Repeatition

It's a feeling I have felt more frequently than not lately. Things are just OFF.

I hate the idea of needing people. I hate the idea of needing anything at all.
But I do need. I need someone right now. I need to be able to just sit with someone and cry, and have them comfort me, and tell me everything is going to be okay, even though that is so cliche and the fact is that we don't know if that's true.

I just want to be somewhere I feel comfortable and loved. I am sick of dealing with everywhere else.


There's a scene in the movie PS I Love You that gets me everytime. It's towards the end, when Holly runs into her mom's restaurant and talks to her mom. she is finally realizing she is truly alone. she talks about how her dad left, and how she had told herself after that she would never let a man hurt her like that again, but then she meets her amazing husbands and then he dies. And she is talking through all of this and then just stops talking and is sobbing and sobbing, and she says "I can't breathe, I can't breathe"... I always lose it right there. I just sob. tears going like crazy, my nose is running, the whole deal.

I'm sick of feeling like I can't breathe. It's like I'm stuck right below the surface of the water. I can see all the good, I can see all thea beauty, I can see all the wonder, I can almost feel the air... but I can't really take it in. I'm pushing so hard, fighting with everything in me, only to get worn out and have to just look at the beauty for a little while. Then I work the energy and the motivation back up again, and I fight and fight and fight, only to repeat what happened the last time.

I want to be truly happy. Isn't that what everyone wants? I want to be able to smile a real smile, I want to laugh without my mind flashing back to a time when I was really happy.

I hate being reminded of the pain. I wish I had healed the right way. I wish I had let myself have the chance to heal. I wish I hadn't felt like I had to be perfect to keep my friends, and to keep my reputation. I wish I hadn't felt like I had to be perfect so I could win him back. I wish I could have just cried with my mom. I wish I could have sat with her and just told her everything I was going through, and how much I needed her. I wish my mom knew how much I needed her now... I wish I was willing to give her another chance.

I just needed someone to get me. To understand. I needed someone I could talk to and just cry with. Why was that the time in my life I ahd to be completely alone? Why do I feel like that's how it will always be because of that?


People weren't there when I needed them then. How can I trust for people to be there now? How can I know that if I let myself need someone, I won't be let down like I was last time?