone one of my role models. I wanted someone to look up to so badly. Sometimes I chose great influences, sometimes I chose really bad ones. Even still now, it is easy for me to meet someone and grow to respect and really admire them. I remember how important it was to my life growing up, and how important it is to my life now. And then I just feel blown away. Who am I to be influencing other people? How was I given the honor of being a role model?
This is a great, and humbling reminder that God chooses us. We can't buy these kind of honors, or even earn them. God CHOOSES us.
More often than not I don't feel like I deserve these girls' admiration. But this is where God has placed me, and I want to live up to that. Not so I can get a pat on the back or be the hero to many teens acros the nation. But simply because I love God. And this is how God is asking me to help Him. He doesn't NEED my help. He's LETTING me.
What a huge honor and huge responsibility, to be leading teenagers in their lives and their walks with Christ.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Reciprocal
I haven't usually been one to ask myself what I gain from what I do in my life. I usually just do it. Sometimes that's good, sometimes that's bad. Sometimes it means I'm being selfless and caring for others. Sometimes it's because I want to do something that I know probably would turn out bady for me or is an unwise decision, but I want to do it anyway. I rarely think about what I could learn from the situation or what could come out of it until it has already happened and I learned [often the hard way] what the outcome would be.
I think I've finally gotten to the point of my life where it is important to me to think before I act. And not meaning I won't take risks or step out in blind faith, because I hope to continue to do that. But when making decisions, however big or small, they need to be thoroughly thought through. I am in a lot of situations in my life currently where it is not something that is healthy for me, or that I am learning from. I am in a lot of one way relationships, which is even more frustrating to me. I believe in the concept of reciprocal relationships. Not because you owe it to the person or even because they deserve it, but because that's how you have a healthy relationship. Give AND take. I also believe in relational communication. You TALK when you are frustrated or upset, or even slightly irritated. Somethings need to be let go, yes. But when you aren't letting it go, and you KNOW it, you need to talk.
I think one of the most frustrating things for me is when you go to someone who has hurt you, and instead of hearing why you are hurt and working together to fix it, they go on attack. They say mean things that they know will hurt you just because they want to spite you, and they are on the defense. They accuse you of everything you have EVER done wrong, just so they dont have to feel bad. Now, I know that sometimes, their accusations are dead on. You havent been listening well, or sensitive to THEIR feelings. But when I come to you first, and you havent told me any of these things, I expect you to listen to what I'm saying and respect my feelings. I will absolutely listen to your feelings and respect them, and we can work together to fix those as well. But just because you feel like I've hurt you, too, doesnt mean you disregard the feelings I came to you with. We are EQUAL. My feelings matter. If I come to you with something that is going wrong, obviously something needs to get fixed. I do not expect it to be a "get on the defense and attack Erin" conversation, either. Multiple people can be in the wrong. But one person's wrong does not cancel out the other. They BOTH need to be worked through.
I'm tired of being the first to communicate so suddenly im insensitive, or I'm the bad guy. How are you supposed to have a relationship if it is not open and equal?
I think I've finally gotten to the point of my life where it is important to me to think before I act. And not meaning I won't take risks or step out in blind faith, because I hope to continue to do that. But when making decisions, however big or small, they need to be thoroughly thought through. I am in a lot of situations in my life currently where it is not something that is healthy for me, or that I am learning from. I am in a lot of one way relationships, which is even more frustrating to me. I believe in the concept of reciprocal relationships. Not because you owe it to the person or even because they deserve it, but because that's how you have a healthy relationship. Give AND take. I also believe in relational communication. You TALK when you are frustrated or upset, or even slightly irritated. Somethings need to be let go, yes. But when you aren't letting it go, and you KNOW it, you need to talk.
I think one of the most frustrating things for me is when you go to someone who has hurt you, and instead of hearing why you are hurt and working together to fix it, they go on attack. They say mean things that they know will hurt you just because they want to spite you, and they are on the defense. They accuse you of everything you have EVER done wrong, just so they dont have to feel bad. Now, I know that sometimes, their accusations are dead on. You havent been listening well, or sensitive to THEIR feelings. But when I come to you first, and you havent told me any of these things, I expect you to listen to what I'm saying and respect my feelings. I will absolutely listen to your feelings and respect them, and we can work together to fix those as well. But just because you feel like I've hurt you, too, doesnt mean you disregard the feelings I came to you with. We are EQUAL. My feelings matter. If I come to you with something that is going wrong, obviously something needs to get fixed. I do not expect it to be a "get on the defense and attack Erin" conversation, either. Multiple people can be in the wrong. But one person's wrong does not cancel out the other. They BOTH need to be worked through.
I'm tired of being the first to communicate so suddenly im insensitive, or I'm the bad guy. How are you supposed to have a relationship if it is not open and equal?
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Twenty-something
I feel like I am stuck in this awful in between part of my life. I felt so confident in the family God had given me, in the friends God had given me, in my purpose and my career choice. I feel like someone punched the window of my life and it has shattered into a million pieces, and I am throwing myself around trying to pick it all up and get the shards to all fit back together. But it feels like now that the glass has been shattered, it's not the same shape, and never can be. It might not be a huge difference, but every little knick or shred that's missing has completely changed how it works together.
I have been so confident in where I should be headed and that I'm doing the right thing. Now I know where what I should be doing but I'm not sure if I'm doing it. Sometimes I don't feel like I'm doing anything. Everywhere I turn, my friends are starting real careers with real salaries. Right and left my friends are getting engaged, some even getting married. I have friends that have died, friends that are seriously sick, friends that are getting their own places. How old am I?? I'm constantly shocked at how quickly my life is moving. I am just turning 20 and all of this is already happening? I was quick to become indepedent and force myself into adulthood, and now I'm not even sure if I'm in the right place or know what I'm getting into.
I recently had quite the relational disconnect from God, and it left me feeling pretty down. It's rare I go even half a day without talking to Him in some way, or just listening to what He is sayin. This past month I went a good week and a half without saying a word, unless I was yelling about how I didn't understand, or didn't think what was happening was fair. I felt like the naughty child when I had to get down on my knees and humble myself enough to admit I was wrong, and apologize for taking it out on the person who deserved it least of all. And like every other time, my Father just wrapped me right back up, knowing all along I would come back and He was just patiently waiting. I felt relieved, and disappointed in myself for getting so mad at Him in the first place. And now that I finally have taken my misguided anger out of the picture, I'm really having to LOOK at the picture and figure life out.
As confused as I am, as lost as I am, as defeated as I feel, I am blessed. My Father loves me and you know what, that really is all that matters. He is here for me every single step of the way, tiny or gigantic, no matter what. And He is all I need!
I'm sure I'll never figure it out. Now I just need to become content in knowing that.
I have been so confident in where I should be headed and that I'm doing the right thing. Now I know where what I should be doing but I'm not sure if I'm doing it. Sometimes I don't feel like I'm doing anything. Everywhere I turn, my friends are starting real careers with real salaries. Right and left my friends are getting engaged, some even getting married. I have friends that have died, friends that are seriously sick, friends that are getting their own places. How old am I?? I'm constantly shocked at how quickly my life is moving. I am just turning 20 and all of this is already happening? I was quick to become indepedent and force myself into adulthood, and now I'm not even sure if I'm in the right place or know what I'm getting into.
I recently had quite the relational disconnect from God, and it left me feeling pretty down. It's rare I go even half a day without talking to Him in some way, or just listening to what He is sayin. This past month I went a good week and a half without saying a word, unless I was yelling about how I didn't understand, or didn't think what was happening was fair. I felt like the naughty child when I had to get down on my knees and humble myself enough to admit I was wrong, and apologize for taking it out on the person who deserved it least of all. And like every other time, my Father just wrapped me right back up, knowing all along I would come back and He was just patiently waiting. I felt relieved, and disappointed in myself for getting so mad at Him in the first place. And now that I finally have taken my misguided anger out of the picture, I'm really having to LOOK at the picture and figure life out.
As confused as I am, as lost as I am, as defeated as I feel, I am blessed. My Father loves me and you know what, that really is all that matters. He is here for me every single step of the way, tiny or gigantic, no matter what. And He is all I need!
I'm sure I'll never figure it out. Now I just need to become content in knowing that.
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