Here am I, all of me
Take my life, it's all for thee
What's a life worth living if you are living for yourself? When we are our own first priority, we are never truly happy. We are always wanting more, always striving for something better. What's the fun in that? All I would ever feel is disappointment. Maybe brief moments of happiness, but I don't think I would ever be able to feel true joy.
There is so much I want to become. I want to become selfless. I never want to complain, or feel like I am not getting what I deserve. I want to be so incredibly grateful, for everything that I ALREADY have. I don't want to count the days; I want to make my days count. I don't want to cry or complain during hard times; I want to thank God for using those situations to continue to shape me into who He wants me to become. I want everything that comes out of my mouth to be something that honors and glorifies God. No more cursing, or nasty names, or even negative things in general. I want to be an optimistic person; my life is much more than half full, it is overflowing with blessing from my Father.
I don't want this to be just a "church answer" kind of blog. I don't want this to be said like I wanted to please anybody. I want people to believe it. And I want them to believe it because they are seeing it in my life.
So what's the first step? I have been constantly challenged to be praying to God constantly. Just constantly be aware of Him, and how this life is His. I believe if I really grasp that concept and make it real in my life, the rest of these things will slowly begin to follow. I will consciously have to do decide to stop the bad habits, but it will become easier and easier to do.
I want people to look at me, and be able to say there is something different. I am living my life for Christ, not for myself. Because that is the life worth living.
Take my life and let it be,
consecrated Lord for thee
take my moments and my days
and let them flow in ceaseless praise
Take my hands and let them move,
at the impulse of thy love
take my feet and let them be
swift and beautiful for thee
Take my voice and let me sing,
always only for my king
take my lips and let them be
filled with messages from thee
Take my silver and my gold
not a mite would I withhold
Take my heart it is thy own
it shall be thy royal throne
Take my love, my Lord I pour
at thy feet its treasure store
take myself and I will be
ever, only, all for thee
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Change
Sometimes I wonder what brought me to where I am. Even in the past year and a half, my life has changed so drastically. Sometimes I can't help but wonder if there is anything I would have done differently, or stayed with longer.
In chapel this Wednesday, the speaker started with the question, "if you looked back at yourself 5 years ago, would you say you are the same person?" Cheesy, cliche question? Yes, maybe. But still a good one. And for once, I actually thought back. Who was I as a 13, 14 year old? Ending of 8th grade. I was in an unhealthy relationship. All I wanted was to be accepted, to be loved, to be wanted, to belong. I had no clue who I was. And now? How different am I, really? I'm an extremely outgoing, independent person. But am I really? I need people. I hate to admit it, but I do. I still want to be loved. No longer is it what drives me, but it is important to me. I make decisions based off of becoming a better person for Christ. I try to anyway, no one is perfect. That definitely isn't how I was before. I feel like I am not a different person, no. But I am a HEALTHIER person. I still am the same person, same characteristics, same basic desires. But they aren't what rule me anymore. Instead, I have grown and shaped them into a healthier version of what they are. It's not perfect, and it never will be. But it's better, and will continue to get better.
I desire to change myself. I desire to be like Christ. I desire to be a strong, courageous servant for Him. I never want to settle, or just be happy with who I am. I always want to be striving to become closer and closer to the person God wants me to be.
So I came to SAU, become more independent, learned more relational skills, and I was able to rid myself of some bad relationships. Now that I have officially decided to go back closer to home, I'm wondering what's next. I feel like I have so much growing to do, and I feel like I always will. But in what way? You can never know what God is going to do next. The thought is exciting and frightening at the same time.
It's weird to think that this chapter of my life is closing. But man, what a chapter. I don't regret coming to SAU at all. I have met people who have absolutely changed my life, and become extremely significant to me and my story. I hope I won't lose those people, but realistically I know that I might. I guess that comes with moving on to the next chapter. It's exciting, to be moving forward. Exciting, scary, sad... too many emotions, if you ask me.
I will trust in the Lord. I will have faith in what He is doing with my life. I will walk forward, blind or eyes wide open, whatever God is choosing for me in this moment. I will not be scared. I will not regret. But I will have an open heart and an open mind, and open hands, just waiting for what God is going to do in my life.
Now that's exciting.
In chapel this Wednesday, the speaker started with the question, "if you looked back at yourself 5 years ago, would you say you are the same person?" Cheesy, cliche question? Yes, maybe. But still a good one. And for once, I actually thought back. Who was I as a 13, 14 year old? Ending of 8th grade. I was in an unhealthy relationship. All I wanted was to be accepted, to be loved, to be wanted, to belong. I had no clue who I was. And now? How different am I, really? I'm an extremely outgoing, independent person. But am I really? I need people. I hate to admit it, but I do. I still want to be loved. No longer is it what drives me, but it is important to me. I make decisions based off of becoming a better person for Christ. I try to anyway, no one is perfect. That definitely isn't how I was before. I feel like I am not a different person, no. But I am a HEALTHIER person. I still am the same person, same characteristics, same basic desires. But they aren't what rule me anymore. Instead, I have grown and shaped them into a healthier version of what they are. It's not perfect, and it never will be. But it's better, and will continue to get better.
I desire to change myself. I desire to be like Christ. I desire to be a strong, courageous servant for Him. I never want to settle, or just be happy with who I am. I always want to be striving to become closer and closer to the person God wants me to be.
So I came to SAU, become more independent, learned more relational skills, and I was able to rid myself of some bad relationships. Now that I have officially decided to go back closer to home, I'm wondering what's next. I feel like I have so much growing to do, and I feel like I always will. But in what way? You can never know what God is going to do next. The thought is exciting and frightening at the same time.
It's weird to think that this chapter of my life is closing. But man, what a chapter. I don't regret coming to SAU at all. I have met people who have absolutely changed my life, and become extremely significant to me and my story. I hope I won't lose those people, but realistically I know that I might. I guess that comes with moving on to the next chapter. It's exciting, to be moving forward. Exciting, scary, sad... too many emotions, if you ask me.
I will trust in the Lord. I will have faith in what He is doing with my life. I will walk forward, blind or eyes wide open, whatever God is choosing for me in this moment. I will not be scared. I will not regret. But I will have an open heart and an open mind, and open hands, just waiting for what God is going to do in my life.
Now that's exciting.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Repeatition
It's a feeling I have felt more frequently than not lately. Things are just OFF.
I hate the idea of needing people. I hate the idea of needing anything at all.
But I do need. I need someone right now. I need to be able to just sit with someone and cry, and have them comfort me, and tell me everything is going to be okay, even though that is so cliche and the fact is that we don't know if that's true.
I just want to be somewhere I feel comfortable and loved. I am sick of dealing with everywhere else.
There's a scene in the movie PS I Love You that gets me everytime. It's towards the end, when Holly runs into her mom's restaurant and talks to her mom. she is finally realizing she is truly alone. she talks about how her dad left, and how she had told herself after that she would never let a man hurt her like that again, but then she meets her amazing husbands and then he dies. And she is talking through all of this and then just stops talking and is sobbing and sobbing, and she says "I can't breathe, I can't breathe"... I always lose it right there. I just sob. tears going like crazy, my nose is running, the whole deal.
I'm sick of feeling like I can't breathe. It's like I'm stuck right below the surface of the water. I can see all the good, I can see all thea beauty, I can see all the wonder, I can almost feel the air... but I can't really take it in. I'm pushing so hard, fighting with everything in me, only to get worn out and have to just look at the beauty for a little while. Then I work the energy and the motivation back up again, and I fight and fight and fight, only to repeat what happened the last time.
I want to be truly happy. Isn't that what everyone wants? I want to be able to smile a real smile, I want to laugh without my mind flashing back to a time when I was really happy.
I hate being reminded of the pain. I wish I had healed the right way. I wish I had let myself have the chance to heal. I wish I hadn't felt like I had to be perfect to keep my friends, and to keep my reputation. I wish I hadn't felt like I had to be perfect so I could win him back. I wish I could have just cried with my mom. I wish I could have sat with her and just told her everything I was going through, and how much I needed her. I wish my mom knew how much I needed her now... I wish I was willing to give her another chance.
I just needed someone to get me. To understand. I needed someone I could talk to and just cry with. Why was that the time in my life I ahd to be completely alone? Why do I feel like that's how it will always be because of that?
People weren't there when I needed them then. How can I trust for people to be there now? How can I know that if I let myself need someone, I won't be let down like I was last time?
I hate the idea of needing people. I hate the idea of needing anything at all.
But I do need. I need someone right now. I need to be able to just sit with someone and cry, and have them comfort me, and tell me everything is going to be okay, even though that is so cliche and the fact is that we don't know if that's true.
I just want to be somewhere I feel comfortable and loved. I am sick of dealing with everywhere else.
There's a scene in the movie PS I Love You that gets me everytime. It's towards the end, when Holly runs into her mom's restaurant and talks to her mom. she is finally realizing she is truly alone. she talks about how her dad left, and how she had told herself after that she would never let a man hurt her like that again, but then she meets her amazing husbands and then he dies. And she is talking through all of this and then just stops talking and is sobbing and sobbing, and she says "I can't breathe, I can't breathe"... I always lose it right there. I just sob. tears going like crazy, my nose is running, the whole deal.
I'm sick of feeling like I can't breathe. It's like I'm stuck right below the surface of the water. I can see all the good, I can see all thea beauty, I can see all the wonder, I can almost feel the air... but I can't really take it in. I'm pushing so hard, fighting with everything in me, only to get worn out and have to just look at the beauty for a little while. Then I work the energy and the motivation back up again, and I fight and fight and fight, only to repeat what happened the last time.
I want to be truly happy. Isn't that what everyone wants? I want to be able to smile a real smile, I want to laugh without my mind flashing back to a time when I was really happy.
I hate being reminded of the pain. I wish I had healed the right way. I wish I had let myself have the chance to heal. I wish I hadn't felt like I had to be perfect to keep my friends, and to keep my reputation. I wish I hadn't felt like I had to be perfect so I could win him back. I wish I could have just cried with my mom. I wish I could have sat with her and just told her everything I was going through, and how much I needed her. I wish my mom knew how much I needed her now... I wish I was willing to give her another chance.
I just needed someone to get me. To understand. I needed someone I could talk to and just cry with. Why was that the time in my life I ahd to be completely alone? Why do I feel like that's how it will always be because of that?
People weren't there when I needed them then. How can I trust for people to be there now? How can I know that if I let myself need someone, I won't be let down like I was last time?
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
cut
you don't know what's right.
nothing feels quite right.
there's always something off.
it's in you.
it's in the people around you
it's in your location
I wonder if there is ever a place you can act completely natural. completely. no effort, whatsoever. a place where you can be completely comfortable. never concerned for others feelings, what other people are thinking, what you need to do. a place where you can sit in pajamas and oily hair and sing with a scratchy unwarmed up voice and have people hug you and mean it just as much as they would in the opposite circumstance.
this kind of pain is almost too painful to even write. i am sick of feeling unloved. i am sick of being hurt. i am sick of hurting over jared. I wish I knew how to really feel and accept the love of Christ. I feel like that would help me so much on quite a frequent basis.
I am not alone, I am not alone..
not a stranger, no I am yours
with crippled anger, and tears that still drip sore
i do not want to be afraid.
i do not want to die inside just to breathe in
these scars wouldn't be so hidden if you would just look me in the eye...
nothing feels quite right.
there's always something off.
it's in you.
it's in the people around you
it's in your location
I wonder if there is ever a place you can act completely natural. completely. no effort, whatsoever. a place where you can be completely comfortable. never concerned for others feelings, what other people are thinking, what you need to do. a place where you can sit in pajamas and oily hair and sing with a scratchy unwarmed up voice and have people hug you and mean it just as much as they would in the opposite circumstance.
this kind of pain is almost too painful to even write. i am sick of feeling unloved. i am sick of being hurt. i am sick of hurting over jared. I wish I knew how to really feel and accept the love of Christ. I feel like that would help me so much on quite a frequent basis.
I am not alone, I am not alone..
not a stranger, no I am yours
with crippled anger, and tears that still drip sore
i do not want to be afraid.
i do not want to die inside just to breathe in
these scars wouldn't be so hidden if you would just look me in the eye...
Monday, March 1, 2010
Miss Independent
Is it so wrong to want a guy to really fight?
To have a guy who is willing to fight?
A guy who wants to spend time with me.
A guy who doesn't try to change who I am.
A guy that can hold his own.
A guy I can fight with and not feel like a bully.
A guy that I can be competitive with.
A guy that doesn't make me flatten my personality so I don't offend him.
Compromise. I understand compromise. But is it compromise when it is making you feel like you can't be yourself? Or is that just not right?
I don't think I have expectations that are unrealistic.
I think in truth, it all comes down to one thing; I want a guy that I can look up to.
Is that wrong?
To have a guy who is willing to fight?
A guy who wants to spend time with me.
A guy who doesn't try to change who I am.
A guy that can hold his own.
A guy I can fight with and not feel like a bully.
A guy that I can be competitive with.
A guy that doesn't make me flatten my personality so I don't offend him.
Compromise. I understand compromise. But is it compromise when it is making you feel like you can't be yourself? Or is that just not right?
I don't think I have expectations that are unrealistic.
I think in truth, it all comes down to one thing; I want a guy that I can look up to.
Is that wrong?
Where I stood
When it gets cold, and it feels like the end,
There's no place to go, you know I won't give in...
I was not enough. I wasn't what he wanted. He found something better. He cared that I was hurt, but there was nothing he could do about it. He walked away.
And now, here I am, doing the same thing to someone else.
Break ups are so... stupid. And unavoidable. I've broken up with guys before, but it never felt quite like this.
E doesn't love me. There is just no way. And I did love Jared, so there is a difference. I was also with Jared longer, knew him much longer... these are 2 completely different situations. But I feel like this helped me see into Jared's life a little more than I could before.
I am not making excuses for Jared, or saying anything he did was right, or that I've had this epiphany and now I agree with him But I see now how hard it is to hurt someone you care about. I've done it before, but not as intentionally as this was. I've hurt people, but it wasn't like a conscious decision. This time was.
Hurting people is terrible. It makes you feel like a horrible person, it makes you feel guilty, it makes you feel like you could have done things better, it makes you regret so many decisions. But the fact is, sometimes you have to hurt people, and that it will turn out better for everyone in the situation.
I wonder why I went into this. I do think I liked him. He is a great friend, and I've laughed a lot with him. I was able to open up to him [that once], and he meshed well with my other friends here. But was that all there was? Was I feeling lonely because I was so far away from home? Did I just want a boyfriend again? Was I trying to fill in a hole that someone else made and left a long time ago? I don't regret that we dated. I feel like I learned an incredible amount just in this short 1 month period. But I just wonder if my intentions were right, or if I was wrong going into this.
Sometimes I really wonder. I wouldn't mind being single the rest of my life. Have an apartment of my own, have a dog, focus on my job and hang out with my friends and family all the time. But then will I always be thinking about what I'm missing? What if I get married and then decide it isn't what I always thought it would be, it isn't what I wanted? What'sthe point of even trying?
Hurting people sucks. I know I will do it again. But why put myself in situations that are just asking for it?
There's no place to go, you know I won't give in...
I was not enough. I wasn't what he wanted. He found something better. He cared that I was hurt, but there was nothing he could do about it. He walked away.
And now, here I am, doing the same thing to someone else.
Break ups are so... stupid. And unavoidable. I've broken up with guys before, but it never felt quite like this.
E doesn't love me. There is just no way. And I did love Jared, so there is a difference. I was also with Jared longer, knew him much longer... these are 2 completely different situations. But I feel like this helped me see into Jared's life a little more than I could before.
I am not making excuses for Jared, or saying anything he did was right, or that I've had this epiphany and now I agree with him But I see now how hard it is to hurt someone you care about. I've done it before, but not as intentionally as this was. I've hurt people, but it wasn't like a conscious decision. This time was.
Hurting people is terrible. It makes you feel like a horrible person, it makes you feel guilty, it makes you feel like you could have done things better, it makes you regret so many decisions. But the fact is, sometimes you have to hurt people, and that it will turn out better for everyone in the situation.
I wonder why I went into this. I do think I liked him. He is a great friend, and I've laughed a lot with him. I was able to open up to him [that once], and he meshed well with my other friends here. But was that all there was? Was I feeling lonely because I was so far away from home? Did I just want a boyfriend again? Was I trying to fill in a hole that someone else made and left a long time ago? I don't regret that we dated. I feel like I learned an incredible amount just in this short 1 month period. But I just wonder if my intentions were right, or if I was wrong going into this.
Sometimes I really wonder. I wouldn't mind being single the rest of my life. Have an apartment of my own, have a dog, focus on my job and hang out with my friends and family all the time. But then will I always be thinking about what I'm missing? What if I get married and then decide it isn't what I always thought it would be, it isn't what I wanted? What'sthe point of even trying?
Hurting people sucks. I know I will do it again. But why put myself in situations that are just asking for it?
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