i have been completely emptied tonight. i no longer have the strength or the will power to fight my mother. im not winning, things are only getting worse. im pretty much shut off at this point, which has its positives and negatives. positives are, if im shut off, my emotions pretty much are too. which means i wont fight my mom or get angry or make her want to extend my punishment, so i should be back in stuco by next week. negatives are that mine and my moms relationship improving in anyway is pretty much not going to happen. at least until i get... well, for lack of a better term, "turned back on".
i told my mom im done taking on her responsibilities. im done being the mother to my brothers because for one it is too much for me to handle. and its also ruining my relationship with them. and its not worth it. so im done. and i told her i wasnt doing it anymore and she of course denied i ever had to. so i walked out. and im sure shell see the change. im not going to give them ANY kind of instruction. im done. im done parenting for her. homework, chores, bed time, punishments, etc. im done. and shes going to feel this load as soon as shes home for more than an hour or two. maybe she just needs to use her head and realize everything iv been doing for her. im sick of her. im sick of this. im sick of living here.
i have 7 months and 2 weeks until i turn 18. my goal is to have the money to get my own place. if i dont have it then, i will have a car, and if i have to move in with someone else [last resort, my father] until i can get the money to move on my own, i will. im going to try and find a responsible friend who is also going to waubonsee, and maybe we can rent together. but im not going to rent with someone who will not pay and screw ME over. so well see how that goes. i graduate the week after that anyway, so getting to school wont be a problem anymore
7 months and 2 weeks. im dead set on this. 18. freedom. finally. i cant be here anymore. i wont let her ruin me. i absolutely refuse. iv improved so much and gotten so far. im not going to let her put me back where i was. theres no way. iv worked too hard, changed too much. im not going to let her ruin that.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
waitin on the world to change...
as im going through this intership one of my main goals is to be a christ follower in all aspects of my life. school, church, youth group, home, etc. you would think it would be easy to do in church and youth group, but its actually some work, and something i am still working on. im trying to be the best person i can be as well as the best example. in stuco, iv already made the changes i felt very strongly about. most of that was the reason i was going to stuco in the first place. for a lot of people its kind of like a social club. it was for me last year. now i go to stuco more as a leader, not so much as a student. but i know i need to pay attention, and be an example for all the other students im with. i no longer go to hang out with friends; i go to hear the message and make stuco a more welcoming place for new and even some old students. if i had continued to go for my own reasons, stuco would continue to be a hang out with my own little "clique", which shrinks the experience i can get from it. changing from the small focus to the big focus has helped me get so much more out of this already-awesome youth group. i feel myself growing as a student and a leader, and definitely in positive ways.
i also wanted to grow within my church more. help more, volunteer more, attend more, etc. i started going to all 3 church services, and i love it. yes, church is what i would say my "real home" is. its been like that for a long time. i know about a year and a half ago when my mom and i fought really bad, instead of walking to a friends i walked however many miles it was to my church, just to sit and pray in the sanctuary. i feel God there more than anywhere, and i feel safe. its like my shelter. i teach the small group saturday night [when we have students] help out sunday mornings and attend the services. most of the time i go to service saturday night because we rarely have students. but i decided taht on sundays during the 11 o clock when all my peers/friends show up i should go to the service, and that should be my priority. those friends dont all know if iv attended the night before, or the service before. so sitting outside during service is setting an example for him that we dont need to hear the message, even though most of the time it is a huge help to me.
in school, its been pretty easy to take on my "christ-like personality". i remember last year if someone heard i was going to be a youth pastor [which rarely happened] they would be like what no way, really?? that upset me. a lot. the fact that they couldnt see me as a pastor or had no idea i was a christ follower at all was NOT cool. its funny how much of a change there was this year. and i noticed it wasnt because of word of mouth. it was my personality that made people realize there was something else. iv been praying for that and hoping i could become that kind of disciple for Christ for a long, long time. I reach out to others; school is no longer about seeing my friends or hanging out with the people iv always hung out with. i dont hang out with any of teh same people. my circle of friends has grown tremendously just from reaching out to people i wouldnt usually talk to. and beacuse of that, people have seen a difference. i refuse to walk into school with anything less than a smile on my face, no matter how upset i am [thanks for that lesson, barsch]. iv been able to witness to people and be a light to people going through tough situations. this is what iv always wanted. sometimes, since backing away from the people who arent the greatest friends, its been hard, and sometimes even lonely. but its soo worth it, i wouldnt have it any other way.
it seems now that the only place im continuing to struggle with being christ like is in my own house. i want to set a good example for my little brothers, and have done a pretty good job doing that for chandler. my mother is always shooting darts about how i dont act like a christ follower and how i shouldnt be in leadership cause im so horrible. that always makes me so angry bc iv seen such a huge and positive change, and have had it pointed out to me many times, and it seems my mother is the only person who cant see it. im not completely sure if maybe its bc she jsut doesnt see it or bc i dont act different at home. i think its part of both. i know my attitude has changed. i know im way more helpful, and most of the time without a word from my mother. i just do it, because i know its right. i think now bc of how much negative has gone away, the few negatives that occur are way more obvious and seem so much worse. but i hate that my mom never recognizes the positive, always ripping on me. its making me more of a negative person. when she yells at me or blows up, i respond the wrong way because im so frusturated that its all i ever get from her.
so whats next? how can i take a next step at home to then be 100% the christ follower i want to be? why is home the place i keep on and keep on making mistakes? its frusturating. im ready to have it stop completely. i refreshed, i changed how i am, my bad habits. so why cant my mom do the same?
i also wanted to grow within my church more. help more, volunteer more, attend more, etc. i started going to all 3 church services, and i love it. yes, church is what i would say my "real home" is. its been like that for a long time. i know about a year and a half ago when my mom and i fought really bad, instead of walking to a friends i walked however many miles it was to my church, just to sit and pray in the sanctuary. i feel God there more than anywhere, and i feel safe. its like my shelter. i teach the small group saturday night [when we have students] help out sunday mornings and attend the services. most of the time i go to service saturday night because we rarely have students. but i decided taht on sundays during the 11 o clock when all my peers/friends show up i should go to the service, and that should be my priority. those friends dont all know if iv attended the night before, or the service before. so sitting outside during service is setting an example for him that we dont need to hear the message, even though most of the time it is a huge help to me.
in school, its been pretty easy to take on my "christ-like personality". i remember last year if someone heard i was going to be a youth pastor [which rarely happened] they would be like what no way, really?? that upset me. a lot. the fact that they couldnt see me as a pastor or had no idea i was a christ follower at all was NOT cool. its funny how much of a change there was this year. and i noticed it wasnt because of word of mouth. it was my personality that made people realize there was something else. iv been praying for that and hoping i could become that kind of disciple for Christ for a long, long time. I reach out to others; school is no longer about seeing my friends or hanging out with the people iv always hung out with. i dont hang out with any of teh same people. my circle of friends has grown tremendously just from reaching out to people i wouldnt usually talk to. and beacuse of that, people have seen a difference. i refuse to walk into school with anything less than a smile on my face, no matter how upset i am [thanks for that lesson, barsch]. iv been able to witness to people and be a light to people going through tough situations. this is what iv always wanted. sometimes, since backing away from the people who arent the greatest friends, its been hard, and sometimes even lonely. but its soo worth it, i wouldnt have it any other way.
it seems now that the only place im continuing to struggle with being christ like is in my own house. i want to set a good example for my little brothers, and have done a pretty good job doing that for chandler. my mother is always shooting darts about how i dont act like a christ follower and how i shouldnt be in leadership cause im so horrible. that always makes me so angry bc iv seen such a huge and positive change, and have had it pointed out to me many times, and it seems my mother is the only person who cant see it. im not completely sure if maybe its bc she jsut doesnt see it or bc i dont act different at home. i think its part of both. i know my attitude has changed. i know im way more helpful, and most of the time without a word from my mother. i just do it, because i know its right. i think now bc of how much negative has gone away, the few negatives that occur are way more obvious and seem so much worse. but i hate that my mom never recognizes the positive, always ripping on me. its making me more of a negative person. when she yells at me or blows up, i respond the wrong way because im so frusturated that its all i ever get from her.
so whats next? how can i take a next step at home to then be 100% the christ follower i want to be? why is home the place i keep on and keep on making mistakes? its frusturating. im ready to have it stop completely. i refreshed, i changed how i am, my bad habits. so why cant my mom do the same?
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
College
is too stressful. im thinking im going to just drop out of high school, become a plumber
ok im not that dumb
but sometimes, i wish life was that easy
applied to my top 4 colleges today
hope to hear back within this month
and ill keep you all posted
if i dont get accepted, my life is pretty much pointless and wasted and... nothing
i know, im optomistic :]
ok im not that dumb
but sometimes, i wish life was that easy
applied to my top 4 colleges today
hope to hear back within this month
and ill keep you all posted
if i dont get accepted, my life is pretty much pointless and wasted and... nothing
i know, im optomistic :]
Sunday, September 21, 2008
What do you do when
your best friend is jealous of the relationship you have with your youth pastor? when you were able to move on from a wound, but she wasnt? what do you do when you want to help your best friend but know that she is just being overly sensitive and taking non-personal things to heart? what do you say when you know the person hasnt put enough effort in, and thats why her relationship isnt as far as your own? what do you do when your best friend is angry and tells you and is frusturated with you, and you look at the situation and know its your best friends fault?
i have no idea what to say right now. im not going to agree and insult him when he hasnt done anything wrong. just because im close with him doesnt mean hes done all the work to get there. iv done a lot of it. it was me stepping up in the first place taht has got us to where we are. so how do i tel her she hasnt worked hard enough for it? its not something you just get handed? how do you nicely tell her hes not the same guy? how do you tell her she needs to mature some more, or move on, maybe put some effort in and shell get it in return?
my best friend is extremely sensitive. she can be downright cruel, and you can say a little insult and be grudged for weeks. no matter what i say, shell take it the wrong way. no matter what i do, shell take it the wrong way. so i dont know what to do. but she expects something.
crap. tim wasnt kidding. EVERYTHING is happening at the SAME FREAKING TIME.
whats next?
i have no idea what to say right now. im not going to agree and insult him when he hasnt done anything wrong. just because im close with him doesnt mean hes done all the work to get there. iv done a lot of it. it was me stepping up in the first place taht has got us to where we are. so how do i tel her she hasnt worked hard enough for it? its not something you just get handed? how do you nicely tell her hes not the same guy? how do you tell her she needs to mature some more, or move on, maybe put some effort in and shell get it in return?
my best friend is extremely sensitive. she can be downright cruel, and you can say a little insult and be grudged for weeks. no matter what i say, shell take it the wrong way. no matter what i do, shell take it the wrong way. so i dont know what to do. but she expects something.
crap. tim wasnt kidding. EVERYTHING is happening at the SAME FREAKING TIME.
whats next?
i feel so much better just TYPING this
so i started writing my 10 things i needed to tell people [i saw other people doing it, and it was making them feel better, so i figured i would try it] and i realized that posting that for the world to see would be idiotic and imature. not that everyone else doing it was... but i was really letting out personal stuff. and seeing that, i didnt realize i had so MUCH that i needed to get out. and i ended up having quite a lot. so instead of posting that in my PUBLIC [facebook, myspace] blog, i figured i would post it here. i know someday ill want to read it again, look back, maybe to see if i ever had the guts to say it to their faces. i already have a feeling a few of these will be said tho.
10. please stop saying you love me and i mean so much to you. i dont mean anything to you. all i am is an ear for you to brag on, and a shoulder for you to lean on. its irritating. maybe you could find something else to talk about? because talking about her literally everyday text after text, aim convo after aim convo is getting old. extremely fast.
9. your hilarious. i dont tell you enough how awesome you are, and that your one of my heros. i know youv been through so much yet you still believe in God and dedicate your whole life to him. you make me laugh until im crying and sore on a regular basis. it really is your spiritual gift :]
8. i think its funny how when you do things you look at me out of the corner of your eye to see my reaction. i think its funny how when im around you you try to act like you dont notice me or that i dont exist. please. your wasting your energy. but at the same time, i feel bad for you. because once i was able to completely move on, i can see that you havent. you replace the girls/best friends in your life with an exact replica. i used to wonder who i, myself, replaced. now that i see who replaced me, i could really care less.
7. you are such a great guy. i truly believe that if we fight this out long enough well be rewarded in the end. and as tough as this gets, sometimes not being able to talk to you for days, not being able to see you for weeks... i know in the end itll be worth it, especially if we can stick it out and really truly be friends for life. you are so awesome. i love you. i care about you so much. dont ever think thats not true because it is. and dont fight for your "spot". you dont need to. you will always have one, right here in my heart. always.
6. crap. i think, just maybe, my feelings are changing. im taking a step back. i hope you dont take it the wrong way, but having these kinds of emotions for you is just too dangerous. i dont want to risk it. our friendship is worth more than that. your awesome. i dont want to lose you.
5. sometimes i just want to hug you and never let go. but i cant. and im not sure why. i cant really hug you at all, somethings holding me back. and im not sure what. maybe someday ill figure it out... but for now, thank you. theres no words to express how you being there for me and challenging me and loving me has improved who i am. remember how we were talking about the huge change you saw in me at the end of the summer? yeah, thats all thanks to you.
4. i laugh so hard, listening to you talk about your "boyfriend" and your "lead role" and all your "amazing things". seriously, it makes me laugh. because you have all this surface level stuff, and you think your so cool. but in reality, you have nothing. i should probably feel bad about that. i used to. i used to sympathize, try to help you out. your too stubborn tho, you think your too good for anything. i got what i got, and i moved on, there was a reason for it. but remember hunny, that happened to you too. so stop trying to make me feel so horrible about it; im ok now! your the only one still swimming in your sorry sorrow
3. your such a chicken. wev been flirting for what, 4 years? you call all the time, we make plans, do dinner. and your still not man enough to ask me to a dance? come ON. your awesome tho, really. even tho u still hold a grudge against me for slamming your head with a locker. i swear it was an accident. i swear.
2. stay away from him. we both know waht he wants, hes only going to hurt you. nad open up. hiding your feelings, bottling everything up is only going to hurt you in the long run. im here for you. take advantage of that.
1. i was hesitant to say this earlier today. youll know who you are as soon as you read this, though really there's no point because soon ill be saying this to your face. im tired. just... tired. im tired of fighting fighting fighting for you. wev been friends for so long. sooo stinking long. and i love that. we have millions of awesome memories together. millions. you blame our fall out on me. i know its not my fault. i refuse to take all of the blame for it. i absolutely refuse. not because im stubborn or immature, but because i know it is as much your fault as it is mine. im sick of you making me feel like im the bad guy, like i have to do all this work to "earn you" back. i always thought it would be worth it, even tho i wasnt in the wrong like you made me feel like i was. even tho it was me giving giving giving and never getting anything in return. i would be with other people and you would say you needed me and i would be there in a second, without a breath in between. simply because you needed me. your never here for me tho, because you dont care. you dont feel like you need to, you dont feel like its your job. relationships are 2 way streets. im not going to let you take and take and take until im empty. and your already doing that. you act all nice to me but then you put up notes talking about how oh well you screwed up and its nice that we talk but dont want anything more than that cause its all its going to be. well im done. im done being here for you to talk to and having you be like haha tahts all you get. like im oh so graced with your conversation? no. you left me. for a guy. you did. you act like im so horrible when you did the same thing. i guess you could say its karma, huh? itll end up for you just like it did for me. it already is. so bear yourself for it, you know how hard it was for me. itll be interesting to see how you handle it. so im backing up. im not going to cut you off, hate you, be like omg shes such a horrible person. no. because i dont feel like that. i feel like you are an immature girl who cares about nothing but herself and what she wants. and honestly, tahts expected of us teenagers. but now that iv grown up, thats not the type of person i want to be best friends with. we can be on nice terms, we can even talk. but im not here for yo uanymore; you can count that gone. your no longer a main priority; your no longer a priority at all. your just there, in the distance, in the shadow. just like all the other "friends" who were in it for themselves, all the other "friends" i gave up on...
10. please stop saying you love me and i mean so much to you. i dont mean anything to you. all i am is an ear for you to brag on, and a shoulder for you to lean on. its irritating. maybe you could find something else to talk about? because talking about her literally everyday text after text, aim convo after aim convo is getting old. extremely fast.
9. your hilarious. i dont tell you enough how awesome you are, and that your one of my heros. i know youv been through so much yet you still believe in God and dedicate your whole life to him. you make me laugh until im crying and sore on a regular basis. it really is your spiritual gift :]
8. i think its funny how when you do things you look at me out of the corner of your eye to see my reaction. i think its funny how when im around you you try to act like you dont notice me or that i dont exist. please. your wasting your energy. but at the same time, i feel bad for you. because once i was able to completely move on, i can see that you havent. you replace the girls/best friends in your life with an exact replica. i used to wonder who i, myself, replaced. now that i see who replaced me, i could really care less.
7. you are such a great guy. i truly believe that if we fight this out long enough well be rewarded in the end. and as tough as this gets, sometimes not being able to talk to you for days, not being able to see you for weeks... i know in the end itll be worth it, especially if we can stick it out and really truly be friends for life. you are so awesome. i love you. i care about you so much. dont ever think thats not true because it is. and dont fight for your "spot". you dont need to. you will always have one, right here in my heart. always.
6. crap. i think, just maybe, my feelings are changing. im taking a step back. i hope you dont take it the wrong way, but having these kinds of emotions for you is just too dangerous. i dont want to risk it. our friendship is worth more than that. your awesome. i dont want to lose you.
5. sometimes i just want to hug you and never let go. but i cant. and im not sure why. i cant really hug you at all, somethings holding me back. and im not sure what. maybe someday ill figure it out... but for now, thank you. theres no words to express how you being there for me and challenging me and loving me has improved who i am. remember how we were talking about the huge change you saw in me at the end of the summer? yeah, thats all thanks to you.
4. i laugh so hard, listening to you talk about your "boyfriend" and your "lead role" and all your "amazing things". seriously, it makes me laugh. because you have all this surface level stuff, and you think your so cool. but in reality, you have nothing. i should probably feel bad about that. i used to. i used to sympathize, try to help you out. your too stubborn tho, you think your too good for anything. i got what i got, and i moved on, there was a reason for it. but remember hunny, that happened to you too. so stop trying to make me feel so horrible about it; im ok now! your the only one still swimming in your sorry sorrow
3. your such a chicken. wev been flirting for what, 4 years? you call all the time, we make plans, do dinner. and your still not man enough to ask me to a dance? come ON. your awesome tho, really. even tho u still hold a grudge against me for slamming your head with a locker. i swear it was an accident. i swear.
2. stay away from him. we both know waht he wants, hes only going to hurt you. nad open up. hiding your feelings, bottling everything up is only going to hurt you in the long run. im here for you. take advantage of that.
1. i was hesitant to say this earlier today. youll know who you are as soon as you read this, though really there's no point because soon ill be saying this to your face. im tired. just... tired. im tired of fighting fighting fighting for you. wev been friends for so long. sooo stinking long. and i love that. we have millions of awesome memories together. millions. you blame our fall out on me. i know its not my fault. i refuse to take all of the blame for it. i absolutely refuse. not because im stubborn or immature, but because i know it is as much your fault as it is mine. im sick of you making me feel like im the bad guy, like i have to do all this work to "earn you" back. i always thought it would be worth it, even tho i wasnt in the wrong like you made me feel like i was. even tho it was me giving giving giving and never getting anything in return. i would be with other people and you would say you needed me and i would be there in a second, without a breath in between. simply because you needed me. your never here for me tho, because you dont care. you dont feel like you need to, you dont feel like its your job. relationships are 2 way streets. im not going to let you take and take and take until im empty. and your already doing that. you act all nice to me but then you put up notes talking about how oh well you screwed up and its nice that we talk but dont want anything more than that cause its all its going to be. well im done. im done being here for you to talk to and having you be like haha tahts all you get. like im oh so graced with your conversation? no. you left me. for a guy. you did. you act like im so horrible when you did the same thing. i guess you could say its karma, huh? itll end up for you just like it did for me. it already is. so bear yourself for it, you know how hard it was for me. itll be interesting to see how you handle it. so im backing up. im not going to cut you off, hate you, be like omg shes such a horrible person. no. because i dont feel like that. i feel like you are an immature girl who cares about nothing but herself and what she wants. and honestly, tahts expected of us teenagers. but now that iv grown up, thats not the type of person i want to be best friends with. we can be on nice terms, we can even talk. but im not here for yo uanymore; you can count that gone. your no longer a main priority; your no longer a priority at all. your just there, in the distance, in the shadow. just like all the other "friends" who were in it for themselves, all the other "friends" i gave up on...
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
As rissa would say... me mo me mo me
I have been fine living in denial of this, avoiding the worst possible circumstances. Now that it may be life threatening and symptoms are getting worse, im getting irritated. i dont see why i cant just go on like i have been, ignoring and sucking it up. ok i do see why, but i dont want to. i find it really unfair.
as matt is saying, maybe im the virgin erin. sadly that is the more positive of the 2 outcomes i have to chose from.
this sucks.
as matt is saying, maybe im the virgin erin. sadly that is the more positive of the 2 outcomes i have to chose from.
this sucks.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Pondering
I am trying to decide what, exactly, I want to happen in my internship with Tim. I know for a fact I want to do a lot more. a LOT more. My little leading on Saturday nights and talking to a few parents and getting to know some students feels like nothing. I want to have TONS of stuff to do. I want to be involved to the point where I can't get involved anymore without going crazy. Though there's nothing wrong about being a little crazy ;]
I want to REALLY lead a small group. I've thoroughly enjoyed leading Saturday nights, but rarely having students is a little frustrating. I want to lead a small group that actually has STUDENTS in it. like at camp. that was a good experience for me, and definitely a learning one. and I also learned a lot at KSU. i feel like im ready to actually be able to run a group of students. probably not a huge one [dont want to dive in head first]. But whoever they need a leader for, im in. thats something I will probably do after i graduate from high school right away anyway, so I need some more practice. and its a big part of going into ministry.
i also want to get more in leadership team wise. its like what tim told me today. I am extremely excited to have my own "team" now. Obviously I have to find the people and get stuff organized, but I am so excited for the challenge. Talking people into things and getting people to join stuff with me isnt difficult, so im thinking it will be pretty easy. but keeping a schedule, making sure we always have enough people, and thinking of good ideas for welcome will be a challenge. and im so excited for it! I love helping out, but the easy jobs iv been getting are, well, a little too easy.
i want to be challenged more. i want tim to push me to the point where im actually having to spend time on stuff, maybe even sweat a bit. i LOVE challenges. i LOVE difficult situations, because i know no matter what there is a way. as much as it doesnt seem like it, i love having to FIND the answers. im not one who likes having them given to me. yes, i could use some help or advice, but I would rather work for it. i just want more to do, more things that arent simple or like little nothings that take about a minute. the challenge tim gave me tonight about finding a certain way to welcome for each series is something thats going to take a little more deep thought. and im GLAD. i WANT a challenge. so im extremely excited about this. [thats also why i love my yearbook class so much. tons of deadlines, tons of big projects, having to find people in less than 24 hours, etc. and i TOTALLY thrive that way]
i work best under pressure. i guess im just ready for some pressure. i guess its just the challenge thing. i want to be challenged in projects, doing certain things for students, idk, anything. any kind of challenges would do.
definitely one of the biggest things i wanted was to get a real responsibility. and the welcoming team is exactly that. so goal #1 has officially been achieved; getting the opportunity to get a team together. now i just have to find my team...
oh man, i love stuco. i love tim. i love ministry. i love all of this. my future is so stinking exciting. this year is going to be amazing, i can feel it. im so blessed to have such amazing people to lead me and work with. soo stinking blessed.
I want to REALLY lead a small group. I've thoroughly enjoyed leading Saturday nights, but rarely having students is a little frustrating. I want to lead a small group that actually has STUDENTS in it. like at camp. that was a good experience for me, and definitely a learning one. and I also learned a lot at KSU. i feel like im ready to actually be able to run a group of students. probably not a huge one [dont want to dive in head first]. But whoever they need a leader for, im in. thats something I will probably do after i graduate from high school right away anyway, so I need some more practice. and its a big part of going into ministry.
i also want to get more in leadership team wise. its like what tim told me today. I am extremely excited to have my own "team" now. Obviously I have to find the people and get stuff organized, but I am so excited for the challenge. Talking people into things and getting people to join stuff with me isnt difficult, so im thinking it will be pretty easy. but keeping a schedule, making sure we always have enough people, and thinking of good ideas for welcome will be a challenge. and im so excited for it! I love helping out, but the easy jobs iv been getting are, well, a little too easy.
i want to be challenged more. i want tim to push me to the point where im actually having to spend time on stuff, maybe even sweat a bit. i LOVE challenges. i LOVE difficult situations, because i know no matter what there is a way. as much as it doesnt seem like it, i love having to FIND the answers. im not one who likes having them given to me. yes, i could use some help or advice, but I would rather work for it. i just want more to do, more things that arent simple or like little nothings that take about a minute. the challenge tim gave me tonight about finding a certain way to welcome for each series is something thats going to take a little more deep thought. and im GLAD. i WANT a challenge. so im extremely excited about this. [thats also why i love my yearbook class so much. tons of deadlines, tons of big projects, having to find people in less than 24 hours, etc. and i TOTALLY thrive that way]
i work best under pressure. i guess im just ready for some pressure. i guess its just the challenge thing. i want to be challenged in projects, doing certain things for students, idk, anything. any kind of challenges would do.
definitely one of the biggest things i wanted was to get a real responsibility. and the welcoming team is exactly that. so goal #1 has officially been achieved; getting the opportunity to get a team together. now i just have to find my team...
oh man, i love stuco. i love tim. i love ministry. i love all of this. my future is so stinking exciting. this year is going to be amazing, i can feel it. im so blessed to have such amazing people to lead me and work with. soo stinking blessed.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Eye opener
I woke up this morning and picked up the newspaper [yes I actually read it!] and the very first thing that caught me eye; "A better world within our reach?"
I went on to read about McCain and the changes he wants and I was quite pleased with a lot of things he said. But the heading is still the thing that stood out the most to me. A better world within our reach? I was thinking about it, and I realize WHY it's a question, but frankly I don't think it should be. It's not a question; it's a fact. A better world IS IN our reach. All we have to do is help some change. I'm sure everyone has heard the phrase "if you want to change the world start with yourself" and really that's what we need to do. We all look forward to a new president that will help improve the world, but what about what we can do? It's not like we're helpless. And there's so much we CAN do. So why don't we?
Last night at church we had church 2.0 and we got to look at goals and campuses and just overall achievements, and it was so inspiring for me. I'm already extremely involved in stuco, but i could do so much more. For example, triple threat. I have wanted to get involved with that since day 1, and for some reason, i just never have. I don't even have an excuse, i just havent done it. well its time to change THAT, for one thing. But theres so much i can do not only within my church but in my school and my community. and I want to do it. I really feel God moving in me to reach out more to people around me, not only the kids that go or i invite to stuco.
time to step up, eh?
I went on to read about McCain and the changes he wants and I was quite pleased with a lot of things he said. But the heading is still the thing that stood out the most to me. A better world within our reach? I was thinking about it, and I realize WHY it's a question, but frankly I don't think it should be. It's not a question; it's a fact. A better world IS IN our reach. All we have to do is help some change. I'm sure everyone has heard the phrase "if you want to change the world start with yourself" and really that's what we need to do. We all look forward to a new president that will help improve the world, but what about what we can do? It's not like we're helpless. And there's so much we CAN do. So why don't we?
Last night at church we had church 2.0 and we got to look at goals and campuses and just overall achievements, and it was so inspiring for me. I'm already extremely involved in stuco, but i could do so much more. For example, triple threat. I have wanted to get involved with that since day 1, and for some reason, i just never have. I don't even have an excuse, i just havent done it. well its time to change THAT, for one thing. But theres so much i can do not only within my church but in my school and my community. and I want to do it. I really feel God moving in me to reach out more to people around me, not only the kids that go or i invite to stuco.
time to step up, eh?
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
what do you do
when you suddenly get depressed, and cant put your finger on exactly why?
hmm. and i thought i was doing so well... ?
im not sure what happened
i didnt lose any faith, i dont think i lost hope
just really suddenly... i dont feel happy all the time. i dont feel like myself.
crap. stupid stupid stupid....
hmm. and i thought i was doing so well... ?
im not sure what happened
i didnt lose any faith, i dont think i lost hope
just really suddenly... i dont feel happy all the time. i dont feel like myself.
crap. stupid stupid stupid....
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