as im going through this intership one of my main goals is to be a christ follower in all aspects of my life. school, church, youth group, home, etc. you would think it would be easy to do in church and youth group, but its actually some work, and something i am still working on. im trying to be the best person i can be as well as the best example. in stuco, iv already made the changes i felt very strongly about. most of that was the reason i was going to stuco in the first place. for a lot of people its kind of like a social club. it was for me last year. now i go to stuco more as a leader, not so much as a student. but i know i need to pay attention, and be an example for all the other students im with. i no longer go to hang out with friends; i go to hear the message and make stuco a more welcoming place for new and even some old students. if i had continued to go for my own reasons, stuco would continue to be a hang out with my own little "clique", which shrinks the experience i can get from it. changing from the small focus to the big focus has helped me get so much more out of this already-awesome youth group. i feel myself growing as a student and a leader, and definitely in positive ways.
i also wanted to grow within my church more. help more, volunteer more, attend more, etc. i started going to all 3 church services, and i love it. yes, church is what i would say my "real home" is. its been like that for a long time. i know about a year and a half ago when my mom and i fought really bad, instead of walking to a friends i walked however many miles it was to my church, just to sit and pray in the sanctuary. i feel God there more than anywhere, and i feel safe. its like my shelter. i teach the small group saturday night [when we have students] help out sunday mornings and attend the services. most of the time i go to service saturday night because we rarely have students. but i decided taht on sundays during the 11 o clock when all my peers/friends show up i should go to the service, and that should be my priority. those friends dont all know if iv attended the night before, or the service before. so sitting outside during service is setting an example for him that we dont need to hear the message, even though most of the time it is a huge help to me.
in school, its been pretty easy to take on my "christ-like personality". i remember last year if someone heard i was going to be a youth pastor [which rarely happened] they would be like what no way, really?? that upset me. a lot. the fact that they couldnt see me as a pastor or had no idea i was a christ follower at all was NOT cool. its funny how much of a change there was this year. and i noticed it wasnt because of word of mouth. it was my personality that made people realize there was something else. iv been praying for that and hoping i could become that kind of disciple for Christ for a long, long time. I reach out to others; school is no longer about seeing my friends or hanging out with the people iv always hung out with. i dont hang out with any of teh same people. my circle of friends has grown tremendously just from reaching out to people i wouldnt usually talk to. and beacuse of that, people have seen a difference. i refuse to walk into school with anything less than a smile on my face, no matter how upset i am [thanks for that lesson, barsch]. iv been able to witness to people and be a light to people going through tough situations. this is what iv always wanted. sometimes, since backing away from the people who arent the greatest friends, its been hard, and sometimes even lonely. but its soo worth it, i wouldnt have it any other way.
it seems now that the only place im continuing to struggle with being christ like is in my own house. i want to set a good example for my little brothers, and have done a pretty good job doing that for chandler. my mother is always shooting darts about how i dont act like a christ follower and how i shouldnt be in leadership cause im so horrible. that always makes me so angry bc iv seen such a huge and positive change, and have had it pointed out to me many times, and it seems my mother is the only person who cant see it. im not completely sure if maybe its bc she jsut doesnt see it or bc i dont act different at home. i think its part of both. i know my attitude has changed. i know im way more helpful, and most of the time without a word from my mother. i just do it, because i know its right. i think now bc of how much negative has gone away, the few negatives that occur are way more obvious and seem so much worse. but i hate that my mom never recognizes the positive, always ripping on me. its making me more of a negative person. when she yells at me or blows up, i respond the wrong way because im so frusturated that its all i ever get from her.
so whats next? how can i take a next step at home to then be 100% the christ follower i want to be? why is home the place i keep on and keep on making mistakes? its frusturating. im ready to have it stop completely. i refreshed, i changed how i am, my bad habits. so why cant my mom do the same?
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