Dodgeball

I feel like the stereotypical nerd in elementary school during recess. I am standing, minding my own business, and suddenly a ball flies and hits me square in the face, and I fall to me knees. I jump back up, shake it off, smile like everything's fine, and next thing I know another ball hits me, "wham!" and I'm down on the ground again. I get up, this time a little more hesitant, but yet again, "whomp!" and I'm in the dirt. I always felt bad for that kid in the movies, or TV shows. He had so many enemies, and they all beat up on him. I never realized I would be in a similar circumstance, but instead, my friends are the ones chucking the dodge balls.

How many hits can someone take? I feel like I take a handful, and I am feeling overwhelmed. I forgive, I move on, I decide that it's not worth holding a grudge or even keeping any of the hurt feelings. I start over, feeling like I am refreshed and able to take on the world. A handful of hits later, I am in a worse place than I was the last time. Each time I stand back up and brush myself off, I've left a little bit of patience on the ground, a little bit of my confidence. Every time I get myself back up, I find it harder to stay up, and even harder to stand up yet another time.

I'm at a loss for words. I just feel completely... worn out. I have found myself at this point repeatedly over the semester. People take and take and take and I just don't feel like I have anything left of me to have taken. I just want to cry. I just want to yell at everyone who keeps hurting me, but I don't even know if I have the energy for that.

I just want people to care. I'm a human being. Yeah, I probably have way too many emotions and feelings. Yeah, sometimes I blow things out of proportion. Yeah, sometimes I take things too personally. But all I want is to be cared about. Is that really too much to ask?

If I could not fail

I took the IMPACT challenge of doing a dare every day for the next 50 days. Yesterday, we prayed for 15 minutes about God opening our hearts and minds and helping us grow. Today, we were asked this:

What dream would you run after if you knew failure was not an option?

I am going to attempt to blog for as many as these dares as possible. I think it is good for me to constantly be writing, I want to blog more, and I feel like these will bring on a lot of intriguing topics.

So for this one. It is taking a lot of thinking. The first thing that comes to mind is hurting girls. But what should I do for them? What would be right? How would I know I'm not crossing lines, or making the wrong decision? I guess asking these questions is defeating the purpose of the dare, so I guess I'll just jump in.

I would want a group that girls can come to. I would love to run a youth girls center, where girls can come for things all the way from temporary counseling to long term housing. I want it to be a place where we equip girls with skills they can use; leadership, self defense, and an education. I want it to be a place where we help girls learn the values of themselves, and help them make wise decisions. It will be a place for healing, for girls who made the wrong decisions. Girls with broken families, girls with addictions that hurt themselves. Girls who have decided their life is no longer worth it. I would love to have a center that speaks against lies like this one, and help girls get back on their feet after continually being knocked down.

I have absolutely no idea what this would really look like. And I have no idea if I will ever do it. But it is something I would love to see happen.

Another dream I would do if it could not fail? Open an orphanage in a country where kids are living on the streets.

Beautiful

Wasn't it beautiful when you believed in everything?

We only breathe for so long. So why do things that don't make us happy? Why deal with people who hurt us?

I've been told "it's not you" a million times. Oh, it's not me? Then why is it happening so much, by so many? Why do people's actions always say the opposite of what their speaking? You say I'm worth it and treat me like I'm trash. You say I'm like family and treat me like your enemy. How is it not me? Am I earning this? Did I do something? Am I stupid? Am I just so completely relationally screwed up that I can't figure it out?

I'm tired of being a flaw. I'm tired of being a mistake. I would love to just be something beautiful.

I think the worst feeling is continually being slapped in the face by people who say they love you. If you love me, wouldn't you want to support me? If you love me, wouldn't you want me around? If you love me, wouldn't I be a joy, and not a burden?

Whitewash

Before now, if you had asked me what my dream was, I would have asked you how many hours you had to spare. Today in church, we were told we can do it, we can make that dream come true. And I could not make one of my past dreams come to mind in the way they used to.

What does it mean when your passions fade? Or when you don't feel like there's this dozens of little goals you have that are driving you forward in your life?

I am not apathetic, nor do I not give a crud about God or His purpose for my life. I still feel like I have purpose. But it's different. Now, I feel like it's the purpose that God gives me for my life, what He brings into my life, what circumstances He puts me into. I no longer feel like it's me striving to achieve my dreams.

Is this bad? It feels pretty bad. The realization left me feeling pretty empty. How can a passionate person just lose their passion?

I don't want to be angry anymore. I don't want to get heated quickly, or fired up. That doesn't mean I no longer want to care about what I've always cared about.


I'm not really sure what's happening to me. I feel like someone has splashed a bucket of water on me, and my colors are slowly washing away. What an awful feeling.

Move along

I always have the ridiculous expectation and naive belief that every single one of my friendships are going to last for the rest of my life. I felt like that about my friends growing up, my friends in junior high, my friends in high school, and even my friends now, in college. I am the kind of person that will be loyal to you until the day I die. A friendship isn't just a nice label, to me it's a promise. A promise you will be there for the person as much as you can be. A promise you will try to make the person laugh, make the person smile. A promise to want happiness for the other person. A promise to communicate when things are going rough, and to apologize when you've hurt the other. A friendship is a promise to care, to defend you. Friendship to me isn't just something stupid. My friends are my family. My friends mean the world to me. Many times in my life I have had friends there for me when I didn't have family to turn to. I believe that loyalty is one of the most important parts of friendship, and that is something that is built into who I am.

I don't want to say [or admit, rather] that some of these expectations are too much. These are values I hold myself to, and I would hope people who call me their friend feel the same way. I don't expect the relationship to be perfect. I don't expect a perfectly smooth road, without bumps or detours along the way. I don't expect it to be painless, or easy. I know friendships take work. But I feel like they're worth it.

I guess the problem is that I hold this expectation to all of my friends. But not every friend is on the same level. I have my closest friends, my best friends. These are the friends I tell everything to, that know my past, that hold me accountable, that I talk to every single day and think about and pray for constantly. I have good friends, that I spend a little less time with, still tell a lot to, but maybe not my deepest stuff. I have friends that I just like to spend time with because they make me happy, or make me laugh. I have friends that are friends with my friends or my group, and we smile and talk and have a good time when we are together. And then I have friends that I hug and check in with every once in a while, and say a prayer for when they cross my mind. Friends aren't just all on the same field, it is very different.

The problem is, sometimes I expect a large number of my friends to be GOOD friends. I expect them to tell me lots, be there for me, understand, and last but certainly not least, stick around. Every time I have had a friendship fade away or just completely fail, I marked it as a huge mistake on me, and I struggle to let it go. I couldn't count on my fingers AND my toes how many people I miss and wish I had done things differently with. And how fair is that to me? Yes, I've made mistakes. But so have they. And you know what, maybe it didn't have to be a mistake. Maybe that just wasn't a friendship that was supposed to last.

It is so hard to say "maybe God didn't mean for that friendship to be forever." It is so hard to say that maybe a friend wasn't supposed to be my friend until we die. It is next to impossible for me to let people go. Maybe because they mean the world to me. Maybe because I have poured so much of myself into them. Maybe because I am scared if I let them go, others will leave. Scared that I will end up all alone with NO friends. But the fact is that people are going to come and go. And that is just something I have to accept. And not the kind of accept that means I'll just get over it and move on. The kind of accept that means I'll be able to look at the relationship and still smile. The kind of accept that means I am grateful for the friendship, whether it lasted as long as I expected it to or not.

Why NOT?

We are reading through the book "Where is God When it Hurts?" in my CORE200 class. I enjoyed the first 2 chapters, and I am looking forward to the last 18. We discussed it in class today, and heard a lot of things. For example, what is suffering, what is the purpose? I do believe that God uses suffering and pain to help us grow, and to teach us things. Not that He is the one who INFLICTS the pain, but He can always use it. We see suffering and pain as a disadvantage. God sees suffering and pain as opportunity.

Our prof told a story about a dean at the university who had cancer. As he was dying, people kept asking him, "do you ever ask God why?" This wise man's response was, "no, I find myself asking why NOT." I love that. Why not me? Why should someone else have to go through it? Why wouldn't I have to?

There is always someone richer than us, someone with more grief than us, worse off than us. We shouldn't compare ourselves to others, no, but we should be aware of situations around us. How blind and naive people so frequently become, believing they have the lowest of all situations, that nobody has it worse than we do. How wrong we are.

My prayer today, and for everyday in the future, is that my eyes will be opened wider, and that I will see that I suffer for Christ, and for growth. Praying that I will not be so close minded as to think that I have it worse than everybody, or ANYBODY else.

When I look at you

I hate when I have so much to say, and no words to use.

I don't appreciate life like I should. I get angry too easily, frustrated too easily, I want to give up too easily. I am blessed to even have these days. Why can't I live like that? Why is it so easy to be hurt, to be mad? Why isn't it easy to love unconditionally, always be forgiving, and keep a smile on my face?

I miss Amber Jean. It's been a little over a year and a half now. I still just can't understand why SHE had to die, of all people. That thought hurts more than anything. She appreciated life. She was happy. She loved, she forgave. Why was she the one who had to die, when she was the last one who deserved it?

I so often feel like the waves are crashing right on top of me. I've been running for years, pushing against it. I ran from family, from friends, from enemies, from situations, from hurt, from love, from protection, from help. I have been fighting everyone and everything for so long. I've been stubborn, hard headed, obnoxious, selfish, and independent, and not in the good way. I told myself that I could do everything by myself. After people hurt me, I said I was through, I didn't need anybody, I could do it on my own. But after years and years of pushing against the world with my own little hands... I realize I am completely wrong. I have never felt so worn out in my life. I feel like I could just collapse right now, let someone else do the pushing for me, do even the breathing for me. For once, I am actually willing to extend MY hand and ask for help.



when my world is falling apart
when theres no light to break up the dark
thats when I look at you
when the waves are flooding the shore
and I cant find my way home anymore
that's when I look at you