so i started writing my 10 things i needed to tell people [i saw other people doing it, and it was making them feel better, so i figured i would try it] and i realized that posting that for the world to see would be idiotic and imature. not that everyone else doing it was... but i was really letting out personal stuff. and seeing that, i didnt realize i had so MUCH that i needed to get out. and i ended up having quite a lot. so instead of posting that in my PUBLIC [facebook, myspace] blog, i figured i would post it here. i know someday ill want to read it again, look back, maybe to see if i ever had the guts to say it to their faces. i already have a feeling a few of these will be said tho.
10. please stop saying you love me and i mean so much to you. i dont mean anything to you. all i am is an ear for you to brag on, and a shoulder for you to lean on. its irritating. maybe you could find something else to talk about? because talking about her literally everyday text after text, aim convo after aim convo is getting old. extremely fast.
9. your hilarious. i dont tell you enough how awesome you are, and that your one of my heros. i know youv been through so much yet you still believe in God and dedicate your whole life to him. you make me laugh until im crying and sore on a regular basis. it really is your spiritual gift :]
8. i think its funny how when you do things you look at me out of the corner of your eye to see my reaction. i think its funny how when im around you you try to act like you dont notice me or that i dont exist. please. your wasting your energy. but at the same time, i feel bad for you. because once i was able to completely move on, i can see that you havent. you replace the girls/best friends in your life with an exact replica. i used to wonder who i, myself, replaced. now that i see who replaced me, i could really care less.
7. you are such a great guy. i truly believe that if we fight this out long enough well be rewarded in the end. and as tough as this gets, sometimes not being able to talk to you for days, not being able to see you for weeks... i know in the end itll be worth it, especially if we can stick it out and really truly be friends for life. you are so awesome. i love you. i care about you so much. dont ever think thats not true because it is. and dont fight for your "spot". you dont need to. you will always have one, right here in my heart. always.
6. crap. i think, just maybe, my feelings are changing. im taking a step back. i hope you dont take it the wrong way, but having these kinds of emotions for you is just too dangerous. i dont want to risk it. our friendship is worth more than that. your awesome. i dont want to lose you.
5. sometimes i just want to hug you and never let go. but i cant. and im not sure why. i cant really hug you at all, somethings holding me back. and im not sure what. maybe someday ill figure it out... but for now, thank you. theres no words to express how you being there for me and challenging me and loving me has improved who i am. remember how we were talking about the huge change you saw in me at the end of the summer? yeah, thats all thanks to you.
4. i laugh so hard, listening to you talk about your "boyfriend" and your "lead role" and all your "amazing things". seriously, it makes me laugh. because you have all this surface level stuff, and you think your so cool. but in reality, you have nothing. i should probably feel bad about that. i used to. i used to sympathize, try to help you out. your too stubborn tho, you think your too good for anything. i got what i got, and i moved on, there was a reason for it. but remember hunny, that happened to you too. so stop trying to make me feel so horrible about it; im ok now! your the only one still swimming in your sorry sorrow
3. your such a chicken. wev been flirting for what, 4 years? you call all the time, we make plans, do dinner. and your still not man enough to ask me to a dance? come ON. your awesome tho, really. even tho u still hold a grudge against me for slamming your head with a locker. i swear it was an accident. i swear.
2. stay away from him. we both know waht he wants, hes only going to hurt you. nad open up. hiding your feelings, bottling everything up is only going to hurt you in the long run. im here for you. take advantage of that.
1. i was hesitant to say this earlier today. youll know who you are as soon as you read this, though really there's no point because soon ill be saying this to your face. im tired. just... tired. im tired of fighting fighting fighting for you. wev been friends for so long. sooo stinking long. and i love that. we have millions of awesome memories together. millions. you blame our fall out on me. i know its not my fault. i refuse to take all of the blame for it. i absolutely refuse. not because im stubborn or immature, but because i know it is as much your fault as it is mine. im sick of you making me feel like im the bad guy, like i have to do all this work to "earn you" back. i always thought it would be worth it, even tho i wasnt in the wrong like you made me feel like i was. even tho it was me giving giving giving and never getting anything in return. i would be with other people and you would say you needed me and i would be there in a second, without a breath in between. simply because you needed me. your never here for me tho, because you dont care. you dont feel like you need to, you dont feel like its your job. relationships are 2 way streets. im not going to let you take and take and take until im empty. and your already doing that. you act all nice to me but then you put up notes talking about how oh well you screwed up and its nice that we talk but dont want anything more than that cause its all its going to be. well im done. im done being here for you to talk to and having you be like haha tahts all you get. like im oh so graced with your conversation? no. you left me. for a guy. you did. you act like im so horrible when you did the same thing. i guess you could say its karma, huh? itll end up for you just like it did for me. it already is. so bear yourself for it, you know how hard it was for me. itll be interesting to see how you handle it. so im backing up. im not going to cut you off, hate you, be like omg shes such a horrible person. no. because i dont feel like that. i feel like you are an immature girl who cares about nothing but herself and what she wants. and honestly, tahts expected of us teenagers. but now that iv grown up, thats not the type of person i want to be best friends with. we can be on nice terms, we can even talk. but im not here for yo uanymore; you can count that gone. your no longer a main priority; your no longer a priority at all. your just there, in the distance, in the shadow. just like all the other "friends" who were in it for themselves, all the other "friends" i gave up on...
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