erin is gone

i have been completely emptied tonight. i no longer have the strength or the will power to fight my mother. im not winning, things are only getting worse. im pretty much shut off at this point, which has its positives and negatives. positives are, if im shut off, my emotions pretty much are too. which means i wont fight my mom or get angry or make her want to extend my punishment, so i should be back in stuco by next week. negatives are that mine and my moms relationship improving in anyway is pretty much not going to happen. at least until i get... well, for lack of a better term, "turned back on".

i told my mom im done taking on her responsibilities. im done being the mother to my brothers because for one it is too much for me to handle. and its also ruining my relationship with them. and its not worth it. so im done. and i told her i wasnt doing it anymore and she of course denied i ever had to. so i walked out. and im sure shell see the change. im not going to give them ANY kind of instruction. im done. im done parenting for her. homework, chores, bed time, punishments, etc. im done. and shes going to feel this load as soon as shes home for more than an hour or two. maybe she just needs to use her head and realize everything iv been doing for her. im sick of her. im sick of this. im sick of living here.

i have 7 months and 2 weeks until i turn 18. my goal is to have the money to get my own place. if i dont have it then, i will have a car, and if i have to move in with someone else [last resort, my father] until i can get the money to move on my own, i will. im going to try and find a responsible friend who is also going to waubonsee, and maybe we can rent together. but im not going to rent with someone who will not pay and screw ME over. so well see how that goes. i graduate the week after that anyway, so getting to school wont be a problem anymore

7 months and 2 weeks. im dead set on this. 18. freedom. finally. i cant be here anymore. i wont let her ruin me. i absolutely refuse. iv improved so much and gotten so far. im not going to let her put me back where i was. theres no way. iv worked too hard, changed too much. im not going to let her ruin that.