Those who meet me would most likely say I am an independent woman. I declare that men are ignorant and that I will not be married; I am outspoken; I am confident in who I am, especially who I am as a woman; I like the idea of taking care of myself, I don't like accepting help; I'm diving head first into a team of all men, not worried one bit about the fact that we aren't alike, not worried that I can't measure up. I have not always been the most independent person. I was, until Jared. And then once again after Jared, just to a much stronger extreme.
I have never thought of independence as a bad thing. I could take care of myself, I didn't need anyone, didn't need to lean on anyone.
Wrong.
During teaching team this week, our entire talk and message we were working on was about the idea of depending on God. That was the first time this week God really laid that on my heart, and again tonight at StuCo we talked about not being able to do this alone.
As independent as I feel I am, I still have needs. I need someone to comfort me when I am feeling down. I need someone I can turn to when something goes wrong. I need someone to set me straight sometimes, to be a shoulder to cry on... I need help. And not in the mental state, though that could be argued. I need help in life. I can't do this on my own. But at the same time, it's not the people here on earth I need to be depending on. It's God. God is my peace, God is my salvation, God is my rescue, God is my comfort, God is my security, God is my everything. I must depend on God.
Something that has been a constant fear in my life for almost a year now is where I would live. I am always worrying about it, always wondering what my next step is. But as I look back, I see that God has always provided a place for me. God has always been there, even the nights I didn't think I had a bed to sleep in. God has always been there for me, He has not let me down. I realize that I may not get the results I want. I may not get the answer I am looking for, especially when I am looking for it. I may never get an exact answer. But the fact of the matter is that God has me in His hands, and I am safe, I am protected, and I am loved. God will not let me down, my expectations might be let down, but that's my fault for wanting results. My God never fails. My God will never leave me. My God loves me, so completely and unconditionally that it blows my mind.
I can't do this alone, and I can't do it myself. I need people to help me, and I need my God to take control.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Sunday, January 10, 2010
I am grateful
I am grateful for a God who is there when I feel like no one else is. I am grateful for a God who makes me feel like I'm a treasure when everyone else is making me feel quite the opposite. I am grateful for a God who tells me I am loved and welcome when I know I wouldn't feel it otherwise.
I really dislike knowing what to do, or knowing what to say. I really dislike knowing that people aren't 100% pleased. Those people being people close to me. I really dislike feeling terrible.
Lead me to the cross, where Your love poured out... I wish I could give other people that kind of love, give what I receive. But at the same time, I'm selfish, and wish I received it from more places.
I don't like things feeling so out of place. I don't like things feeling... not-okay.
I feel like I have been saying this a lot lately, but I really wish life was easier. So much easier.
I really dislike knowing what to do, or knowing what to say. I really dislike knowing that people aren't 100% pleased. Those people being people close to me. I really dislike feeling terrible.
Lead me to the cross, where Your love poured out... I wish I could give other people that kind of love, give what I receive. But at the same time, I'm selfish, and wish I received it from more places.
I don't like things feeling so out of place. I don't like things feeling... not-okay.
I feel like I have been saying this a lot lately, but I really wish life was easier. So much easier.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Blessings and the curse
It's strange how comforting blogging can be. I can't say I ever expected it to be like that. It's like I can say whatever I want, whenever I want, and for some reason it is nice to just know it's been said, it's out there. Talking to no one is actually kind of nice. Also never expected to say that.
When I start wishing life would be easier, I can't help but think about those I have met who have it even harder than I do. Friends who have had parents die, siblings commit suicide, or die of cancer. Those I met in New Orleans who literally have no home, who live in the few "buildings" left after the hurricane. Those kids who have to wear the same shirt to school multiple days in one week because it's all they have. The girls who lived in the dome, being abused and harassed by men of all ages. Those who have to eat cold uncooked noodles because they have nothing else. I think about my friends with alcoholic parents, or friends whose parents just up and disappeared. Who am I to complain when I know people who have and are going through all of this?
It's nice to know I have a God who doesn't think my problems are nothing simply because others have problems that are worse. He tells us to cast our anxieties on Him... to cry out to Him, to turn to Him when we are in need. Well, right now, I don't know what to do. I'm eighteen years old and need wisdom of an eighty year old. Which I definitely do NOT have. The one person I can talk to about this can't give me any kind of verbal response, and I am struggling to hear what He is trying to say to me about it.
During my bible study today I was reading many of Christ's parables in Matthew, and commented on our discussion that I can't wait to just sit with Jesus and listen to Him tell stories, listen to Him talk to me. I want that more and more everyday, to be with the One who loves me more than anyone ever does or ever could, and just LISTEN, just be in His presence, be surrounded with the greatness of who He is. The love I feel from Him now will only be intensified, and to feel that kind of love has to be absolutely amazing.
Funny how my blogs have almost become letters to my heavenly Father, just written in story form... I know He cares, I know He reads them, I know He loves me. And sometimes that's the most comforting thing I can think about.
When I start wishing life would be easier, I can't help but think about those I have met who have it even harder than I do. Friends who have had parents die, siblings commit suicide, or die of cancer. Those I met in New Orleans who literally have no home, who live in the few "buildings" left after the hurricane. Those kids who have to wear the same shirt to school multiple days in one week because it's all they have. The girls who lived in the dome, being abused and harassed by men of all ages. Those who have to eat cold uncooked noodles because they have nothing else. I think about my friends with alcoholic parents, or friends whose parents just up and disappeared. Who am I to complain when I know people who have and are going through all of this?
It's nice to know I have a God who doesn't think my problems are nothing simply because others have problems that are worse. He tells us to cast our anxieties on Him... to cry out to Him, to turn to Him when we are in need. Well, right now, I don't know what to do. I'm eighteen years old and need wisdom of an eighty year old. Which I definitely do NOT have. The one person I can talk to about this can't give me any kind of verbal response, and I am struggling to hear what He is trying to say to me about it.
During my bible study today I was reading many of Christ's parables in Matthew, and commented on our discussion that I can't wait to just sit with Jesus and listen to Him tell stories, listen to Him talk to me. I want that more and more everyday, to be with the One who loves me more than anyone ever does or ever could, and just LISTEN, just be in His presence, be surrounded with the greatness of who He is. The love I feel from Him now will only be intensified, and to feel that kind of love has to be absolutely amazing.
Funny how my blogs have almost become letters to my heavenly Father, just written in story form... I know He cares, I know He reads them, I know He loves me. And sometimes that's the most comforting thing I can think about.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
2009
It's hard to sum up this year for me. Lots of heartache, lots of blessings, lot's of amazing memories, lots of painful ones.
One of the first things was the loss of Amber Jean. I can't believe she's been gone for almost ten months. My life has been permanently shaken by her death. My heart aches just thinking about it, knowing that there were opportunities I could have taken that might have helped, and I didn't do it. I have lost many people so far in my lifetime, but this was the first one that truly hit me and made me change how I live. I still want to become a better friend and a more loving person, and a huge part of this is because of her. I never want to have another loved one miserable enough to start doing anything that can put their life at risk. I think about Amber Jean everyday, miss her so much, and really truly love the person she was. I will always remember her. 3.22.09
Blast this year, great as every other year. The last year as a student on the trip, last year with Alex, Krystal, Megan, and our amazing leader Charissa. Definitely went out with a bang. First year Jess and Jordan came! Between the messages, small group time, our personal hours of worship, and the "compliment circle", that trip absolutely touched my heart. Will always be one of my favorite memories of our small group.
Moving out of my house... finding a home that will help me grow and will challenge me while loving me for who I am. Getting through my last semester of high school. Finally graduating high school.
My best friend was also a huge blessing of this year. Jenna and I have known each other for a few years, but just became close this year. And she is one of the best things that has happened to me. To have a friend who makes you laugh more than anyone, can always cheer you up, that you can always talk to, that you can cry with, that you can share amazing memories with, that will hold you accountable, that will grow spiritually with you, that will grow relationally with you, that will encourage you, that will beat you up if needed, that will stay with you when you're sick... it is hard to find friends as amazing as Jenna is. I have been blessed with so many amazing friends, but none that will ever top Jenna. She is not just my best friend, she is a sister, and someone I love with all of my heart! She has helped me through so much, and most of my favorite memories from this year include her. I am so grateful for such an amazing person.
The internship with Tim was yet another blessing. I was challenged and my passion for ministry grew even more, which I thought was impossible. Started improving writing skills, working skills, leadership skills... I still have so much more growing to do, but thanks to my church, I have the opportunies to do that.
My many late nights with my girls... Jenna, Krystal, Nernin, Megan, Nicky, Kylee... you girls mean the world to me. Between Chicago, bonfires, roadtrips, and everything else we did, you guys helped my summer be the absolute best. I love you guys!
Trying to cut school with Nernin... just one of my favorite memories lol. OHHH nernin. I love you.
Wisconsin with Anaka and Megan. One of my favorite weekends of the summer. Driving hours with 2 of my favorite people on the planet, blasting ridiculously loud music in my ridiculously small car, lots of that ball bar game, staying up late and talking, cheese curds... a great weekend for sure.
New Orleans. That's another thing that is constantly on my mind. It was my first real mission trip, spending a week in N.O. fixing up houses, playing with less fortunate children, and building relationships. I would go back in a heartbeat. I've always known that serving people in need was one of my passions, but that trip really confirmed it. I want to serve people for the rest of my life, as much as I can. I have become much more of a servant thanks to that trip in my everyday life, and want to continue to be a servant to everyone I come in contact with.
Junior High Camp was also a great trip this year. Co-leading with the fantastic Jenna Parham was an AWESOME experience. And both of us being able to baptize Kelsea together, the first time I ever baptized a student, was a very cool experience. Lots of fun with all the girls, lots of growth, in me, Jenna, and the students. One of my top weeks of the entire year.
SAUFFSBB. What. a. weekend. First time I really got to know anyone I would be going to college with. And it was crazy fun. Lots of talking, lots of laughter, lots of singing, lots of bonding. What a great idea, what great people, and what a great tradition to start! already excited for the next one to come!
Starting college. This is one I really can't write everything about, or it will take pages. Starting over somewhere new, not knowing anyone, leaving my loved ones hours away. Was one of the most difficult things I have ever done, but also one of the smartest. I can't even tell you how many times I would call home, sobbing and begging to just go home. And yet, here I am, 1 semester down, loving it, and definitely not leaving anytime soon. It was hard to leave everyone at home, but I made so many fantastic friends that are already becoming like family to me. People I spend most of my days with, eat with, talk with, hang out with, pretty much live with. I love my family at school! Definitely makes it easier to be away from home when you have family in both places! My CORE family means the world to me, and I love them with all of my heart. My ministry major friends are also such a great influence, and great friends. My co-leader and all the girls who were in my small group are also some of my very loved family. and of course everyone from SAUFFSBB. my roommate, who is definitely JUST like a sister! I am blessed with lots of great friends.
2009 has been a rocky but fantastic year. But it was only the step below 2010. I am so ready to make this year even better than the last. I am going to continue to grow and become a better person, the person God wants me to be. If I can grow this much in 2009, how much could I grow in 2010? I definitely love a good challenge, and this is going to be a great one.
One of the first things was the loss of Amber Jean. I can't believe she's been gone for almost ten months. My life has been permanently shaken by her death. My heart aches just thinking about it, knowing that there were opportunities I could have taken that might have helped, and I didn't do it. I have lost many people so far in my lifetime, but this was the first one that truly hit me and made me change how I live. I still want to become a better friend and a more loving person, and a huge part of this is because of her. I never want to have another loved one miserable enough to start doing anything that can put their life at risk. I think about Amber Jean everyday, miss her so much, and really truly love the person she was. I will always remember her. 3.22.09
Blast this year, great as every other year. The last year as a student on the trip, last year with Alex, Krystal, Megan, and our amazing leader Charissa. Definitely went out with a bang. First year Jess and Jordan came! Between the messages, small group time, our personal hours of worship, and the "compliment circle", that trip absolutely touched my heart. Will always be one of my favorite memories of our small group.
Moving out of my house... finding a home that will help me grow and will challenge me while loving me for who I am. Getting through my last semester of high school. Finally graduating high school.
My best friend was also a huge blessing of this year. Jenna and I have known each other for a few years, but just became close this year. And she is one of the best things that has happened to me. To have a friend who makes you laugh more than anyone, can always cheer you up, that you can always talk to, that you can cry with, that you can share amazing memories with, that will hold you accountable, that will grow spiritually with you, that will grow relationally with you, that will encourage you, that will beat you up if needed, that will stay with you when you're sick... it is hard to find friends as amazing as Jenna is. I have been blessed with so many amazing friends, but none that will ever top Jenna. She is not just my best friend, she is a sister, and someone I love with all of my heart! She has helped me through so much, and most of my favorite memories from this year include her. I am so grateful for such an amazing person.
The internship with Tim was yet another blessing. I was challenged and my passion for ministry grew even more, which I thought was impossible. Started improving writing skills, working skills, leadership skills... I still have so much more growing to do, but thanks to my church, I have the opportunies to do that.
My many late nights with my girls... Jenna, Krystal, Nernin, Megan, Nicky, Kylee... you girls mean the world to me. Between Chicago, bonfires, roadtrips, and everything else we did, you guys helped my summer be the absolute best. I love you guys!
Trying to cut school with Nernin... just one of my favorite memories lol. OHHH nernin. I love you.
Wisconsin with Anaka and Megan. One of my favorite weekends of the summer. Driving hours with 2 of my favorite people on the planet, blasting ridiculously loud music in my ridiculously small car, lots of that ball bar game, staying up late and talking, cheese curds... a great weekend for sure.
New Orleans. That's another thing that is constantly on my mind. It was my first real mission trip, spending a week in N.O. fixing up houses, playing with less fortunate children, and building relationships. I would go back in a heartbeat. I've always known that serving people in need was one of my passions, but that trip really confirmed it. I want to serve people for the rest of my life, as much as I can. I have become much more of a servant thanks to that trip in my everyday life, and want to continue to be a servant to everyone I come in contact with.
Junior High Camp was also a great trip this year. Co-leading with the fantastic Jenna Parham was an AWESOME experience. And both of us being able to baptize Kelsea together, the first time I ever baptized a student, was a very cool experience. Lots of fun with all the girls, lots of growth, in me, Jenna, and the students. One of my top weeks of the entire year.
SAUFFSBB. What. a. weekend. First time I really got to know anyone I would be going to college with. And it was crazy fun. Lots of talking, lots of laughter, lots of singing, lots of bonding. What a great idea, what great people, and what a great tradition to start! already excited for the next one to come!
Starting college. This is one I really can't write everything about, or it will take pages. Starting over somewhere new, not knowing anyone, leaving my loved ones hours away. Was one of the most difficult things I have ever done, but also one of the smartest. I can't even tell you how many times I would call home, sobbing and begging to just go home. And yet, here I am, 1 semester down, loving it, and definitely not leaving anytime soon. It was hard to leave everyone at home, but I made so many fantastic friends that are already becoming like family to me. People I spend most of my days with, eat with, talk with, hang out with, pretty much live with. I love my family at school! Definitely makes it easier to be away from home when you have family in both places! My CORE family means the world to me, and I love them with all of my heart. My ministry major friends are also such a great influence, and great friends. My co-leader and all the girls who were in my small group are also some of my very loved family. and of course everyone from SAUFFSBB. my roommate, who is definitely JUST like a sister! I am blessed with lots of great friends.
2009 has been a rocky but fantastic year. But it was only the step below 2010. I am so ready to make this year even better than the last. I am going to continue to grow and become a better person, the person God wants me to be. If I can grow this much in 2009, how much could I grow in 2010? I definitely love a good challenge, and this is going to be a great one.
Bust your windows
I was recently faced again with a situation that has not always been the most pleasant for me. on New Years Eve my best friend, Jenna, and I went to visit an old friend of mine, Lisa, who we found out was accompanied by Jared.
Jared is one of those tricky situations I do not talk about. Jenna informed me after our visit she had no idea what the Jared "story" was. His name might come up on conversation, but I avoid the emotions of it as much as possible.
This visit did not help me do that.
I have gained so much from having Jared in my life. First and most importantly, my church. Along with that were many many great relationships that are still extremely valuable to me. I hit rock bottom, which might seem like a bad thing, but it was what finally turned me around and helped get me where I am now. but sometimes I can't help but wonder... what would it be like if it had never happened? some people deny you can truly love as a teenager, but I firmly believe that kid was my everything, and he was. I loved him with everything I was, and sacrificed everything for him, only to have him completely break my heart. what would it be like if I didn't have that scar as a constant reminder? what would it have been like if I never became codependant, never lost friends for him, because of him... ? so many things... sometimes I wonder if I knew the difference, if I would have chosen to avoid the whole situation. was the pain worth the years that I felt complete?
sometimes I honestly wonder if I will ever love someone again like I loved Jared. Anytime I start liking someone I just want to step back, or run completely. I don't want to get married, I don't want to have a real relationship, or one at all, knowing that as much as I deny it, part of me is still attached to Jared, and i dont know if that will ever change. it's like the phrase "damaged goods"; it's definitely what a future boyfriend/husband would be settling for.
healing sucks. moving on is difficult. forgiving is hard. forgetting is next to impossible.
Jared is one of those tricky situations I do not talk about. Jenna informed me after our visit she had no idea what the Jared "story" was. His name might come up on conversation, but I avoid the emotions of it as much as possible.
This visit did not help me do that.
I have gained so much from having Jared in my life. First and most importantly, my church. Along with that were many many great relationships that are still extremely valuable to me. I hit rock bottom, which might seem like a bad thing, but it was what finally turned me around and helped get me where I am now. but sometimes I can't help but wonder... what would it be like if it had never happened? some people deny you can truly love as a teenager, but I firmly believe that kid was my everything, and he was. I loved him with everything I was, and sacrificed everything for him, only to have him completely break my heart. what would it be like if I didn't have that scar as a constant reminder? what would it have been like if I never became codependant, never lost friends for him, because of him... ? so many things... sometimes I wonder if I knew the difference, if I would have chosen to avoid the whole situation. was the pain worth the years that I felt complete?
sometimes I honestly wonder if I will ever love someone again like I loved Jared. Anytime I start liking someone I just want to step back, or run completely. I don't want to get married, I don't want to have a real relationship, or one at all, knowing that as much as I deny it, part of me is still attached to Jared, and i dont know if that will ever change. it's like the phrase "damaged goods"; it's definitely what a future boyfriend/husband would be settling for.
healing sucks. moving on is difficult. forgiving is hard. forgetting is next to impossible.
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