Where I stood

When it gets cold, and it feels like the end,
There's no place to go, you know I won't give in...

I was not enough. I wasn't what he wanted. He found something better. He cared that I was hurt, but there was nothing he could do about it. He walked away.

And now, here I am, doing the same thing to someone else.

Break ups are so... stupid. And unavoidable. I've broken up with guys before, but it never felt quite like this.

E doesn't love me. There is just no way. And I did love Jared, so there is a difference. I was also with Jared longer, knew him much longer... these are 2 completely different situations. But I feel like this helped me see into Jared's life a little more than I could before.

I am not making excuses for Jared, or saying anything he did was right, or that I've had this epiphany and now I agree with him But I see now how hard it is to hurt someone you care about. I've done it before, but not as intentionally as this was. I've hurt people, but it wasn't like a conscious decision. This time was.

Hurting people is terrible. It makes you feel like a horrible person, it makes you feel guilty, it makes you feel like you could have done things better, it makes you regret so many decisions. But the fact is, sometimes you have to hurt people, and that it will turn out better for everyone in the situation.


I wonder why I went into this. I do think I liked him. He is a great friend, and I've laughed a lot with him. I was able to open up to him [that once], and he meshed well with my other friends here. But was that all there was? Was I feeling lonely because I was so far away from home? Did I just want a boyfriend again? Was I trying to fill in a hole that someone else made and left a long time ago? I don't regret that we dated. I feel like I learned an incredible amount just in this short 1 month period. But I just wonder if my intentions were right, or if I was wrong going into this.

Sometimes I really wonder. I wouldn't mind being single the rest of my life. Have an apartment of my own, have a dog, focus on my job and hang out with my friends and family all the time. But then will I always be thinking about what I'm missing? What if I get married and then decide it isn't what I always thought it would be, it isn't what I wanted? What'sthe point of even trying?

Hurting people sucks. I know I will do it again. But why put myself in situations that are just asking for it?