When I look at you

I hate when I have so much to say, and no words to use.

I don't appreciate life like I should. I get angry too easily, frustrated too easily, I want to give up too easily. I am blessed to even have these days. Why can't I live like that? Why is it so easy to be hurt, to be mad? Why isn't it easy to love unconditionally, always be forgiving, and keep a smile on my face?

I miss Amber Jean. It's been a little over a year and a half now. I still just can't understand why SHE had to die, of all people. That thought hurts more than anything. She appreciated life. She was happy. She loved, she forgave. Why was she the one who had to die, when she was the last one who deserved it?

I so often feel like the waves are crashing right on top of me. I've been running for years, pushing against it. I ran from family, from friends, from enemies, from situations, from hurt, from love, from protection, from help. I have been fighting everyone and everything for so long. I've been stubborn, hard headed, obnoxious, selfish, and independent, and not in the good way. I told myself that I could do everything by myself. After people hurt me, I said I was through, I didn't need anybody, I could do it on my own. But after years and years of pushing against the world with my own little hands... I realize I am completely wrong. I have never felt so worn out in my life. I feel like I could just collapse right now, let someone else do the pushing for me, do even the breathing for me. For once, I am actually willing to extend MY hand and ask for help.



when my world is falling apart
when theres no light to break up the dark
thats when I look at you
when the waves are flooding the shore
and I cant find my way home anymore
that's when I look at you