Change

Sometimes I wonder what brought me to where I am. Even in the past year and a half, my life has changed so drastically. Sometimes I can't help but wonder if there is anything I would have done differently, or stayed with longer.

In chapel this Wednesday, the speaker started with the question, "if you looked back at yourself 5 years ago, would you say you are the same person?" Cheesy, cliche question? Yes, maybe. But still a good one. And for once, I actually thought back. Who was I as a 13, 14 year old? Ending of 8th grade. I was in an unhealthy relationship. All I wanted was to be accepted, to be loved, to be wanted, to belong. I had no clue who I was. And now? How different am I, really? I'm an extremely outgoing, independent person. But am I really? I need people. I hate to admit it, but I do. I still want to be loved. No longer is it what drives me, but it is important to me. I make decisions based off of becoming a better person for Christ. I try to anyway, no one is perfect. That definitely isn't how I was before. I feel like I am not a different person, no. But I am a HEALTHIER person. I still am the same person, same characteristics, same basic desires. But they aren't what rule me anymore. Instead, I have grown and shaped them into a healthier version of what they are. It's not perfect, and it never will be. But it's better, and will continue to get better.

I desire to change myself. I desire to be like Christ. I desire to be a strong, courageous servant for Him. I never want to settle, or just be happy with who I am. I always want to be striving to become closer and closer to the person God wants me to be.


So I came to SAU, become more independent, learned more relational skills, and I was able to rid myself of some bad relationships. Now that I have officially decided to go back closer to home, I'm wondering what's next. I feel like I have so much growing to do, and I feel like I always will. But in what way? You can never know what God is going to do next. The thought is exciting and frightening at the same time.

It's weird to think that this chapter of my life is closing. But man, what a chapter. I don't regret coming to SAU at all. I have met people who have absolutely changed my life, and become extremely significant to me and my story. I hope I won't lose those people, but realistically I know that I might. I guess that comes with moving on to the next chapter. It's exciting, to be moving forward. Exciting, scary, sad... too many emotions, if you ask me.

I will trust in the Lord. I will have faith in what He is doing with my life. I will walk forward, blind or eyes wide open, whatever God is choosing for me in this moment. I will not be scared. I will not regret. But I will have an open heart and an open mind, and open hands, just waiting for what God is going to do in my life.

Now that's exciting.