College is such a great yet awful thing. I am so blessed to have the finances, the opportunity to go to school and learn. And I do love to learn. But I am so torn. Between being so far away, the hard and constant work, the unchanging life, and a community that knows nothing of diversity, I am just not lovin this. I love the people, the learning, the education. But I'm sick of people gasping at more than 3 black people gathered together, or when I talk to someone that isnt in my inner circle. This is not who I am. I love diversity, more than anything. I love people of all different colors, ages, cultures, countries, etc. I love people in general. And I just don't feel like I have the opportunity to live that out here.
On top of that? I am so tired of feeling like a disappointment. To others, to myself. I am ready to be somewhere I feel happy, and I feel like I am thriving.
It is shockingly hard to be content in a place you don't want to be.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
College for dummies
I have days where I open up my book and read 20 pages, and close the book without knowing what in the heck I just read. I have days where I sit in class and listen to students debate for half an hour, and leave having no idea what they were talking about. I have days where I feel like college is way too difficult, classes too hard, essays too long, books hard to interpret. I have days where I just went to pack up my room, get in my car, and go home. I have days where I am willing to turn in my life to Meijer and be a cashier for 60 years just so I don't have to do this.
It is so hard to keep yourself from lowering your standards when you find yourself up until 4 in the morning multiple nights a week reading things you dont understand and writing papers that sound nothing like you. And often just to get a paper back and have 5 points taken off here, 3 points taken off there, 4 on that mistake. I feel like I pour my freakin soul into my work, only to get told its not good enough, only average.
Who in the world invented college? I love to learn, but I really don't like to feel like an idiot.
It is so hard to keep yourself from lowering your standards when you find yourself up until 4 in the morning multiple nights a week reading things you dont understand and writing papers that sound nothing like you. And often just to get a paper back and have 5 points taken off here, 3 points taken off there, 4 on that mistake. I feel like I pour my freakin soul into my work, only to get told its not good enough, only average.
Who in the world invented college? I love to learn, but I really don't like to feel like an idiot.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
You're beautiful
Funny how life works. Get closer to God, lose people that I love. [Not because of getting closer to God.] I am lucky that my relationship with my heavenly Father was strengthened before the loss because I'm not sure how I would have held up. This is hard enough.
I'm trying to see everything as a lesson or a way that God is helping me grow. I feel like it is helping me get through things in a healthier way than I would have otherwise. But sometimes I just sit and cry and wonder why in the world it has to happen like it is.
sometimes, I think that the hard times are over. since I'm going to school to be a ministry major and use all my PAST hurts to help those who are struggling, I just figure it must go up from here. now is the time for HEALING and growth, and being able to move past all of it. sadly, i get a rude awakening on a horribly regular basis. life is not going to get easier. I pray and hope I will get better at handling the things thrown at me, but even if I do, things won't STOP getting thrown at me. I will always have burdens, always have walls to climb over, obstacles set in my path. but I am not doing this alone. I am blessed with a Savior who walks through my daily life with me, holding my hand and whispering in my ear that He loves me. I may not be able to do this, but with Him on my side, I can absolutely do anything.
relationships just aren't easy. it takes a constant renewal of my strength to wake up every day and interact with people again. I've been so hurt, so betrayed. sometimes I really have to wonder if this is worth it. every single person i have known has hurt me. people i trusted so incredibly much. people i opened up my heart to, people i let in to my deepest inner self. I'm so tired of trusting that people are going to be different just to get my heart ripped out.
I can't wait to be done with this earth. with its pains, its difficulties. I cant wait for the days I can just be with my Lord, and just feel His constant love in every way. I am so grateful to have my heavenly Father. what would I do without Him, honestly?
now You are sitting on Your heavenly thrown, soon You will be coming home... You're beautiful <3
I'm trying to see everything as a lesson or a way that God is helping me grow. I feel like it is helping me get through things in a healthier way than I would have otherwise. But sometimes I just sit and cry and wonder why in the world it has to happen like it is.
sometimes, I think that the hard times are over. since I'm going to school to be a ministry major and use all my PAST hurts to help those who are struggling, I just figure it must go up from here. now is the time for HEALING and growth, and being able to move past all of it. sadly, i get a rude awakening on a horribly regular basis. life is not going to get easier. I pray and hope I will get better at handling the things thrown at me, but even if I do, things won't STOP getting thrown at me. I will always have burdens, always have walls to climb over, obstacles set in my path. but I am not doing this alone. I am blessed with a Savior who walks through my daily life with me, holding my hand and whispering in my ear that He loves me. I may not be able to do this, but with Him on my side, I can absolutely do anything.
relationships just aren't easy. it takes a constant renewal of my strength to wake up every day and interact with people again. I've been so hurt, so betrayed. sometimes I really have to wonder if this is worth it. every single person i have known has hurt me. people i trusted so incredibly much. people i opened up my heart to, people i let in to my deepest inner self. I'm so tired of trusting that people are going to be different just to get my heart ripped out.
I can't wait to be done with this earth. with its pains, its difficulties. I cant wait for the days I can just be with my Lord, and just feel His constant love in every way. I am so grateful to have my heavenly Father. what would I do without Him, honestly?
now You are sitting on Your heavenly thrown, soon You will be coming home... You're beautiful <3
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Sophomore Year
How crazy to be back here at Spring Arbor. Definitely not what I saw coming. It is weird being away from home when I wasn't expecting to be. But I'm not even sure if I'm sad or not. I have days where I get really homesick, but it never lasts very long. I wish I could talk to people from home more, but I'm slowly getting used to having to miss it. I love being with my friends again here. But at the same time, that doesnt feel right either. I don't feel like I belong here, not 100%. Same at home. Last year I didn't feel like I was right at school or at home. This year I feel ... 75% right at both places. But not completely.
I am so sick of feeling like I am the one chasing everybody else. My friends here, my friends at home, family, etc. For once, I would LOVE to be the one being chased. I want my friends to reach out to ME to make plans. I would love people at home to text ME first.
People say how much they love me and how they love being my friend and having me in their life... yet... nobody will reach out first. It's like I made it this ridiculous expectation that I would do the majority or at least start the work in my relationships. and now it's been months or years and now they all think I'll be the one to do the work, and they don't do it first.
I guess I'm just getting frustrated and I am not feeling very worthwhile or important. Not a fun feeling.
I am so sick of feeling like I am the one chasing everybody else. My friends here, my friends at home, family, etc. For once, I would LOVE to be the one being chased. I want my friends to reach out to ME to make plans. I would love people at home to text ME first.
People say how much they love me and how they love being my friend and having me in their life... yet... nobody will reach out first. It's like I made it this ridiculous expectation that I would do the majority or at least start the work in my relationships. and now it's been months or years and now they all think I'll be the one to do the work, and they don't do it first.
I guess I'm just getting frustrated and I am not feeling very worthwhile or important. Not a fun feeling.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)